Day 358

The sun is shining through the grey clouds. I am hoping it doesn’t rain for your birthday weekend coming up. I woke up feeling more alive this morning. I have felt quite drained so far in this pregnancy. I also haven’t had the motivation I normally have. My creative centre and energy is going towards growing this baby. I find it hard to slow down. To be at peace with the fact that I may not be creating anything other than our precious bub right now. I am getting better though at being happy with things just the way they are. Just being some days. Soaking up a good book, trashy television, scrolling Instagram. I am also starting my meditation practice again. I want to try and start a daily practice again in silence. I know when I meditate I am not as restless. It gives me more clarity and also helps me be present in each day. I am heading to the beach now to visit a friend. I am looking forward to looking out on the wide blue sea. I wonder if I will see any whales. If I do I know it will be a sign from Hamish.

I love you my boy

Day 357

To my love

I think of you each day

I wake up knowing you are supporting me

Looking over me as I go through my life

I know your spirit is around

You have reached another dimension

Another level of your souls journey

I light the candle on your urn

Knowing that warmth signifies the love we share

I can’t believe it’s almost been a year

In some ways though I feel closer than ever to you

Writing to you has helped this

Speaking your name out loud

Connecting with you in so many ways

I think of you as pure love

The sadness is lifting

I feel at peace

At peace that you had to go so soon

At peace that this is part of my journey

I can’t change it if I wanted too

I can’t change the imprint you have left on my soul

All I can do is walk through life

Grateful for all that you are

 

Day 356

We have just entered spring. It still feels like winter though. The sky is grey and it’s raining. Today is fathers day and we both woke up feeling very tired after such a big day yesterday. We decided to sleep in which turned out to be a bad idea. Our water was cut off from 10am all day for maintenance which we didn’t know about. So we couldn’t get up and have a shower. We are lucky our Gym is a close walk from home so we went there and got ready for the day. We had a delicious brunch and I gave Greg his fathers day pressies. I got him a ‘moonpig’ card with a picture of him holding Hamish and some other typical fathers day presents. I wished that Fathers day wasn’t like this but I also know how blessed we are to have another little one on the way. I never thought how painful such a normal day could be for those who have lost children young or old. It is another reminder of what is missing. I do believe it is also a reminder of how strong bereaved fathers really are. A symbol of their unwavering love for the children they have.

I love you Hamish. Daddy loved his card and presents. 

Day 355

We celebrated two special birthdays today. One was our little friend JC’s birthday who turns four on the same day of Hamish’s birthday. We went to a little community centre and played in the sun, ate way too much fairy bread and soaked up the last of winter. We then headed to my great Uncle Don’s house to celebrate his 99th birthday. I am in awe of Don as he still has his sense of humour. He doesn’t miss a beat. While he may need a couple of walking sticks to get around it doesn’t stop him from living a pretty independent life. My great grandmother Jessie had five kids and Don was the fifth. Unfortunately she passed away from the Spanish flu not long after Don was born. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would of felt like for her to leave her kids behind while they were so young. I feel a deep connection to her and I know she is one of my guardian angels watching over me. I also believe that trauma can run through the maternal line and we have to be aware of things that may need to be healed that we have carried from our mothers, grandmothers and great grandmothers genes and cells. I have had some kinesiology sessions to clear the energy from my own birth and Hamish’s. I want our little one to feel safe in my womb.

I love you Hamish. I could feel your presence around me today.

 

Day 354

I had a tea with a lovely friend today. It is coming up to a decade since she lost her second son close to full term. It is so lovely to see how she has navigated life with an angel son. They do something special on his birthday each year. Her other two son’s reckon he gets the best birthday adventures. It is hard to think in just over a week we will be celebrating our little angels birthday. I want the picnic we are having to be full of love not sadness. I want Hamish to be remembered for all the amazing things that he has brought into our world. The kindness, the conenctions, love, joy and compassion for others. He has allowed us and those around us to be more grateful for each day. To not sweat the small stuff. To put things into perspective. To step away from living in our egos. To know what is important and what is not. I feel so grateful for his life. I feel grateful that he inspired the blog and the book. I feel grateful that my first born has had such a big impact on many peoples lives. Hamish will always live on in our hearts and through Greg and I. We will continue to live out his special legacy. We will continue to help those going through what we have been through. We will continue to share our journey in one way or another.

I love you Hamish. 

Day 353

A special little boy entered the world yesterday and I got to hold him today. My soul sister had a boy called Noah and he is so gorgeous. It was hard to hold him as he weighed almost the same as Hamish did. I loved being able to connect with him though. His eyes were wide as I held him and he looked so peaceful. I was emotional yesterday after hearing of his arrival. It is like a huge breathe out when I hear of my friends babies arriving safely. Every baby that comes into this world is such a miracle. I now know how precious and magical it really is. I sat in the hospital room thinking about how this is going to be me next. I really can’t wait. It is hard to be patient but I know our baby has waited the perfect amount of time before we get to be their parent. I can’t wait to hold our baby and cherish each moment with them. I am consciously trying to connect with bub now. Greg speaks to bub each night. Baby can hear us speak now so I am more aware of the sounds around us. I want them to feel peaceful and loved each day.

I love you two. 

Day 352

I am meeting an old friend for lunch who I haven’t seen in many years. I am nervous but I know it will be good to catch up. I woke up early this morning after a night of crazy dreams. I swear pregnancy puts your dreams on steroids and you end up dreaming of the most random things. I am now sitting in my local café having a chai and avocado toast for breakfast listening to 80’s pop tunes. I sit in gratitude that I am able to live this life. I am able to work from a café or home. I am well and I am carrying our next child. There is so much to be grateful for. Hamish has changed my life for the better. He has showed me what is really important. He showed me how to strip back my ego. To strip back all the things that I thought made me successful in my career. To realise none of it really matters. It doesn’t define me. No one thing or job, title does. I define myself on how I feel when I go to bed at night. Have I shown up and served in that day? Have I shared the love? Have I lived in alignment with my values? These are the few questions I ask. When my ego creeps up and says you should be doing more. I ignore it. It is hard sometimes but I know the path I am on is the right one. I know that even if I have some slight detours I am heading in the write direction. Every word, blog post and step I move forward is on the ‘right’ path.

I love you Hamish.