Day 249

It has been one day since I officially released my eBook on ‘Navigating Baby Loss’ and it has already reached four families who have recently lost a child. My purpose was to help others feel less alone and I hope anyone that is going through a loss can get something from the words in my book. I feel so proud that Hamish guided me to write this. He gave me the courage to trust my intuition and to write from my heart. This blog is also guided by him. I always check in with him to see if things are a good idea. Before I agreed to do a video telling our story with Gidget House I asked him if I should do it. He said of course Mum! The more you talk about it and share our story the less of a taboo it will be. It is a hard topic to talk and write about. When it becomes your reality though that is all you want to do. I did a live video online this morning talking about my why behind the book. I spoke about how I want parents going through loss to feel like there are others thinking of them on this journey. When we go through anything in life it is important to not feel like we are on our own. Sometimes when you lose a child you feel very isolated from your friends and family. Not because they aren’t supportive or they aren’t there for you it’s just that they don’t fully understand what you are going through inside. You feel confused, frustrated, lost, insecure, grief stricken, heart broken all at the same time. To have others who get it means so much. To be able to read similar stories of loss allows you to feel less alone.

Hamish you are my guiding light always. I will turn to you when I need help. I will smile when I know you are around. Today when I did the live video and the kookaburras were singing and laughing loudly I knew it was you saying hello. 

Day 248

Navigating Baby Loss‘ the book is here.

Whether you have been through a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss I think there is something in these pages for you. It is not a ‘how to guide for grief’ but more of a story telling book of ‘this is how we are going through it and this is what worked for us’. I wrote this book and compiled these stories to make you feel less alone on this journey. That is the purpose of this book and my blog, to make you feel less alone.

It has also been a big part of my own healing journey. Hamish has inspired this all. Hi soul came to earth for 39 weeks in my womb and then left before he was born. He gave me a message to write through my grief, to share it with others who need to hear these words.

There are the stories of eight special families in this book. We have all tried our best each day to navigate these murky waters after losing our precious child. I am in awe of the families that have shared their story in here. We all go through grief differently and there is no right or wrong. I wanted to share these different perspectives to show that we are all grieve differently. We all connect with our child in our own way after they have passed. This book is a gift from all our children to you.

If you know someone going through loss that could be comforted by this book please pass it on.

I am thankful that you have inspired me to put this together for other families going through loss. You have shown me how special it is when you come together with others and share from the heart. Your angel friends up there are pretty amazing Hamish. Thank you for allowing me to share your story.  

Day 247

I had a call with Nancy Mae this morning. Nancy is an energy healer who helps people communicate with their unborn children and those that have passed on. I spent some time researching about Spirit Babies and Nancy’s name popped up. I knew I wanted to have a session with her as soon as possible. I felt so blessed to be able to speak with Nancy. As we got into our session her face lit up with joy and happiness. She said Hamish is here and he is pure love. That is all that I feel from him. He is wise, and wants to help you through life. She mentioned he will be there for me when opportunities arise. He will help me see the path I need to walk down. She also mentioned he is a guardian angel to our family and he will also watch over our future children and that he wont be returning to earth through my lifetime. Nancy started to communicate with two spirit babies that are waiting to come through. She mentioned they would like me to sing to them. They would love me to communicate with them. She also said there is some energy blocking the apartment we live in. It feels sad, dark and heavy from all the grief and mourning. It is time to move that energy out to make space for new joy and peace to fill our home. These energetic blocks could be stopping our spirit babies from coming through. I am going to get a distance healing done on our home to move this energy out. I will also continue to lean on Hamish for guidance.

Thank you for showing up today in our session. I could feel the warmth and love coming from you. I know you are always here for me. It is so hard that I don’t get to have a ordinary relationship with you. Instead we have an extraordinary relationship. Spirit to spirit. Heart to heart. I know you are there for me as I am for you.  

Day 246

I am feeling ready for a new week. I woke up feeling more energised this morning. I am ready for new beginnings. I am reading this book called ‘Spirit Babies’ and it makes so much sense. It talks about how our babies hang around our aura before they come through to be our child. It mentions you can call forward and communicate with your spirit babies before they are conceived. I felt Hamish’s presence long before he came along. He was hanging around us for about 3 years before we fell pregnant. I can feel him around me now but it’s a different relationship. I feel so lucky that I can write this blog and send a message to Hamish each day. It has been so comforting during this time. I have Hamish’s support and guidance for the rest of my life. Today I asked for his help. I am finishing the book on ‘Navigating Baby Loss’ that he inspired and getting ready to upload it. I am so excited to share this creation with the world. I am nervous at the same time. I have also started a new Instagram account today called iamstillborn which is where I will share some more of my thoughts on my grief journey and connecting with Hamish.

I am so grateful for you Hamish. Thank you for sending me on this new path in life. I question where I am heading daily, I wonder if I am making the right choices. None of it really matters though. I know you are watching over me each day and I feel surrounded by love. Keep shining brightly and sending me your love. 

 

Day 245

Happy Mothers Day to all the mums out there. To the mothers whom are yet to hold their baby in their arms. To the Mothers who were blessed to for only a short time. For the loss Mums, the mums to be. For all the Mums walking through motherhood and taking each day as it comes not knowing if they are doing it all ‘right’. I send love to you all today. To my own Mother I send you so much love on this day. I know you sacrificed a lot for us and you did the best you could. I know bringing up four children wouldn’t of been easy. Particularly with not much support around you. I want you to know I appreciate you. We have had our ups and downs and sometimes I can only remember the bad times. I am however so grateful for all you did for us growing up. Caring for me if I got sick, supporting me to be the best dancer I could be, cheering me on with everything I do, being proud of all of us kids, working your butt off so you could put dinner on the table, reaching out for help for us when we needed it. I remember all that you have done for us and I am proud of who you are. You did it all while battling several physical and mental health issues. I love you Mum.

Hamish I thought of you a lot today. The card I got from you was beautiful. I wanted so badly to give you cuddles and kisses today. Hanging out with your cousins and my family was a nice way to spend the day. Your little cousin Kirrily and big cousin Larissa made me smile. 

 

Day 244

Am I a mother?

Why is this my life?

I know I shouldn’t entertain the victim mentality but sometimes it’s hard not to. Today I felt like crap. I don’t know if it’s the lead up to Mother’s Day or the few red wines I had last night. I am so tired. I feel confused. It’s cold, rainy and dark outside. I can relate to the weather today. I got two deliveries of flowers. One from Hamish and Greg and the other from my sis and her family. The cards made me breakdown. I am grateful for this love. I am just feeling shitty that it’s not the Mother’s Day I thought I would have. A son that is here in spirit. His mother just wants to cuddle him one more time. I miss him so much.

Why does it have to be this way?

Why did I have to enter motherhood like this?

Why can’t I have him back?

Where is he?

Is he safe up there?

Did you choose to leave?

What took you away so soon?

Are you living your purpose now?

How can I be the Mother you wanted me to be?

I love you. I miss you. I wish you didn’t have to go.

One day we will meet again, and I will be able to finally ask you these questions. For now I will have to trust the feelings I get. I will have to trust I am doing what you wanted me too.

I love you Hamish.

Day 242

Today is your eight month’s as an angel birthday. It is coming up to Mother’s Day and it is a weird time for me. I feel a bit unsure of the space inbetween that I am currently in. I miss you like crazy. I also want to be pregnant again. I wish I was already but I know I have to surrender to what is. That next little soul isn’t quite ready they need a little more time to come along. I want to send you a note today to say thank you for all that you have brought into my life. You gave me the courage to quit a job I didn’t love. You gave me the courage to speak up about the topic of stillbirth and losing a child. You have helped me get to know myself better these past eight months. Time I wouldn’t of had otherwise. If I had a choice I would bring you back in an instant. I know that is not possible though and I have accepted this is the way it was meant to be.

You have given your Dad and I time to deepen our relationship. Time to take many trips away to new locations. You have allowed us to make many new beautiful friends and deepen connections with older ones. You have given us perspective on what really matters. You have allowed us to question all that we have in our lives. You have made me question the meaning of life. You gave me time to study meditation. To bring mindfulness into my daily routine. You have allowed me to connect to Mother Nature and be in sync with her rhythms. You have allowed me to be vulnerable and cry the most amount of tears that I have ever before. You have allowed me to go to very dark places and feel what deep loss is. All the while showing me how grateful I am for this life.

The polarities of darkness and light. The yin and yang. I have read many books and blogs on stillbirth, grief and the meaning of life. I have been discovering what I really want to do with my life. I have trusted what will be will be. I have been loving and kind to myself. I have given life new meaning. I have become more spiritual. More connected to my intuition. I have followed feelings rather than what my head believes is best. I have kept showing up for myself. I have written a blog post a day. I have poured my heart out on the page. I have allowed the creativity to flow. I have reconnected to my inner spirit of freedom. I have chosen love over and over again. I may not get things right always. Again I know I am human and I can’t be perfect. I’ll just do what I can. Be the best I can be and keep showing up each day. I will honour you my son for the rest of my life. I can’t wait to tell your little brother and sister one day about how much joy you have brought into our lives.