The tears come today. I sat in meditation this morning and I felt my heart swell with love. I miss Hamish so much. I think I am starting to feel some movement from bub. It’s pretty much a year to the day when I think Hamish would have passed away. We had a check up on the Wednesday then on Saturday we knew he was gone. He left peacefully some time between Thursday and Friday. I am pretty sure I know the exact moment. It is a strange thing to look back on. I wish I could of saved him. There was nothing I could have done though. We were having weekly check ups. I was moving each day, eating well and sending him so much love. He knew how much he was loved. I want this little bub to feel that same love. No matter what happens their time in my womb will always be cherished. Hamish’s little home for nine months is now safely bringing another little soul into the word. It’s nourishing them each day and keeping them warm. I think of my bub often. I sometimes worry if they are ok. I know though deep down that this bub is coming home with us. We will get to have the joy of their earthly presence outside of my womb.
Please keep us all safe Hamish. I know your love is still pouring down from above.
I spent the day getting things ready for Hamish’s party on Saturday. I went and got a speaker and microphone as we have a lovely friend coming to sing. I then went to visit my Pop and Uncle to sort out some extra chairs and tables for the party. It is funny that even though we are so far apart in age we connect on such a deep level. I have really gotten to know my Pop and Uncle better in the past few years. Hamish has brought us even closer this year. My Pop got to hold Hamish and it’s a memory I’ll never forget. Our beautiful social worker Deb put Hamish in his arms and he hugged him and looked down at him with so much love. My Pop has always inspired me. He has grit and determination in everything he does. He worked right through past age 80 in his own business. He showed me that you don’t have to follow the system and you can create abundance in your life on your own terms. I know he was very proud of me for becoming an accountant and doing well in business but you know what is really special. Is that he is even more proud of me now as Hamish’s Mum. As someone who is showing up to the world and finding they purpose. Someone who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable and stumble along that way.
I love you Hamish
The sun is shining through the grey clouds. I am hoping it doesn’t rain for your birthday weekend coming up. I woke up feeling more alive this morning. I have felt quite drained so far in this pregnancy. I also haven’t had the motivation I normally have. My creative centre and energy is going towards growing this baby. I find it hard to slow down. To be at peace with the fact that I may not be creating anything other than our precious bub right now. I am getting better though at being happy with things just the way they are. Just being some days. Soaking up a good book, trashy television, scrolling Instagram. I am also starting my meditation practice again. I want to try and start a daily practice again in silence. I know when I meditate I am not as restless. It gives me more clarity and also helps me be present in each day. I am heading to the beach now to visit a friend. I am looking forward to looking out on the wide blue sea. I wonder if I will see any whales. If I do I know it will be a sign from Hamish.
I love you my boy
To my love
I think of you each day
I wake up knowing you are supporting me
Looking over me as I go through my life
I know your spirit is around
You have reached another dimension
Another level of your souls journey
I light the candle on your urn
Knowing that warmth signifies the love we share
I can’t believe it’s almost been a year
In some ways though I feel closer than ever to you
Writing to you has helped this
Speaking your name out loud
Connecting with you in so many ways
I think of you as pure love
The sadness is lifting
I feel at peace
At peace that you had to go so soon
At peace that this is part of my journey
I can’t change it if I wanted too
I can’t change the imprint you have left on my soul
All I can do is walk through life
Grateful for all that you are
We have just entered spring. It still feels like winter though. The sky is grey and it’s raining. Today is fathers day and we both woke up feeling very tired after such a big day yesterday. We decided to sleep in which turned out to be a bad idea. Our water was cut off from 10am all day for maintenance which we didn’t know about. So we couldn’t get up and have a shower. We are lucky our Gym is a close walk from home so we went there and got ready for the day. We had a delicious brunch and I gave Greg his fathers day pressies. I got him a ‘moonpig’ card with a picture of him holding Hamish and some other typical fathers day presents. I wished that Fathers day wasn’t like this but I also know how blessed we are to have another little one on the way. I never thought how painful such a normal day could be for those who have lost children young or old. It is another reminder of what is missing. I do believe it is also a reminder of how strong bereaved fathers really are. A symbol of their unwavering love for the children they have.
I love you Hamish. Daddy loved his card and presents.
We celebrated two special birthdays today. One was our little friend JC’s birthday who turns four on the same day of Hamish’s birthday. We went to a little community centre and played in the sun, ate way too much fairy bread and soaked up the last of winter. We then headed to my great Uncle Don’s house to celebrate his 99th birthday. I am in awe of Don as he still has his sense of humour. He doesn’t miss a beat. While he may need a couple of walking sticks to get around it doesn’t stop him from living a pretty independent life. My great grandmother Jessie had five kids and Don was the fifth. Unfortunately she passed away from the Spanish flu not long after Don was born. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would of felt like for her to leave her kids behind while they were so young. I feel a deep connection to her and I know she is one of my guardian angels watching over me. I also believe that trauma can run through the maternal line and we have to be aware of things that may need to be healed that we have carried from our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers genes and cells. I have had some kinesiology sessions to clear the energy from my own birth and Hamish’s. I want our little one to feel safe in my womb.
I love you Hamish. I could feel your presence around me today.
I had a tea with a lovely friend today. It is coming up to a decade since she lost her second son close to full term. It is so lovely to see how she has navigated life with an angel son. They do something special on his birthday each year. Her other two son’s reckon he gets the best birthday adventures. It is hard to think in just over a week we will be celebrating our little angels birthday. I want the picnic we are having to be full of love not sadness. I want Hamish to be remembered for all the amazing things that he has brought into our world. The kindness, the conenctions, love, joy and compassion for others. He has allowed us and those around us to be more grateful for each day. To not sweat the small stuff. To put things into perspective. To step away from living in our egos. To know what is important and what is not. I feel so grateful for his life. I feel grateful that he inspired the blog and the book. I feel grateful that my first born has had such a big impact on many peoples lives. Hamish will always live on in our hearts and through Greg and I. We will continue to live out his special legacy. We will continue to help those going through what we have been through. We will continue to share our journey in one way or another.
I love you Hamish.