Day 362

In the end of my yoga class today I had a vivid memory return of the night after Hamish was born. I was wide awake lying in the hospital bed full of adrenaline. I couldn’t sleep not even for a moment. The midwives gave me sleeping pills but they only helped me rest for a matter of minutes. I found out that they put you to sleep but don’t keep you there. So if your mind is still racing one hundred miles and hour then they don’t really work. I felt a soft hand on my face. Then I heard ‘Mummy it’s going to be ok, your going to be ok’. I knew it was Hamish reassuring me. He had left only a few days earlier from his body but his spirit was still so close to us. He wasn’t going to leave just yet. I know he stayed around us for a good eight months while we grieved. It was almost the moment when I felt pregnant again that he decided it was time for him to move on to a higher realm or vibration. I still feel him around me from time to time and I know he is our special guardian angel. He keeps us safe and is always watching over us.

I love you Hamish.

Day 361

I wrote something today to say at Hamish’s Birthday party. I want him to know how much we love him.

Dear Hamish

Happy birthday our little angel

Thank you for bringing so much love, joy and happiness into our lives.

Through the pain of losing you we have learned so much.

We have learned what is truly important to us

How to receive more love and give it more freely

How to really feel our emotions

You taught me how to cry properly at the ripe old age of 33

How to just allow things to be as they are

To surrender to what is thrown our way

To be in flow rather than try and control everything

You cracked our hearts wide open

You gave us your presence for nine months

You didn’t just leave us though

We can feel your spirit around us each day

The little signs you send us from above

Reminding us that you will always be there when we need you

You will watch over us as we head towards this new chapter as we get ready to welcome your little sibling

Please know Mummy and Daddy are ok

We love you so much

We will continue to live in your honour always

You will live in our hearts

A part of you will always be with me

I love you Hamish

Day 360

The tears come today. I sat in meditation this morning and I felt my heart swell with love. I miss Hamish so much. I think I am starting to feel some movement from bub. It’s pretty much a year to the day when I think Hamish would have passed away. We had a check up on the Wednesday then on Saturday we knew he was gone. He left peacefully some time between Thursday and Friday. I am pretty sure I know the exact moment. It is a strange thing to look back on. I wish I could of saved him. There was nothing I could have done though. We were having weekly check ups. I was moving each day, eating well and sending him so much love. He knew how much he was loved. I want this little bub to feel that same love. No matter what happens their time in my womb will always be cherished. Hamish’s little home for nine months is now safely bringing another little soul into the word. It’s nourishing them each day and keeping them warm. I think of my bub often. I sometimes worry if they are ok. I know though deep down that this bub is coming home with us. We will get to have the joy of their earthly presence outside of my womb.

Please keep us all safe Hamish. I know your love is still pouring down from above.

Day 359

I spent the day getting things ready for Hamish’s party on Saturday. I went and got a speaker and microphone as we have a lovely friend coming to sing. I then went to visit my Pop and Uncle to sort out some extra chairs and tables for the party. It is funny that even though we are so far apart in age we connect on such a deep level. I have really gotten to know my Pop and Uncle better in the past few years. Hamish has brought us even closer this year. My Pop got to hold Hamish and it’s a memory I’ll never forget. Our beautiful social worker Deb put Hamish in his arms and he hugged him and looked down at him with so much love. My Pop has always inspired me. He has grit and determination in everything he does. He worked right through past age 80 in his own business. He showed me that you don’t have to follow the system and you can create abundance in your life on your own terms. I know he was very proud of me for becoming an accountant and doing well in business but you know what is really special. Is that he is even more proud of me now as Hamish’s Mum. As someone who is showing up to the world and finding they purpose. Someone who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable and stumble along that way.

I love you Hamish

Day 358

The sun is shining through the grey clouds. I am hoping it doesn’t rain for your birthday weekend coming up. I woke up feeling more alive this morning. I have felt quite drained so far in this pregnancy. I also haven’t had the motivation I normally have. My creative centre and energy is going towards growing this baby. I find it hard to slow down. To be at peace with the fact that I may not be creating anything other than our precious bub right now. I am getting better though at being happy with things just the way they are. Just being some days. Soaking up a good book, trashy television, scrolling Instagram. I am also starting my meditation practice again. I want to try and start a daily practice again in silence. I know when I meditate I am not as restless. It gives me more clarity and also helps me be present in each day. I am heading to the beach now to visit a friend. I am looking forward to looking out on the wide blue sea. I wonder if I will see any whales. If I do I know it will be a sign from Hamish.

I love you my boy

Day 357

To my love

I think of you each day

I wake up knowing you are supporting me

Looking over me as I go through my life

I know your spirit is around

You have reached another dimension

Another level of your souls journey

I light the candle on your urn

Knowing that warmth signifies the love we share

I can’t believe it’s almost been a year

In some ways though I feel closer than ever to you

Writing to you has helped this

Speaking your name out loud

Connecting with you in so many ways

I think of you as pure love

The sadness is lifting

I feel at peace

At peace that you had to go so soon

At peace that this is part of my journey

I can’t change it if I wanted too

I can’t change the imprint you have left on my soul

All I can do is walk through life

Grateful for all that you are


Day 356

We have just entered spring. It still feels like winter though. The sky is grey and it’s raining. Today is fathers day and we both woke up feeling very tired after such a big day yesterday. We decided to sleep in which turned out to be a bad idea. Our water was cut off from 10am all day for maintenance which we didn’t know about. So we couldn’t get up and have a shower. We are lucky our Gym is a close walk from home so we went there and got ready for the day. We had a delicious brunch and I gave Greg his fathers day pressies. I got him a ‘moonpig’ card with a picture of him holding Hamish and some other typical fathers day presents. I wished that Fathers day wasn’t like this but I also know how blessed we are to have another little one on the way. I never thought how painful such a normal day could be for those who have lost children young or old. It is another reminder of what is missing. I do believe it is also a reminder of how strong bereaved fathers really are. A symbol of their unwavering love for the children they have.

I love you Hamish. Daddy loved his card and presents.