I Am Still Born

One month. Never has one month had so much significance. I know what I would rather be doing today. Sharing a cute picture of Hamish on Instagram with a ‘One Month’ card beside him. Instead I wake up without my little one. It is like a bad dream. It still feels so strange and like this is not my life. I go through stages of acceptance and then sheer disbelief. Maybe if I pretend for five minutes this didn’t happen the pain can stop.

I know Hamish wants me to share his story. I ask him each day how I can best serve him as his mother. I get an email from the pregnancy loss podcast and we are going to book in an interview. I know part of my path is to speak up about Stillbirth. For the mammas that are yet to have their babes and the beautiful angel mammas that are dealing with their losses.

I want all women to know how to monitor their babies movements while they are pregnant. I want them to trust their own intuition. I want them to know that no one knows their baby like they do. No doctor or medical practitioner knows our body’s like we do. I know it is too late for Hamish but being a first time mum I feel like I didn’t trust my intuition enough. I meditated and trusted my body but I didn’t trust my intuition when I should have.

Hamish I wish this wasn’t your path. Your Daddy and I are trying our best to look after ourselves. Happy one month my Angel I love you more than anything. 

 

I wake up feeling annoyed today and thinking that I just want answers. I get that guilty feeling creeping back, wishing I could have done more. It feels like I failed. Even though logically I know I couldn’t have done any more but I still feel some part of me failed. My body failed me. The umbilical cord my body grew failed me. My precious boy taken by something that was feeding him life.

I know I can’t blame myself or anyone else but these feelings come and go. I did everything I could to ensure I was the healthiest pregnant mamma. I don’t know why my little boy had to go so soon. I meet my lovely Doula for lunch and she reminds me that Hamish had an amazing 9 months living in my womb. He was nourished and happy for most of his life. That is something I should treasure. I know that he was happy in there and that he did have a wonderful life feeling so much love and always protected.

Our social worker Deb came for a visit this afternoon. She is another earth angel and has a chat to Greg and I about how we are going. She is a really good listener and has a way of helping us open up and say whatever we are feeling. She has referred us to some other support services which may help in the coming months. I feel so loved today knowing I have so much support as we embark on parenthood without our child. This is not how it was meant to be. There is hope for our future though and so many people out there that are willing to help us get through this difficult time.

Hamish thank you for sending Jenna and Deb to us. I know you picked them both out carefully knowing how they would care for and nurture us during this time.

 

Sunday’s always remind me of Hamish as it was the day of his birth. I wake up feeling grateful today. I miss Hamish so much but I know he is sending us on the path we were supposed to take. I get up and head to the beach to meet some of my goddess sisters.

One of them had a baby a few days before Hamish was born. We had been by each other’s side watching our bumps grow throughout our pregnancies. Anticipating what motherhood would bring for us both. We were so ready to become mums. It’s like we had both waited our lifetime for this moment.

Meeting my friends little girl was a mix of feelings. I got to give her some good cuddles. She is so gorgeous. I looked down at her just peacefully resting in my arms. I look at her in awe of the future she has in front of her with such a loving family. I miss Hamish so much. I remember how proud I felt holding my boy. The love I felt was enormous when he was in my arms. I am grateful every day for the time we spent together. Although it was fleeting those few precious days will be treasured for a lifetime.

Unconditional love is what I feel for you Hamish. No matter where you travel in the spirit world your earth mamma is here looking out for you and her heart is filled with love for you.

I had dinner with a friend last night and she said I should write a book ‘Lessons from Hamish’. Who knows maybe one day I will. The amount of life lessons I have learnt in the last month is more than I have in the last 10 years. I can see the blessing Hamish has left in my life already.

Hamish has taught me how to show up as my true self. He has given me the gift of not caring what others think anymore. He has shown me what is really important in life. He has shown me that it is important to be vulnerable and allow others in. That life is more precious than we will ever know.

How to be really sad and cry endless tears. How to have immense joy. What deep love is. How to be more grateful for my loved ones. How resilient I really am. That I was already a mother to my siblings. That I really can do anything I want to in this life. To fear less. To love more. To stop judging others as you never know what someone else is going through. To give more. To be a better wife, friend, daughter, sister and mother.

Thank you Hamish. You are so special and I promise to keep learning these lessons each day. I will make it my priority to take it all as a blessing as I know that’s what you would have wanted me to do. 

I woke up feeling tired and sore. Like my whole body had been drained of all energy and my chest was feeling heavy. I don’t know if it’s the energy of the full moon or if it was from the support group yesterday. I do feel like we take on other people’s energy when we are close to them and being in that room full of pain while it is comforting it is also very draining.

I have arranged to have brunch with a friend and her little boy. I walk around the corner to her place. Each step of the way I dream of what it would be like to be pushing my pram or holding Hamish’s hand while we go to a play date. As I walk through the streets I can’t help but allow the tears to stream down my face. I’m not that keen on crying in public so I put my sunglasses on and keep walking at a faster pace. My heart hurts. I feel the physical pain of my heart breaking each time I think of Hamish.

I walk into my friends house and breakdown. I know it’s healthy for me to feel my grief and allow it to come out when it needs to. What is hard though is at any point in the day it can just wash over me. One minute it’s a calm peaceful sea and the next minute it’s 12ft waves that are crashing down on me.

Hamish you have shown me how to let my guard down. That it is ok to be vulnerable. You have allowed me to open my heart and be my true self. 

Ever since I heard there was a support group run locally by our social worker I was looking forward to going along. To be sitting in the same room with others who understand our grief means so much. To be able to openly share our story and tell others about Hamish is very special.

Going along taught me that we all grieve differently and we all have our own journeys of healing. I am comforted to hear from others and my heart also breaks for them. This is a ‘club’ I never wanted to join. It’s a secret ‘club’ which you join for life. The part of your heart that you lost when your little one passed away is what bonds you to others. We are all so different but also all the same.

Each mother in that room. I could feel her pain. I could see that she was shattered. Hopes and dreams of her future are broken. How do we rebuild our lives from here? How do we rebuild ourselves? This new version of who we are. We are grateful for the opportunity to know how precious life is. We know the true meaning of surrendering. That is all we can do right now.

Hamish I know you came to me for a reason. I am still working through that but one thing I do know is that you have enriched my life more than you will ever know. Yes I am heartbroken and mourning but I do see the light in each day. I see the light in your short life.

If you don’t know the lowest lows how do you know what the highest highs are? How do you know what true happiness feels like if you haven’t been truly sad. Thank you my precious boy. 

I wake up early and go for a long walk and breakfast with a friend. It is hard to get up but I feel good each time I go for a walk and I know keeping active is good for me right now. I feel like I want to get my fitness back and even though I worked out during my whole pregnancy I just feel like I need to move my body more. I look at my tummy each day as it is getting smaller. I am looking more and more like my old self. If you saw me walking down the street you wouldn’t even know I gave birth just over 3 weeks ago.

I come home and lie down for a while. I think about Hamish and what could of been. I let the tears flow down my cheeks. I wish I could bring him back. I google lots of websites trying to find out more information on cord accidents and stillbirth. I read about how to monitor movements and how this can prevent stillbirth. I wish I could have done something to save him. I wish I counted kicks. I know I can’t blame myself but sometimes it’s hard to accept. It’s hard not to blame the lady who did the ultrasound at 36 weeks. Why didn’t she pick up that the cord was wrapped around him? So many questions in my mind. So many what ifs.

It makes me sad the lack of research into stillbirth. It makes me sad trying to find answers. I also stumble across another online Facebook group called Never Forgotten which is run by Mamamia. They have an ebook published with many stories of stillbirth. I read through it and feel the pain of those that have had similar losses. Each story breaks my heart a little more. So many beautiful angels taken way too soon.

Hamish I know you have lots of friends up there keeping you company. I know you are a guiding light for many and I hope I can honour you too by sharing your story.

I did it. I walked into my favourite coffee shop and ordered my regular almond chai latte. I have been putting this off for over a week. To have the strength to see the guys who make my chai each day and talk to them about what happened. I walked in with my head held high. I told them about Hamish and showed them a cute photo of him. They said they have been thinking of us each day since Greg went in and first told them. I am a proud mum and I’m glad I can be open about my story. It just hurts so much to say the words out loud. For some reason writing them isn’t as bad.

I feel relieved now I can go out in public and see people I know and it’s ok. The world isn’t going to come crashing down on me. It’s not going to be this hard forever. I am blessed to have so much support around me. I know each one of my friends and my family are here for me. I realise how much love and support we have. It shouldn’t take an event like this to show that. In the last couple of weeks I have said a lot more ‘I love you’s’ than ever before.

Hamish you are love, light and joy. You have shown me what is important in life, you have taught me to care less about what others think of me and shown me how to love and also receive love even more than I ever could imagine. 

Today we took a little road trip up the coast to see my little sister and have a family lunch at her place. It was so good to see her and know she is looking so healthy and well. My sister is 7 months pregnant and this has been so hard on her. Firstly, losing her nephew but then to also try and keep it together for her own family. She was feeling unwell last week so to see her all better means the world. I know she is worried for her own pregnancy after what we have been through. I think she is doing so well and I can’t wait to meet my new little niece or nephew shortly.

 

I also spend some time playing with my niece today whom is almost 2. She is growing fast and learning her words and sounds. She has the cheekiest smile you have ever seen. The most gorgeous blue eyes and white blond hair. I think about what Hamish would have been like at this age. I also think about how grateful I am to have my family around me during this time. My mum gives me a cardigan she had knitted for Hamish. It is dark blue with small possum buttons. I hold on to it wishing I could put it on him.

 

Hamish your bassinet is empty, your clothes unworn, your parents are lost wishing you would return. The soccer ball your Daddy wanted to kick around with you is waiting, your pram is ready to go. Why you had to leave us so early we will never know.

21 days without you my darling son. Today was a tough one. All your Daddy wanted in the world is to have you by his side to watch the football final. We cuddled on the couch wishing you were in our arms. 

I wake up each day sometimes feeling anger, sometimes feeling extremely sad. It’s hard as I grieve as I find myself wondering why we have to endure this? Why did I have to lose you? The love I have with your Dad grows each day and it comforts me but there is still such an emptiness in my heart. My darling son there will always be a part of my heart dedicated to you. It has your name written all over it never to be replaced.

We talk about what it will be like next time around when we have your little brother and sister. I know there is room in my heart and life for more children in the future. I know your going to be the best big brother in the world one day. You will watch over all over us wherever we go.

One thing that gives me comfort is I feel your presence each day Hamish. As I ran into the ocean today I felt you there with me. As I dived into the huge waves I felt a huge relief. I know you will walk beside us through life. I will carry your lock of hair with me everywhere I go. I will carry the image of your gorgeous face in my mind forever. I will carry with me each day the proud feeling I felt when you made me a mother.