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Hamish

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Our gorgeous little boy with so much potential.

 
It was only 7 days ago I woke up feeling a little bit funny. Something was just not quite right. I couldn’t feel my baby moving in my stomach. I was 1 day off 39 weeks pregnant and eagerly anticipating the arrival of our little man. I spent the morning eating and drinking trying to get him to move. Rolling side to side and hoping that he would give me an almighty kick. I looked up blogs and saw that your baby moves less in the last few weeks of pregnancy but I just couldn’t shake off that weird feeling something wasn’t right.

It’s 4pm and we are sitting in the birthing suite of the hospital. Jacinta the lovely midwife comes into the room to check on the baby. Then those 5 words that will forever change my life, ‘I can’t find a heartbeat’. Within 20 minutes there is a radiographer called in to do a full ultrasound. After 30 seconds which seemed like an eternity she looks at me and my husband Greg and says ‘I’m sorry guys’. I wail and cry out and just fall into a deep pit of despair. How can this be true? How can my little boy be gone? We had an ultrasound only 4 days earlier and his heart was beating strong? Why us? Why me? How could this even happen?

Another 30 minutes go by and there is a social worker standing next to us, then my doctor and they look at me and say the best thing for you darling is to have the baby naturally. WTF?? Are you F**king kidding me?? I am supposed to give birth to my baby naturally? I can’t even fathom this. They leave us for a while to talk through what is about to happen. My doctor assures me that this is the best thing for my body and future pregnancies. I am completely shattered, heartbroken and I need to make a decision about what we plan to do. They said I could go home for a night or two to think it over. I was already in the hospital, the thought of getting up and going home after being told this news was unthinkable.

Induction begins at 9pm. The midwife comes in and starts the process. It is uncomfortable for a few hours then when I get the second dose of drugs at midnight and the pain becomes more intense. Then finally at about 2am they give me some morphine so I can get about 2 hours sleep. The pains are constant as I am dilating. By 9am the next day they decide another dose is needed. At around 2pm my doctor comes in and breaks my waters. It doesn’t hurt too much but what follows in less than 5 minutes is full on active labour contractions. I am up running around, moving about in anyway I can to deal with the pain. I am feeling every bit of every contraction through my being. I feel out of control but I am trying to breathe and keep it together. My doula and husband are holding my hand, rubbing my back and helping me through each one.

For what feels like an eternity I go through contractions and then the anesthesiologist arrives. He asks if I want to be told the risks of a epidural. My answer ‘Just give me the epidural, I know the risks, I didn’t plan on having one, calm birth is now out the window, just put the needle in’. He looks at me intently as I go into another painful contraction. I sit up on the bed while I am having contractions 30 seconds on 30 seconds off. I take a few deep breathes and roll my shoulders over. It doesn’t matter what pain I am in I am not going to move a mm, cm or an inch while that needle goes into my spine. 3 minutes later the epidural is administered and it is almost an instant relief.

The next hour is a lot more peaceful. I sit and talk with my lovely Doula and loving husband. I laugh, cry and just try and come to terms with what is about to happen. I can feel the baby getting close to coming out. I know it won’t be long before I am pushing my little angel out. The midwife comes in and checks and she says its time to start pushing. By this time its 4pm and I didn’t know how long the next stage of labour would take. In my head I thought maybe in around 30 minutes I would be meeting my little one.

2 full hours of pushing later and so much pain later I am welcoming my little buddy into the world. The last hour of labour the epidural wore off. It was exactly as it was meant to be. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional and mental trauma I was going through. I roared the loudest I have ever in my life and screamed my little one out. He was placed on my chest straight away. I couldn’t help but be overcome by so much love and joy but at the same time there was a deep pit in my gut of sadness. Our little Hamish is absolutely beautiful. He was perfect. The doctor, social worker and midwife look at my husband and I and say it looks like it was the cord. It was wrapped several times tight around his little body and neck. It must of stretched out over time and slowly cut off his nutrients. Other than that our little man was the most healthiest little thing. I looked down at his eyes closed shut just hoping that he would flutter them open. I looked down at my little angel and wept for his life. I am one proud mum and while I don’t know now why little Hamish decided to leave us so soon. I am trying my best to honour him, feel his presence and know he is still here with us in spirit always.

I love you always Hamish Joseph Matthews and I am proud to be your mum. xxx

 

Day 303

10 months without you today

I miss you so much

I wish I could give you a kiss and cuddle today

Instead I look into the ocean and send you my love

I hope it is felt across this earthly plain

In to that place that you live

I know you are still near

I know you are watching over us and keeping us safe

I feel your love each day

I will continue to for the rest of my life

 

 

 

Day 302

I go to sleep thinking of you. In my dreams I am going on a big holiday. I wonder whether it is to meet you. I am running late for the airport and I miss my plane. The feeling of missing something is very strong and disappointing  I feel helpless like I can’t change what has happened. I feel like I am at a big stop sign and there is no going through it. I feel like I am lost. The last few months I have been dreaming each night. I remember some vividly. One in particular you were in my womb, kicking away, I could see you. I wish I could have cherished those moments more. I know I did all I could during our time together to be present. Sometimes I wonder if I could have connected with you more. I miss you everyday. I find it hard now to remember what life was like before you came along. I have changed so much. I have come back to my truth.  

Day 301

Sundays always remind me of Hamish. I woke up this morning and went to the markets to get our fresh produce for the week. I love lazy Sundays where there is no place to be or go. I ate a nourishing brunch of delicious grilled broccolini and corn fritters. We then headed home to relax. I am tired after a rather late night. I have an afternoon nap and remind myself, that it’s ok to keep taking things slowly. The pace of my life has changed dramatically. This time last year I was working around a ten hour day and then spending every waking hour on the weekends ‘doing something’. I like how our life is a little slower now. I like that I have time to breathe more. I love how I can eat slowly. I have the concentration to finish a book, to watch a movie. I am not in a rush to get somewhere or see someone. I am going to do my best to keep this pace of living. What I think it truly comes down to is protecting my time and energy. Valuing it more and knowing I don’t have to be everything to everyone. That is one of the biggest lessons I learnt from Hamish. It is ok to take time out to fill up my cup first. It is ok to put my self care first. I am a better mother, wife and friend when I do this.

I love you my boy. 

Day 300

I had a friends 50th birthday tonight. I had a good time celebrating and keeping warm. I think I might of eaten half my body weight in cheese. At the party I connected with an amazing mother who inspires me so much. She also has a baby that was born a week after Hamish. This precious little guy was given into her care for her to foster. It wasn’t planned but due to family circumstances she became mother to this special boy not long after he was born. She has children that are now heading into their teens and wasn’t expecting this. So there I was speaking with someone who became a mother unexpectedly the same week I became one too and lost my little guy. There were tears as I looked at her and told her my story. I was in awe of her courage and love that she gave her little one. You never know what could happen and how your life can be turned upside down in an instant. It is how you cope with that change or event that defines you.

Hamish I love you so much

Day 299

I walked almost 20 kilometres today with one of my soul sisters along the coast from Coogee to Bondi and back again. Walking on the sand at the end and feeling the icy water on my feet was a highlight. I haven’t walked that far in one day in a long time. I feel like I am slowly getting my energy back. Today showed me that I actually feel more energised when I get out there and do more. I felt that Hamish was close by today. Whenever I am close to the ocean I can feel his presence. The calming, blue and turquoise waters, waves crashing close to the shore. I can’t wait until the weather is warmer and I can get back into the ocean. I spent half my pregnancy swimming in the ocean. Hamish loved it. I could tell there was an extra sense of calm when it was just us two, floating on top of the water. I could sense his personality shining through the womb. I am so grateful I was open to the messages I received while I was pregnant. I felt Hamish was caring, compassionate and very loving. He encouraged me to do so many things while I was pregnant. I had a diary I would write in each day and when I go back now and read through it. I had so much trust in him and I believe that wherever he is right now is where he is supposed to be.

Hamish you are so loved. 

Day 298

Lately I have been feeling like time is going very slowly. I guess it is because I am living at a slower pace now. I have time to soak up the magnificence in each day. I have time to consciously choose how I spend my time. This time has given me so much freedom. I almost feel sometimes like it is too much. I know each day what I want to get done for my business and the eBook. I don’t feel the urgency though that I used to in my corporate life. I feel like sometimes I need a little more motivation or direction. It may just be because it is winter. I don’t feel as full of energy that I normally do. I try to tune in and ask my heart what it wants to do next. I think it is as confused as my head is. I do feel like I am coming out of the fog now. The darkness that encased me after Hamish left. I feel like I am ready for some new challenges. I want to start doing more. The grief that stays with me doesn’t feel as heavy anymore. The tears are less frequent now. The pain isn’t as bad. While time does start to heal, I believe it is also such a process when you go through loss. You have to feel each emotion flow through your body. You have to allow whatever needs to come up, to come up. I feel like I have done the best I could have with my grief. I didn’t push it down and hide it. I lived it each day.

I love you my boy. I think about you each day and I know you are supporting me from above. 

Day 297

I am buggered today. I am doing my best to eat the right foods and look after myself but I am still so tired. I went for a walk in the morning and had breakfast with a soul sister and her daughter. We sat and basked in the sun talking about birth, death and that thing in-between called life. That thing that we are all trying to perfect each day. We are all showing up not wanting to waste a moment. Our conversation left me feeling uplifted. I know no matter what happens to anyone, we all have this crazy amount of inner strength, that helps us get through life. My friend lost her husband recently to brain cancer. He was 34. So much life left to live, gone too soon. I didn’t know how she would be now, as it’s only been a matter of months, she is doing really well. I am in awe of her strength as a wife and mother. We will never know why some people get a free pass to 95 years of age and some lives are cut much shorter, some are still born. For those who are stillborn, the only thing they know is their mothers womb and the love that surrounds it. No matter how long or short our lives are the way I see it is we are all here for a reason. We have a soul contract to fulfil in this lifetime. There have been times where I have said enough is enough. Now I know that what ever comes my way is just another stepping stone for my soul to move along it’s path.

I love you Hamish