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Hamish

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Our gorgeous little boy with so much potential.

 
It was only 7 days ago I woke up feeling a little bit funny. Something was just not quite right. I couldn’t feel my baby moving in my stomach. I was 1 day off 39 weeks pregnant and eagerly anticipating the arrival of our little man. I spent the morning eating and drinking trying to get him to move. Rolling side to side and hoping that he would give me an almighty kick. I looked up blogs and saw that your baby moves less in the last few weeks of pregnancy but I just couldn’t shake off that weird feeling something wasn’t right.

It’s 4pm and we are sitting in the birthing suite of the hospital. Jacinta the lovely midwife comes into the room to check on the baby. Then those 5 words that will forever change my life, ‘I can’t find a heartbeat’. Within 20 minutes there is a radiographer called in to do a full ultrasound. After 30 seconds which seemed like an eternity she looks at me and my husband Greg and says ‘I’m sorry guys’. I wail and cry out and just fall into a deep pit of despair. How can this be true? How can my little boy be gone? We had an ultrasound only 4 days earlier and his heart was beating strong? Why us? Why me? How could this even happen?

Another 30 minutes go by and there is a social worker standing next to us, then my doctor and they look at me and say the best thing for you darling is to have the baby naturally. WTF?? Are you F**king kidding me?? I am supposed to give birth to my baby naturally? I can’t even fathom this. They leave us for a while to talk through what is about to happen. My doctor assures me that this is the best thing for my body and future pregnancies. I am completely shattered, heartbroken and I need to make a decision about what we plan to do. They said I could go home for a night or two to think it over. I was already in the hospital, the thought of getting up and going home after being told this news was unthinkable.

Induction begins at 9pm. The midwife comes in and starts the process. It is uncomfortable for a few hours then when I get the second dose of drugs at midnight and the pain becomes more intense. Then finally at about 2am they give me some morphine so I can get about 2 hours sleep. The pains are constant as I am dilating. By 9am the next day they decide another dose is needed. At around 2pm my doctor comes in and breaks my waters. It doesn’t hurt too much but what follows in less than 5 minutes is full on active labour contractions. I am up running around, moving about in anyway I can to deal with the pain. I am feeling every bit of every contraction through my being. I feel out of control but I am trying to breathe and keep it together. My doula and husband are holding my hand, rubbing my back and helping me through each one.

For what feels like an eternity I go through contractions and then the anesthesiologist arrives. He asks if I want to be told the risks of a epidural. My answer ‘Just give me the epidural, I know the risks, I didn’t plan on having one, calm birth is now out the window, just put the needle in’. He looks at me intently as I go into another painful contraction. I sit up on the bed while I am having contractions 30 seconds on 30 seconds off. I take a few deep breathes and roll my shoulders over. It doesn’t matter what pain I am in I am not going to move a mm, cm or an inch while that needle goes into my spine. 3 minutes later the epidural is administered and it is almost an instant relief.

The next hour is a lot more peaceful. I sit and talk with my lovely Doula and loving husband. I laugh, cry and just try and come to terms with what is about to happen. I can feel the baby getting close to coming out. I know it won’t be long before I am pushing my little angel out. The midwife comes in and checks and she says its time to start pushing. By this time its 4pm and I didn’t know how long the next stage of labour would take. In my head I thought maybe in around 30 minutes I would be meeting my little one.

2 full hours of pushing later and so much pain later I am welcoming my little buddy into the world. The last hour of labour the epidural wore off. It was exactly as it was meant to be. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional and mental trauma I was going through. I roared the loudest I have ever in my life and screamed my little one out. He was placed on my chest straight away. I couldn’t help but be overcome by so much love and joy but at the same time there was a deep pit in my gut of sadness. Our little Hamish is absolutely beautiful. He was perfect. The doctor, social worker and midwife look at my husband and I and say it looks like it was the cord. It was wrapped several times tight around his little body and neck. It must of stretched out over time and slowly cut off his nutrients. Other than that our little man was the most healthiest little thing. I looked down at his eyes closed shut just hoping that he would flutter them open. I looked down at my little angel and wept for his life. I am one proud mum and while I don’t know now why little Hamish decided to leave us so soon. I am trying my best to honour him, feel his presence and know he is still here with us in spirit always.

I love you always Hamish Joseph Matthews and I am proud to be your mum. xxx

 

Day 280

I went through my meditation workshop with some friends today. I wanted to see how it went and also make sure it flowed well. I am so excited to share with others my love of meditation. It has been one of the best things I have done for myself over the last year. Even before Hamish was born, I would take out to sit in silence and breathe and it made me so much more present in my days. Meditation has helped bring me back to the present moment over and over again. In the days where I worry about the future or the ones where I am focussed on the past. It takes me into my body and brings me here to the now. I think I would have so much more anxiety if I didn’t meditate. It isn’t always easy but I keep showing up each day and giving it a go. I have an app called insight timer which I really love. I use it to time my silent meditations. It helps me stay on track and keep up my daily practice. Some days I find it very hard to concentrate. Others it is much easier. Just like writing it is something I am making a non-negotiable in each day.

I feel closer to you during my meditations. Maybe I can feel your presence more or just have a knowing that you are guiding me. 

Day 279

Today I attended my friend Kris’s intuition workshop. It was interesting as I had never thought that much about where our intuition came from. I thought it was just a thing we have. A feeling that guides us. I thought it was partly our gut instinct, our heart and our souls voice. What I learned though is that our subconscious mind is the main place our intuition comes from. Our gut instinct comes from our unconscious mind. The deep part of our mind which holds our childhood memories that we can’t instantly recall. Our intuition is connected to our heart space. It is made up of the beliefs we have and is also connected to our five senses. When we have a feeling something is off or our intuition is telling us to watch out it means something from our past has triggered a warning for us. Our intuition can read energy and let us know whether we should trust someone. It can subconsciously know when someone is lying to us. I love that our intuition can lead us down a path that is more aligned. I believe that our gut instinct keeps us safe, our intuition nudges us towards what we know is good for us, our logical mind wants us to do what seems best according to our surroundings. I have followed my intuition more in the last nine months than ever before in my life. I have been leading an intuitive life day to day. Throughout my grieving I would ask my heart what it needed each day. I also asked my heart what it wanted me to do for work? Whether accounting was for me anymore? Whether I was ready to jump into my own business. While it wasn’t the easy option I know I made the right choice trusting my intuition.

Keep guiding me towards listening to my intuition little one. I know you came to help me tune in more and live a more enriched life. 

Day 278

Today I feel so connected to my truth. I had a chai with a new friend. I went to meet another friend for lunch and dinner. I feel surrounded by love today. I have made Friday my freedom day. I can work on my business if I want to but generally it is my day to do whatever I please. When I designed my schedule I decided to make it exactly how I wanted it. My ego said you can’t just work four days a week, you will never be successful. I knew though in my heart right now four days is what is right for me. I am through the heavy stages of grieving. I am feeling so much more lighter. My health however is a priority. I want to have balance in my days. I want to feel energised and also free. My inner child says why don’t you just get a job. Then my intuition says no. This is the time to work on your creative projects, your passions, serving. It is your time to explore and discover what really lights you up. Before Hamish I never gave myself much time to do this. Now I feel like I am peeling back the layers of myself and remembering who I really am. Who I am without the corporate job. Who I am without the titles. Who I am as me. Not as a friend, wife or sister. Just me. Who is this person? Who does she want to be? How does she want to serve others and herself? How does she want to show up in the world each day? What are her values? What is really important?

Hamish I am forever grateful for this time you have given me. Time is one of the most valuable resources we have. You have given me time to discover who I really am. 

Day 277

I am nervous today as the article I did with my local paper has just come out. I am sitting in a café and too afraid to read it here so ill read it when I get home. I feel lucky that I can spread awareness of stillbirth and also start a conversation about it. It is great that I can also promote the ‘Navigating Baby Loss‘ eBook to get it out to families that need it. Stillbirth and infant loss are such a taboo topics in our society. People don’t like talking about babies dying. The problem is though that it is a reality for so many families each year. The more we talk about it the easier it is for these families to heal. To feel like they are not ostracised from society while grieving. Some parents may only want to talk with close friends and family about it which is fine. I just believe more needs to be done to make it acceptable to talk openly about. When I say that “I have a son, but he died” I get so many different reactions. Sometimes a sad look and silence. Sometimes a dismissal and being told “Well I don’t want to upset you so I won’t ask anything”. Sometimes when someone says “I am sorry for your loss, if you want to talk about it I would love to hear about your son” they have made my day. Just acknowledging the loss is so appreciated. I will continue to speak up about stillbirth and also how I am moving through my grief each day.

 

Thank you Hamish for giving me so much strength

 

Day 276

I am feeling so tired on this new moon. I feel like lying in bed all day but I am not going to do that. It is well and truly winter here. It feels like Antarctica sometimes in my apartment. Maybe that it is a bit of an over exaggeration but it is freezing cold. I do have heating though it seems to take forever to heat the place up. I finished putting together the outline for my meditation workshop I am running in a couple of weeks and I did a bit of writing. Some days I get more done than others. I am trying to stay motivated but today my enthusiasm is waning. I decided to try the Pomodoro technique of using twenty minute sessions of productivity. I set a timer and off I went. I actually got sh*t done today. I think this is just what I needed. I feel like curling up with my book and reading it for the rest of the afternoon. Then I remind myself I can do that if I want. I cooked us a nourishing dinner and then went to read my book. I had a long chat with my soul sister who has moved to the country. It was so nice to catch up on where we are both at in our lives. How we are going with the flow all while manifesting the things we want in our lives. I love having soulful chats with my friends. I also love getting out and about and connecting with people in person. I have a lot of that this weekend coming up. I have my gorgeous friend Kris’s workshop and another soul sisters birthday dinner which I can’t wait to go to!

I love you Hamish

Day 275

I am feeling good today. I feel hopeful for everything that is happening in our life. I am present in the moment. It is easy for me to think of the future or go over the past. I am trying my best though to be grateful for each moment. I listened to another one of Oprah’s super soul conversations today and it really struck a chord in my heart. It was with a pro basketball player Jay Williams who was playing for the Bulls until he had a bad motorcycle accident. They were talking about what it is like to reminisce and think of the ghost of ‘what could have been’. His career was over after the accident and he lost his multimillion dollar contract which then led to him spiralling into a deep depression. It made me think of all the times in the past nine months where I thought of what life would be like if Hamish was here. Of how he would be crawling now. Of how he would be eating food and talking by now. All of the milestones that he has missed out on. Going over what could have been is not going to help me though. I will still do it from time to time. I know in my heart though Hamish is up above doing bigger work than he could ever done while being here. I do believe that he will continue to live through Greg and I. His essence will show throughout the work we do and how we contribute to the world. How we communicate with others. How we show love to each other and the rest of the people in our lives.

I love you my boy. I will always listen out for you. I will make you proud.

Day 274

I spent the day reading and relaxing. I am still engrossed in Constance Hall’s book. It is reminding me that anyone can do anything. Constance self published both of her best selling books. She bought a house with the proceeds of her first book and has worked towards giving her family financial stability. I have thought a lot in the passing months about what money really means to me. I call myself a mindful money coach, but what does that actually mean? To me it means I help people have a better relationship with money. I help people focus less on accumulating money to buy stuff and more towards having money to spend time doing the things they love. I believe that financial stress can cause quite a lot of pain in your life. Having a level of security and financial safety can increase your happiness. Being able to put a meal on the table each night and a roof over your head feels good. Being able to cover your bills with no worries also feels good. Being in a constant merry-go-round of credit card repayments, late bill payments and living week to week is no fun. I want to empower more women to not only own they money story but take charge of it. I want to help others live within their means, be mindful with how they spend money and also feel like they are not burdened by their financial situation. I am still figuring out the best way to do this through my coaching and writing.

I had a well paying job that I worked very hard for. The pay off was stress, long hours and working in a very masculine environment. All for my monthly pay check. I didn’t hate my job but I certainly didn’t love it. If I had to look at one more spreadsheet with 3 million formulas I think I was ready to lose my mind. I was always good with numbers. I could calculate things quickly. I was good at getting things done. I was a fast paced finance manager moving from meeting to meeting, crunching our monthly reports from project to project all while trying to make sure my team is on track with their responsibilities. I loved that I had financial security and all my hard work was paying off. What I didn’t realise though is that I kept planning big expensive holidays to make up for all the hard work and stress I was under. I would say to myself it’s ok if I run myself into the ground as I have ‘X’ holiday to look forward too. After giving birth to Hamish I realised that I stayed in this job because of fear. My inner child was so scared of having nothing or ending up in debt again like I was in my twenties that it didn’t want me to leave this safe, secure job. I realised though that fear is just a feeling that I needed to work through. I needed to remind myself that I could work in a business or job that brought me joy. I could use my talents to serve people. I used to believe my job title made me successful. Now I know that is a bunch of BS. I know that I still want a level of financial security but I will not compromise my happiness and live in fear for it.

Hamish I know you will always watch over us and make me feel safe