Our gorgeous little boy with so much potential.

It was only 7 days ago I woke up feeling a little bit funny. Something was just not quite right. I couldn’t feel my baby moving in my stomach. I was 1 day off 39 weeks pregnant and eagerly anticipating the arrival of our little man. I spent the morning eating and drinking trying to get him to move. Rolling side to side and hoping that he would give me an almighty kick. I looked up blogs and saw that your baby moves less in the last few weeks of pregnancy but I just couldn’t shake off that weird feeling something wasn’t right.

It’s 4pm and we are sitting in the birthing suite of the hospital. Jacinta the lovely midwife comes into the room to check on the baby. Then those 5 words that will forever change my life, ‘I can’t find a heartbeat’. Within 20 minutes there is a radiographer called in to do a full ultrasound. After 30 seconds which seemed like an eternity she looks at me and my husband Greg and says ‘I’m sorry guys’. I wail and cry out and just fall into a deep pit of despair. How can this be true? How can my little boy be gone? We had an ultrasound only 4 days earlier and his heart was beating strong? Why us? Why me? How could this even happen?

Another 30 minutes go by and there is a social worker standing next to us, then my doctor and they look at me and say the best thing for you darling is to have the baby naturally. WTF?? Are you F**king kidding me?? I am supposed to give birth to my baby naturally? I can’t even fathom this. They leave us for a while to talk through what is about to happen. My doctor assures me that this is the best thing for my body and future pregnancies. I am completely shattered, heartbroken and I need to make a decision about what we plan to do. They said I could go home for a night or two to think it over. I was already in the hospital, the thought of getting up and going home after being told this news was unthinkable.

Induction begins at 9pm. The midwife comes in and starts the process. It is uncomfortable for a few hours then when I get the second dose of drugs at midnight and the pain becomes more intense. Then finally at about 2am they give me some morphine so I can get about 2 hours sleep. The pains are constant as I am dilating. By 9am the next day they decide another dose is needed. At around 2pm my doctor comes in and breaks my waters. It doesn’t hurt too much but what follows in less than 5 minutes is full on active labour contractions. I am up running around, moving about in anyway I can to deal with the pain. I am feeling every bit of every contraction through my being. I feel out of control but I am trying to breathe and keep it together. My doula and husband are holding my hand, rubbing my back and helping me through each one.

For what feels like an eternity I go through contractions and then the anesthesiologist arrives. He asks if I want to be told the risks of a epidural. My answer ‘Just give me the epidural, I know the risks, I didn’t plan on having one, calm birth is now out the window, just put the needle in’. He looks at me intently as I go into another painful contraction. I sit up on the bed while I am having contractions 30 seconds on 30 seconds off. I take a few deep breathes and roll my shoulders over. It doesn’t matter what pain I am in I am not going to move a mm, cm or an inch while that needle goes into my spine. 3 minutes later the epidural is administered and it is almost an instant relief.

The next hour is a lot more peaceful. I sit and talk with my lovely Doula and loving husband. I laugh, cry and just try and come to terms with what is about to happen. I can feel the baby getting close to coming out. I know it won’t be long before I am pushing my little angel out. The midwife comes in and checks and she says its time to start pushing. By this time its 4pm and I didn’t know how long the next stage of labour would take. In my head I thought maybe in around 30 minutes I would be meeting my little one.

2 full hours of pushing later and so much pain later I am welcoming my little buddy into the world. The last hour of labour the epidural wore off. It was exactly as it was meant to be. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional and mental trauma I was going through. I roared the loudest I have ever in my life and screamed my little one out. He was placed on my chest straight away. I couldn’t help but be overcome by so much love and joy but at the same time there was a deep pit in my gut of sadness. Our little Hamish is absolutely beautiful. He was perfect. The doctor, social worker and midwife look at my husband and I and say it looks like it was the cord. It was wrapped several times tight around his little body and neck. It must of stretched out over time and slowly cut off his nutrients. Other than that our little man was the most healthiest little thing. I looked down at his eyes closed shut just hoping that he would flutter them open. I looked down at my little angel and wept for his life. I am one proud mum and while I don’t know now why little Hamish decided to leave us so soon. I am trying my best to honour him, feel his presence and know he is still here with us in spirit always.

I love you always Hamish Joseph Matthews and I am proud to be your mum. xxx


Day 256

“I asked Hamish if he had fully crossed over, and he said that he hadn’t.  He’s been watching over the spirits in your building.  He’s also been watching over you, and hasn’t been quite ready to leave this plane.  I asked if it was time for him to fully return home now, and he gave me a definite yes.  He’s being called to his next assignment and your next child is waiting. Of course, you’ll still be able to talk with him, but he will be responding from a higher vibration.  So, it was beautiful – Hamish led the 5 lost spirits across the rainbow bridge and to their soul families waiting to celebrate with them.  He gave you both huge hugs and followed them across.”

This is what our energy healer felt this morning. We had an energy clearing of our apartment and our own energy fields. To allow our next baby to feel comfortable about coming in to our home we wanted to clear the grief energy out. It is time for us to move forward. It is time for us to be open to new beginnings and creations. I feel like the release of the book was Hamish’s last thing he wanted to help me to finish before he moved on. I do wonder what other work he has to do in the spirit world. I believe he is happy that we have got to where we are. There is a peacefulness that has come over both Greg and I. There is no rush and we know that it could still take time for our next baby to come. We want them to feel so welcome into our space. We also intend to make sure Hamish knows he is always remembered.

We love you Hamish. I hope that you feel peace where you now live. I hope that you feel the love we have for you. I will keep trusting that we are going on the right path. When I feel lost I will turn to you. 

Day 255

My mind is racing before I go to sleep. I have so many ideas, wishes, emotions flowing through me. I am feeling so excited about where my business is going to take me. I am feeling so nervous and in anticipation of what our energy clearing will be like tomorrow morning. I have set the alarm for six am so we are all ready to go when we have the call at six thirty. I am hopeful that this will bring us some peace. I am hopeful it will allow space for new joyful energy to enter. I truly believe we can create a beautiful environment around us physically but there can still be energetic blocks that make us feel uneasy. Our apartment is light and tranquil. It has light wooden floors with an leafy green outlook over the trees. The city skyline is in the distance. We have only lived here for the past ten months. We moved in when I was around 34 weeks pregnant. It was our first family home. We purchased it off the plan two years prior and were so excited to move in. I don’t believe we choose our homes. I think they choose us. Reason being is the only other apartment we put a bid on was next door. We missed out by one thousand dollars. We didn’t want to bid any higher. A week later we put the deposit on this place. I believe it was fate that brought us here.

I feel you around our home each day. I know your warmth and love is here.

Day 254

I am feeling so energised today. I had my PT session in the morning then an afternoon yoga class. I am getting clearer on my plan of action for my business. I have been doing some brainstorming of how I want it to look. Working as a Mindful Money Coach is my passion. I also love meditation and yoga but I don’t feel like that is going to be my career path right now.

I know long term I want to run a wellness retreat centre. I saw there is a small studio for lease near where I live. I contacted the real estate just to see how much it would be. I feel like it’s an option to lease so I can run workshops and classes. I also feel though it could make me feel stuck in one place. I love to travel and move around. I don’t know if I am ready to commit to one venue at this time. I have contacted a few other venues for the workshops I am going to run in the coming months. For now I am trusting that flexibility is what I need.

After my amazing session yesterday with Lorraine I have also realised that I need to focus in on specific tasks. I can still allow the ideas to flow and uncover new things along the way. I do however need to have some things that I am pouring my energy into and completing. When you are trying to do ten things at once it becomes hard to get even one of those things finished. I want to ensure my days have time for flow and time for structure. I find writing in the mornings is what works for me right now. Creating in the morning and doing in the afternoon.

Thank you for inspiring me each day. I thank my lucky stars you are my son. I have you as my guiding light.

Day 253

Life is too short to worry about sh*t that doesn’t matter, right. Why do we let the small stuff bother us all the time? Why does a little text message irk us due to the way it is received? The way someone looks at us. A car who cuts us off in traffic. A person on their phone that walks into us. Why do we allow things from our past to keep on bothering us over and over again? Why do we let people trigger us with the things they say? Or the things they don’t say? Are we crazy? Or is it just that we can’t see through each others eyes. We can have empathy but sometimes it is very hard to see through a different lens. No one has had the experiences we have had in life. I have to keep reminding myself this when I hear someone say something silly around stillbirth or losing a child. I know people sometimes don’t know what to say. The worst is when they don’t say anything at all.

I had a very constructive conversation with my lovely social worker Deb and another lovely mum (whose precious daughter was stillborn 17 years ago) who runs events at the hospital today. We had a meeting to talk about how we could possibly run an event and launch my book at the hospital. I was so grateful they asked me to come in and have a chat. The more midwives, social workers and obstetricians who know about the book and how good bereavement care can make a big difference the more they can share the message. I feel like it will snowball and if I spend some time each week sharing it that it will get out to the parents that need it.

The care I got in hospital was exceptional. I wish it was the norm here in Australia but due to funding there just isn’t enough hours in the day for most social workers to do the work they want to do. There isn’t enough funding for bereavement care as it’s not a glamorous area that is focused on. The level of care parents get when they lose a child can directly impact how much their loss puts pressure on their mental health. The right support can mean they can live a full life after their loss. It means they can go on to be better parents for the children they might already have or will have in the future. Without the right care parents can really struggle. I am so grateful for all the organisations like Bears of Hope and Red Nose that helps parents through this time after they lose a child. They make a huge difference.

I love you my boy. You inspire me on this mission every day. 

Day 252

Greg and I shared a delicious Italian lunch in Leichardt. It was the most scrumptious pasta I have had in a very long time. I don’t eat it very often but this home made fettuccini was amazing. With our apartment sorted and everything out and donated we spent the afternoon hanging out in a park. It was so nice to lie on the grass in a pasta and gelato coma and soak up the warm sun rays. Greg thought it was a good idea to go on a spinning merry go round in the park until we both felt sick and jumped off. It is nice to give ourselves permission to have fun. To chill out and to not be doing anything in particular. It is nice to just go with the flow and be in each others company. After the big declutter and the royal wedding we were feeling buggered. Pasta, sun and chill time was what we needed to feed our soul. I feel like the heaviness is lifting and we are both feeling a lot happier in the last few weeks. The sadness comes and goes. We feel so grateful to have each other. To have our love. I don’t take this for granted.

I love you Hamish. Every time I look at your daddy I see a bit of you in him. I think you would have grown up and looked just like him. 

Day 251

I came across Lorraine Murphy on Instagram just over a year or so ago. She ran a successful marketing company and was pregnant and about to have her first child when I found out I was pregnant. I enjoyed following her stories and hearing about how mumma life was treating her. She has been running some mentoring sessions for entrepreneurs and I decided to book in for one on Monday next week. I am ready to get my business off the ground and she is an organisation and planning expert. The two things I need help with! I bought Lorraine’s book last week called ‘Get Remarkably Organised‘ and got about half way through.

I decided today would be the day Greg and I do a big declutter of our apartment feeling very inspired from the book. I also decided we would give away some of our baby stuff to a mother in need. We have all the big stuff in storage but I felt like the bassinet, nappies, change table and a few other bits and pieces in Hamish’s room needed to go. I know we can get new stuff when the next bub comes along. We threw out five big garbage bags of rubbish and donated a heap of clothes that we no longer need. I cleaned out the pantry and cupboards. It felt so good to clear out stuff that we don’t need. It felt good to have a organised closet and bedroom.

I feel like the space we live in can say a lot about our mental state. I am a minimalist and prefer to keep things simple and clean. However over the last eight months I just found stuff piling up. All the books on grief, loss and personal development were piling up next to my bed. The essential oils that had found themselves in every room of the house. My closet was bursting and I could barely put another piece of clothing in there. I needed to get my sh*t organised. I feel like a weight has lifted off me today. I feel like I have more space. We also have an energy clearing being done on Thursday to allow all the dark, mourning energy out of our apartment and all the joy, happiness and peace to come in. I felt like it was important to physically clear the space before the energy clearing.

I love you Hamish. I felt like you were happy your things could go to a new mother to be who needed them. Thanks for being so caring! 

Day 250

I felt so inspired today. I met another mum whose daughter was stillborn ten years ago. Her strength and courage is amazing. It is so nice to share stories and talk about all the hard times but also lessons from our precious children. I find when I talk to people after they have lost a child there is a clear line drawn in their life. Before and after they lost their precious little one are very different. They wake up with more gratitude. The innocence of birth is very different. Sometimes there is more anxiety than before. Sometimes there is more trust. The way they show up in the world is with more conviction in everything they do. They know not to sweat the small stuff. They know what is truly important. I think all of us could have gone through life without the lessons of losing our children. We have how ever survived and lived our lives to the fullest after. We have more presence and know that all we have is this current moment. I feel blessed that Hamish is my biggest teacher. I feel grateful he choose me as his mum. I know my future children will benefit from his legacy. From the new person I have become.

I love you my boy. I could feel your presence at lunch today.