Our gorgeous little boy with so much potential.

It was only 7 days ago I woke up feeling a little bit funny. Something was just not quite right. I couldn’t feel my baby moving in my stomach. I was 1 day off 39 weeks pregnant and eagerly anticipating the arrival of our little man. I spent the morning eating and drinking trying to get him to move. Rolling side to side and hoping that he would give me an almighty kick. I looked up blogs and saw that your baby moves less in the last few weeks of pregnancy but I just couldn’t shake off that weird feeling something wasn’t right.

It’s 4pm and we are sitting in the birthing suite of the hospital. Jacinta the lovely midwife comes into the room to check on the baby. Then those 5 words that will forever change my life, ‘I can’t find a heartbeat’. Within 20 minutes there is a radiographer called in to do a full ultrasound. After 30 seconds which seemed like an eternity she looks at me and my husband Greg and says ‘I’m sorry guys’. I wail and cry out and just fall into a deep pit of despair. How can this be true? How can my little boy be gone? We had an ultrasound only 4 days earlier and his heart was beating strong? Why us? Why me? How could this even happen?

Another 30 minutes go by and there is a social worker standing next to us, then my doctor and they look at me and say the best thing for you darling is to have the baby naturally. WTF?? Are you F**king kidding me?? I am supposed to give birth to my baby naturally? I can’t even fathom this. They leave us for a while to talk through what is about to happen. My doctor assures me that this is the best thing for my body and future pregnancies. I am completely shattered, heartbroken and I need to make a decision about what we plan to do. They said I could go home for a night or two to think it over. I was already in the hospital, the thought of getting up and going home after being told this news was unthinkable.

Induction begins at 9pm. The midwife comes in and starts the process. It is uncomfortable for a few hours then when I get the second dose of drugs at midnight and the pain becomes more intense. Then finally at about 2am they give me some morphine so I can get about 2 hours sleep. The pains are constant as I am dilating. By 9am the next day they decide another dose is needed. At around 2pm my doctor comes in and breaks my waters. It doesn’t hurt too much but what follows in less than 5 minutes is full on active labour contractions. I am up running around, moving about in anyway I can to deal with the pain. I am feeling every bit of every contraction through my being. I feel out of control but I am trying to breathe and keep it together. My doula and husband are holding my hand, rubbing my back and helping me through each one.

For what feels like an eternity I go through contractions and then the anesthesiologist arrives. He asks if I want to be told the risks of a epidural. My answer ‘Just give me the epidural, I know the risks, I didn’t plan on having one, calm birth is now out the window, just put the needle in’. He looks at me intently as I go into another painful contraction. I sit up on the bed while I am having contractions 30 seconds on 30 seconds off. I take a few deep breathes and roll my shoulders over. It doesn’t matter what pain I am in I am not going to move a mm, cm or an inch while that needle goes into my spine. 3 minutes later the epidural is administered and it is almost an instant relief.

The next hour is a lot more peaceful. I sit and talk with my lovely Doula and loving husband. I laugh, cry and just try and come to terms with what is about to happen. I can feel the baby getting close to coming out. I know it won’t be long before I am pushing my little angel out. The midwife comes in and checks and she says its time to start pushing. By this time its 4pm and I didn’t know how long the next stage of labour would take. In my head I thought maybe in around 30 minutes I would be meeting my little one.

2 full hours of pushing later and so much pain later I am welcoming my little buddy into the world. The last hour of labour the epidural wore off. It was exactly as it was meant to be. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional and mental trauma I was going through. I roared the loudest I have ever in my life and screamed my little one out. He was placed on my chest straight away. I couldn’t help but be overcome by so much love and joy but at the same time there was a deep pit in my gut of sadness. Our little Hamish is absolutely beautiful. He was perfect. The doctor, social worker and midwife look at my husband and I and say it looks like it was the cord. It was wrapped several times tight around his little body and neck. It must of stretched out over time and slowly cut off his nutrients. Other than that our little man was the most healthiest little thing. I looked down at his eyes closed shut just hoping that he would flutter them open. I looked down at my little angel and wept for his life. I am one proud mum and while I don’t know now why little Hamish decided to leave us so soon. I am trying my best to honour him, feel his presence and know he is still here with us in spirit always.

I love you always Hamish Joseph Matthews and I am proud to be your mum. xxx


Day 341

I went to a friends Baby shower today. I didn’t really think about it too much. I feel like it is less triggering than a 1st birthday party would be right now. I met some new mums there that had just had their bubs. It was hard talking to them about my situation. I don’t like not telling people, at the same time you never know how someone will react. It was ok though and the love I got in the room was so appreciated. I am so excited for all my pregnant friends. I wish them the most safest pregnancy and labour. I don’t have huge fears but now I know what can go wrong I always let out a sigh of relief when I hear a baby has arrived safely. I am not waiting for the worst to happen I am just more realistic now. My intuition tells me that our baby is going to come home with us. My intuition tells me to trust my body. To be present on this pregnancy journey. To trust that all is well. I am going to do my best to continue on this way. I am going to a pregnancy after loss group next week and I am excited for that. I love meeting other mums and dads on this journey. I know we have got each others backs.

I love you buddy

Day 340

I went for coffee with my lovely friend Annie who unfortunately also lost her first born son Xavier. She now has a little pocket rocket of energy Kai who is heading towards two years old. He is the cutest and happiest little guy. It was nice to spend time with them both this morning and talk about life, loss and love. It is also nice to see how Annie is going now with her rainbow bub. Annie wrote a beautiful book dedicated to her son Xavier for all the loss parents out there and you can check it out here. It is strange how grief and loss can bring so much love into peoples lives. It can bring more meaning. It can give you a chance to ‘rethink and recalibrate’ how you want to live out your everyday. It also allows you to have deeper conversations about the stuff that really matters. It allows you to make new found friendships with those that have been through a similar thing. I am so grateful for the new friends that have become family to me in this past year. The ones who just get it. I am grateful for all my friends and family that have walked this path along side us. Even the ones that don’t really understand what we are going through but send their love.

Thank you buddy for bringing so much love into my life. 

Day 339

I had a coaching session today with a lovely client and it reminded me to stay on this path. I started the session with a grounding meditation and then visualisation. I lead the session with my heart. I know this is the kind of work I want to be doing more of. I know in my heart I can hold this space for women. I felt so empowered when I got off the call. I am still battling this cold but nothing could make me feel bad today. I am trying to rest as much as possible. Greg has been cooking more and helping look after me. I haven’t been sleeping that well either as my sinuses are so blocked. I am really starting to stop worrying so much about where I am going. After leaving the corporate world of always doing and achieving behind I still have to remind myself it is ok to go slow. I can go at any pace I like really. My no. one priority right now is looking after my health and our precious bub. A lot of my creative womb energy is working on giving our baby the best start in life. I am surrendering to this. It is not a time for me to be doing lots of creating. It is a time for me to sit and be. To write and create when I feel called to. Not on anyone else’s timetable.

I love you. I have been looking out at the clouds today and thinking of you. One of my soul sisters five year old daughters, drew a picture and wrote her name and Hamish’s on it. She told her mum you were her invisible friend. It just made me smile as I know you are still around. 

Day 338

I am sitting in a beautiful café overlooking one of my favourite local beaches. It is a warm sunny winters day. I spent some time sitting on the rocks, soaking up the morning sun and just listening to the water crash below me. I feel so grateful in this moment. I look over to the sand and I cant wait to be playing there with our little one next year. Making sandcastles and going for lots of swims. I have been feeling a little down the past few days. Yesterday I stayed inside most of the day and I didn’t feel like doing much after the scan. Today I knew I needed to get out of the apartment and ground myself. I know I feel more energised when I spend time in nature. I also feel like a bit congested from this cold. I juiced some fresh oranges this morning and I am doing my best to make sure that I can kick it before it gets any worse. I have been so lucky this winter as I haven’t been sick once. I am listening to my body though and if it needs a little more rest right now that is what I will give it.

I thought of you this morning. How you made me a mother, how you turned my life upside down for the better. I love you.

Day 337

The day has come to have our thirteen week scan. I can hardly contain my excitement. I really want to see our little one on the screen. I want to make sure they are thriving and growing. As I sat down to be scanned, little one didn’t want to be seen. They turned their back to us and laid on their side. I had to wriggle a bit to get baby to turn over the right way. Every time bub would turn over, they would wriggle straight back to their comfy position on their side. It was cool to see baby’s long legs kicking and the hand that kept waving at us. We have a little wriggler that is for sure. Baby stayed still for about 2 seconds in the right position, allowing our sonographer to take a few good pics. Heart is beating strong and baby is looking good. It gives us both some more reassurance and I look at Greg and squeeze his hand. This pregnancy is going to be a long journey. I know I need to trust that all is well. My placenta is at the front which means it might be a while before I feel baby kick. This will require me to surrender even more.

I love you Hamish. I know you are watching over us three. 

Day 336

I am officially 13 weeks today. I feel a little tired but mainly because I think I am getting a bit of a cold. I decided today would be dedicated to rest. I had such a big weekend and need to take it easy. I have massive fear of missing out on anything and I know I pushed it a bit these past few days. I am not very good at saying no so it is something I am working on. Also setting boundaries around my time. Knowing that if I have a big day I probably wont feel like going out for a late dinner. I always want to make the most out of each day. I want to feel like I am not wasting a minute. I know my meditation practice helps me slow down. I went back into my silent practice this morning. I let the thoughts drift through as I sat in the warmth of my living room. I have a couple of special cusions I sit on. I am also very close to Hamish when I meditate at home. I have his urn and alter with beautiful crystals surrounding him right next to me. I haven’t thought much about what I want to do with his ashes. For now he is staying home with us.

Hamish you are so loved

Day 335

I woke up feeling quite drained. I knew that I needed to get out into some fresh air and go for a walk. Greg and I went to meet some friends from Queensland for brunch and a coastal walk. It is cold but the sun is shining brightly and giving a little warmth when you stand under it. We talked about what happened with Hamish and how we will be doing things differently this time around. I am a little superstitious in the fact that I don’t want to repeat what I did in Hamish’s pregnancy. I am not in the same job. I am living a very different life. We have a new doctor. I cook most of my meals now. I rest more than I did before. Sometimes I don’t even like going to the same cafe’s I went to in the week before Hamish died. So many thoughts go through your head after you lose a child. When you are pregnant again it is hard not to be super protective. I can’t always wrap myself up in cotton wool. I will look after myself the best way I know how though over the next six months and beyond. I will breathe. I will slow down. I will spend time near the ocean. I will nourish and move my body. I will just be. I will allow my emotions to flow through me.

I love you Hamish