We spent the last eight days travelling up the east coast from Sydney to Brisbane with lots of beach stops along the way. We went to Brisbane for my nephews 4th birthday and my brother in laws 40th. It was fun being up there and having this time out. It was strange not writing every day but I also needed the break. I made a commitment to myself that I would write every day for a year after Hamish was born. I am very proud that I achieved a whole year of writing through my grief. I want to try and keep up weekly blogging and I’ll see how I go. The past week has had many ups and downs. We spent many of our days at the beach or hiking through nature. We even climbed a mountain near North Haven, it was tough but I felt so good when we got to the top.
My anxiety has reached a peak in the last week. Before It felt like I have been cruising along in this pregnancy. I was tired but I have felt good most of the time and also very positive. For some reason I started to think a lot more negatively this past week. I started to worry so much about our baby. I haven’t felt any real movement yet except for some slight wiggles. I am nineteen weeks pregnant but my placenta is sitting at the front of my uterus. This means the movement from bub is cushioned. I know I need to be patient but my mind has been driving me a bit insane. When the placenta is at the front it can take up to 24 weeks to start feeling kicks. It doesn’t make it any easier for me though knowing this. I worry about losing this baby. I don’t know what I would do. I know we didn’t lose Hamish until 38+ weeks but I am still worried.
Today we have our 19 week scan. This one is a biggie. It will be 30 mins of checking everything is ok with bub. I cannot wait to walk through those doors and have the scan. I want to hear the heartbeat so I can be reassured everything is ok. I have even thought about buying a doppler so I can monitor the heartbeat daily. For now though I have decided against this as it may end up causing more anxiety. I am going to continue to manage my anxiety through speaking to friends, meditation and also leaning on my support group. I hope that this feeling doesn’t last and I start to feel more at peace over the coming weeks.
Hamish I have been asking you to watch over us daily. I know you are there for us and you will keep us safe. I miss you buddy and I am sending all my love to you up above.
Update! We had the scan and baby is doing great! So much relief! Bub moved around lots and was kicking and stretching.
I Am Still Born 
You are an inspirational and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog through my tears. Your heartache, your determination and your love.
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