Day 296

After being in the city from 7 until 5 yesterday I am looking forward to a chilled out day. I am feeling more motivation and determination to get sh*t done. I had my PT session in the morning, then came home to do a little bit of work. I had a coaching session tonight with one of my soul sisters. It was a 90 minute strategy session to review where she is at with her money mindset. We deep dived in to the subconscious beliefs she carries from her childhood around money, worthiness and success. The ways she treats money in her life today and how for once and for all she wants to be financially competent and independent. It was inspiring as I know how hard it can be to talk about money, worthiness and all the topics in-between. I usually focus on how money makes someone feel, how they use it in their life, how they may tie it to their self worth and how we can set some heart centred goals to move them forward. Working on your money mindset can be life long work. It doesn’t have to be hard though. It can be fun, light hearted, graceful. When you believe money is hard it will be. When you look at it as an energy and treat it for what it is, it can become much easier to manage.

Sending you love today. I can’t believe it’s almost ten months since you have been gone. 

Day 295

I am up at 6am for the first time in a long time. I have my first mastermind day with Lorraine Murphy’s Clann. We are working out of a café in Surry Hills and I am surrounded by around 18 amazing women. These women have their own businesses and were also craving more connection. Some of them even have two businesses on the go. It inspires me to be around all of these entrepreneurs who are ready to take their business to the next level. I feel at ease within a couple of hours of hanging out with them all. My friend Elly was there too so that made it a little easier. I feel so grateful that I have this guidance today to re-write my business plan and also assess where I am going in the next three months. Some days I question what I am doing and other days I am full of determination and I know exactly what I want to be doing. The high fives I got after I told everyone my elevator pitch were a good gauge that I am heading in the right direction. I will keep taking each day as it comes. I will try and stick to my plan but also leave room for random things to come my way.

Thanks for giving me the courage to speak up today about you Hamish. I shared the ebook with the women and let them know it was another one of my projects I am working on spreading the word about. I felt proud to be your mum today. 

 

Day 294

It is the first day of the new month. I am feeling so many mixed emotions. I don’t know if tired is an emotion but I’m tired. I’m feeling excited, nervous and uneasy at times. I thought I was already slowing down and living a much more chilled out life. Now my days have become a mix of naps and pondering. I am pondering life. What it all means. Why am I here? What is my highest purpose? How can I make Hamish proud? I am thinking about many things I want to create. I am thinking about starting a meditation app, more workshops and other creations. I am trying to nourish my body the best way I know how to each day. I am hydrating myself, moving my body and ramping up the self care. There is guilt coming up around the fact that I’m not doing enough. I am still peeling back the layers of my ego and my previous life. I am still letting go of the busy life of go, go, go. I am still letting go of the capitalist ideal that I had become.

Hamish I hope you know how much I love you. I really need your love right now.

Day 293

I walked into the room to set up my workshop. The studio has a presence about it. It’s tranquil and peaceful. Even though it is on a busy street and near the train station. I feel at ease as everyone arrives. I know how much love I have poured into this workshop and I am so excited to share it with the right soul sisters that came along. I know and trust that I am in the right place at the right time. I know that Hamish is supporting me and guiding me today. During the meditations, I felt so grateful, to be able to hold this space. To be able to open up my soul sisters minds to something haven’t experienced before. The first meditation was twenty minutes in silence counting our breath. I knew how much of a challenge this would be and I was so proud of everyone for giving it a go. The next meditation was a candle gazing one. I was trying to also meditate while running the workshop but it didn’t feel right. I felt like I had to always be switched on. The last meditation was a gratitude one which I guided. We ended the final meditation with the ‘Devi Prayer‘ playing and I felt everyone’s heart open up. I know this is the work that I want to be doing in the world.

Hamish I love you. 

Day 292

I am sitting in a little café in Annandale. It is rare that I hop over the other side of the city. I am meeting some special women today for tea. One of them is my dear social worker Deb and the other is an author Annie M. I decided to come a little earlier so I can do some writing. Annie wrote the book ‘You Could Have Been‘ dedicated to her son Xavier. We read the book around the campfire for Mia’s first birthday and there wasn’t a dry eye in sight. The book is a labour of love and it is such a beautiful tribute to Xavier that we can read to our children we have lost. It makes me cry every time I read the words. I know what Hamish has become. For someone that lived a short life he has left a big footprint on the world and will continue to. He has lived through Greg and I each day since his passing. He has touched many peoples lives with his love. The love he has pours through me each day. I am sure of it. I had the strength to share our story because Hamish wanted it told. His spirit has been with us each step of the way on this journey. That is one of the only things that gives me comfort. I hold on to the fact that no matter where I am, where I travel he will always be there by our side.

I love you my baby. I am so glad you are always with me wherever I go. 

Day 291

Today was full of mixed feelings. One part of me is feeling happy and hopeful for the future. Another part of my heart is still feeling sad. I long for Hamish and today I felt like I needed him more than ever. Greg was working from home and I was just feeling a little down. I realised it has been a while since I cried. I lit the candle on Hamish’s urn and cried for my little boy. I don’t want to keep going over the what ifs and all that he would be right now. Some days though the grief takes over in certain moments. In these moments I remind myself of how grateful I am, for I have in my life. I am still at times confused about where I am going. What I am doing with my life. I question the decisions I have made. I know I didn’t make the easy choice. Some days I take a sneak peak at seek.com as I wonder if this whole entrepreneurship lifestyle is for me.

I had a call with one of my soul family today and we chatted about how you can change paths at anytime. It doesn’t always make sense in business. Sometimes we need to follow our heart above all else and make hard choices. Sometimes we need to build a business on soul rather than potential profits. I am going to keep walking this path. I will try my best to stay on track. I have a mastermind which starts next week in person which I am really looking forward too. I think the hardest part of working from home is feeling lonely and not having the connection with as many people that I used to before. I would have contact with up to 100 people most days in my corporate role. Now some days I only see Greg. I know my soul is craving more connection I just need to work out what that looks like.

I love you my boy.

 

Day 290

It is pouring with rain and cold outside. I’ve decided today is a day to stay indoors. I have some stuff to catch up on and feel like it is a good time to be at home. The full moon is coming, I feel like I am letting go of many things, this month. I feel like I am leaving space for new creations to be birthed. I feel like there are some new ways of doing business brewing. I am trying not to get too caught up in how everyone else is doing things. One part of me wants to learn from others. Another part of me knows I need to be free to create and just be. If I try and follow everyone else’s plan it might not leave room for new ideas to come through. I have a clear 90-day plan that I am delivering on in my business but I also want to leave room for flow. I also feel like I want to do a things a little differently. A part of me wants to keep diving into teaching meditation. I know how helpful it can be when you are living a busy life. I know how much meditation has changed my life in the past year. It has brought me back to the present on a daily basis. It has allowed me to listen to my intuition and souls voice.

I love you Hamish. The more I meditate the closer I feel to you.