I Am Still Born

I spent the day getting things ready for Hamish’s party on Saturday. I went and got a speaker and microphone as we have a lovely friend coming to sing. I then went to visit my Pop and Uncle to sort out some extra chairs and tables for the party. It is funny that even though we are so far apart in age we connect on such a deep level. I have really gotten to know my Pop and Uncle better in the past few years. Hamish has brought us even closer this year. My Pop got to hold Hamish and it’s a memory I’ll never forget. Our beautiful social worker Deb put Hamish in his arms and he hugged him and looked down at him with so much love. My Pop has always inspired me. He has grit and determination in everything he does. He worked right through past age 80 in his own business. He showed me that you don’t have to follow the system and you can create abundance in your life on your own terms. I know he was very proud of me for becoming an accountant and doing well in business but you know what is really special. Is that he is even more proud of me now as Hamish’s Mum. As someone who is showing up to the world and finding they purpose. Someone who isn’t afraid to be vulnerable and stumble along that way.

I love you Hamish

The sun is shining through the grey clouds. I am hoping it doesn’t rain for your birthday weekend coming up. I woke up feeling more alive this morning. I have felt quite drained so far in this pregnancy. I also haven’t had the motivation I normally have. My creative centre and energy is going towards growing this baby. I find it hard to slow down. To be at peace with the fact that I may not be creating anything other than our precious bub right now. I am getting better though at being happy with things just the way they are. Just being some days. Soaking up a good book, trashy television, scrolling Instagram. I am also starting my meditation practice again. I want to try and start a daily practice again in silence. I know when I meditate I am not as restless. It gives me more clarity and also helps me be present in each day. I am heading to the beach now to visit a friend. I am looking forward to looking out on the wide blue sea. I wonder if I will see any whales. If I do I know it will be a sign from Hamish.

I love you my boy

To my love

I think of you each day

I wake up knowing you are supporting me

Looking over me as I go through my life

I know your spirit is around

You have reached another dimension

Another level of your souls journey

I light the candle on your urn

Knowing that warmth signifies the love we share

I can’t believe it’s almost been a year

In some ways though I feel closer than ever to you

Writing to you has helped this

Speaking your name out loud

Connecting with you in so many ways

I think of you as pure love

The sadness is lifting

I feel at peace

At peace that you had to go so soon

At peace that this is part of my journey

I can’t change it if I wanted too

I can’t change the imprint you have left on my soul

All I can do is walk through life

Grateful for all that you are

 

We have just entered spring. It still feels like winter though. The sky is grey and it’s raining. Today is fathers day and we both woke up feeling very tired after such a big day yesterday. We decided to sleep in which turned out to be a bad idea. Our water was cut off from 10am all day for maintenance which we didn’t know about. So we couldn’t get up and have a shower. We are lucky our Gym is a close walk from home so we went there and got ready for the day. We had a delicious brunch and I gave Greg his fathers day pressies. I got him a ‘moonpig’ card with a picture of him holding Hamish and some other typical fathers day presents. I wished that Fathers day wasn’t like this but I also know how blessed we are to have another little one on the way. I never thought how painful such a normal day could be for those who have lost children young or old. It is another reminder of what is missing. I do believe it is also a reminder of how strong bereaved fathers really are. A symbol of their unwavering love for the children they have.

I love you Hamish. Daddy loved his card and presents. 

We celebrated two special birthdays today. One was our little friend JC’s birthday who turns four on the same day of Hamish’s birthday. We went to a little community centre and played in the sun, ate way too much fairy bread and soaked up the last of winter. We then headed to my great Uncle Don’s house to celebrate his 99th birthday. I am in awe of Don as he still has his sense of humour. He doesn’t miss a beat. While he may need a couple of walking sticks to get around it doesn’t stop him from living a pretty independent life. My great grandmother Jessie had five kids and Don was the fifth. Unfortunately she passed away from the Spanish flu not long after Don was born. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would of felt like for her to leave her kids behind while they were so young. I feel a deep connection to her and I know she is one of my guardian angels watching over me. I also believe that trauma can run through the maternal line and we have to be aware of things that may need to be healed that we have carried from our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers genes and cells. I have had some kinesiology sessions to clear the energy from my own birth and Hamish’s. I want our little one to feel safe in my womb.

I love you Hamish. I could feel your presence around me today.

 

I had a tea with a lovely friend today. It is coming up to a decade since she lost her second son close to full term. It is so lovely to see how she has navigated life with an angel son. They do something special on his birthday each year. Her other two son’s reckon he gets the best birthday adventures. It is hard to think in just over a week we will be celebrating our little angels birthday. I want the picnic we are having to be full of love not sadness. I want Hamish to be remembered for all the amazing things that he has brought into our world. The kindness, the conenctions, love, joy and compassion for others. He has allowed us and those around us to be more grateful for each day. To not sweat the small stuff. To put things into perspective. To step away from living in our egos. To know what is important and what is not. I feel so grateful for his life. I feel grateful that he inspired the blog and the book. I feel grateful that my first born has had such a big impact on many peoples lives. Hamish will always live on in our hearts and through Greg and I. We will continue to live out his special legacy. We will continue to help those going through what we have been through. We will continue to share our journey in one way or another.

I love you Hamish. 

A special little boy entered the world yesterday and I got to hold him today. My soul sister had a boy called Noah and he is so gorgeous. It was hard to hold him as he weighed almost the same as Hamish did. I loved being able to connect with him though. His eyes were wide as I held him and he looked so peaceful. I was emotional yesterday after hearing of his arrival. It is like a huge breathe out when I hear of my friends babies arriving safely. Every baby that comes into this world is such a miracle. I now know how precious and magical it really is. I sat in the hospital room thinking about how this is going to be me next. I really can’t wait. It is hard to be patient but I know our baby has waited the perfect amount of time before we get to be their parent. I can’t wait to hold our baby and cherish each moment with them. I am consciously trying to connect with bub now. Greg speaks to bub each night. Baby can hear us speak now so I am more aware of the sounds around us. I want them to feel peaceful and loved each day.

I love you two. 

I am meeting an old friend for lunch who I haven’t seen in many years. I am nervous but I know it will be good to catch up. I woke up early this morning after a night of crazy dreams. I swear pregnancy puts your dreams on steroids and you end up dreaming of the most random things. I am now sitting in my local café having a chai and avocado toast for breakfast listening to 80’s pop tunes. I sit in gratitude that I am able to live this life. I am able to work from a café or home. I am well and I am carrying our next child. There is so much to be grateful for. Hamish has changed my life for the better. He has showed me what is really important. He showed me how to strip back my ego. To strip back all the things that I thought made me successful in my career. To realise none of it really matters. It doesn’t define me. No one thing or job, title does. I define myself on how I feel when I go to bed at night. Have I shown up and served in that day? Have I shared the love? Have I lived in alignment with my values? These are the few questions I ask. When my ego creeps up and says you should be doing more. I ignore it. It is hard sometimes but I know the path I am on is the right one. I know that even if I have some slight detours I am heading in the write direction. Every word, blog post and step I move forward is on the ‘right’ path.

I love you Hamish. 

Today was a pretty restful day besides my personal training session in the park. I got home after feeling a little buggered. I think it was the burpees that did it! I am feeling stronger in my body now. I am able to do more. I still have no desire to go to the gym. I have weights at home and I feel like if I did my own routine that would work better for me. I feel like my body has been through a lot in the past two years. I do believe though that my body is made for this. It can handle most things and will get us through this pregnancy. I have officially twenty three weeks to go until my induction so I am counting down! It wont be long before I am half way there. I feel like I am starting to bond more with this bub. I still haven’t felt any real kicks so sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. Every time I see my OB it is like an extra bit of reassurance that everything is ok. I know in my heart everything is ok but my mind still likes to scare me. I will just have to manage this throughout my pregnancy. I am also committed to meditating more as I know when I do I drop into that heart space. I can hear my intuition more clearly and there is less anxiety.

I hope you are ok little one. I think of you both and I hope you have a special bond from that space in between.

It is grey, raining and windy outside. It feels like the full moon brought a big shift in the weather. It feels more like winter. I woke up and made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t spend time scrolling on Instagram. I just laid down for a while and contemplated what I wanted to do for the day. I got up and drank a big glass of warm lemon water and made my fresh celery juice. I want to really work on what I am putting into my body. The past few weeks my diet has been mostly good but there have been days where I haven’t eaten that well. I think when my energy is low my first thought is to eat something sweet or just something quick that will satisfy me. I have been reading more from the medical medium and also looking in to how I can best support myself and bub during this time. I wish I could wake up wanting to jump out of bed. I am also committing to reading a book a week. I have found myself getting very distracted lately and looking at websites like the Daily Mail way too often. I am craving to learn more and expand my mind. I don’t know whether the yoga teaching course is the right thing for me though. I have contacted a few friends that have done it and they say it is very intense. I am a life long learner but this might be the time for something less intense.

I love you my boy.