I wake up early and go for a long walk and breakfast with a friend. It is hard to get up but I feel good each time I go for a walk and I know keeping active is good for me right now. I feel like I want to get my fitness back and even though I worked out during my whole pregnancy I just feel like I need to move my body more. I look at my tummy each day as it is getting smaller. I am looking more and more like my old self. If you saw me walking down the street you wouldn’t even know I gave birth just over 3 weeks ago.
I come home and lie down for a while. I think about Hamish and what could of been. I let the tears flow down my cheeks. I wish I could bring him back. I google lots of websites trying to find out more information on cord accidents and stillbirth. I read about how to monitor movements and how this can prevent stillbirth. I wish I could have done something to save him. I wish I counted kicks. I know I can’t blame myself but sometimes it’s hard to accept. It’s hard not to blame the lady who did the ultrasound at 36 weeks. Why didn’t she pick up that the cord was wrapped around him? So many questions in my mind. So many what ifs.
It makes me sad the lack of research into stillbirth. It makes me sad trying to find answers. I also stumble across another online Facebook group called Never Forgotten which is run by Mamamia. They have an ebook published with many stories of stillbirth. I read through it and feel the pain of those that have had similar losses. Each story breaks my heart a little more. So many beautiful angels taken way too soon.
Hamish I know you have lots of friends up there keeping you company. I know you are a guiding light for many and I hope I can honour you too by sharing your story.
