I Am Still Born

I had a day filled with lots of soul sister time. I started the day with my goddess mastermind and then went out for lunch with my beautiful you coaching friends. It was so lovely to have some deep soulful conversations about life and everything else in-between. We spent a good hour or so at my goddess catch up talking about what it means to be connected to spirit. To those who have left the earth. Those that guide us through our lives. Our spiritual board of directors who are there for us as we walk our earthly path. Since Hamish left I haven’t felt his loss in the same way that others may feel it. I don’t feel like he is gone. There is still pain in my heart and my arms are empty. He is still here though, it is just different to a normal mother and son relationship. I believe he is one of my guardian angels that will be with me for the rest of my life here on earth. I believe he will guide and support our family always. I believe that my connection to him will continue to grow. I know that his time was for a reason and his legacy will be felt for years to come. Greg asked me tonight would I change anything if I could? I just replied that we can’t so I don’t even want to keep going down that path. I want to love this life we have right now. I want to be grateful for all the blessings we have. Our precious baby that is on the way. Our abundant lives that are full of love.

Thinking of you today my bub. I lit the candle on your urn and thought about all the love you have brought into our lives.  

Today was dedicated too our relationship and having fun. I love knowing we have the whole day together to do whatever we please. I feel so much love for Greg and I am grateful he is my soul mate. We have had our testing times but the more we both work on our relationship the better it gets. I am a big believer that the grass is greener where you water it. If you pour your love and attention into your relationship you will reap the rewards. We decide to go to a café in our old neighbourhood. I loved the ricotta hotcakes they make and the brekky wrap. We got both and shared them. I was feeling so loved up in the afternoon that I even sat and watched the rugby with Greg. I don’t normally watch that much sport but today was an exception. The Wallabies lost miserably but it was still good to watch. I went to bed tonight with a full heart of love. I know that I have my biggest cheerleader right beside me in this life. I know that we will do our best to keep cultivating our love when bub arrives. I know our lives will change but we are more than ready for this next chapter. Where we get to show this baby how much love we have for us and them.

I love you Hamish

I went to pregnancy yoga with my lovely friend who has just come back from 9 months of travel. I am in awe of how relaxed and chilled she is. I am also super excited that we get to be pregnant together. The pregnancy yoga was really lovely. It took me out of my head and back into my body. It helped me get in touch with bub and feel more into my heart. With each breath and move I felt like there was more life force moving through me. We went out for brunch after and she said three simple words to me. ‘You are enough’. It cracked me open and tears started to fall. She knows I am always striving to do more, learn more and be more. Sometimes though I need the reminder that I am enough just the way I am. I don’t need another course. I don’t need to do another workshop right now. I can just be. I can spend the next few months working on passion projects. I can spend the next six months nurturing my body and baby and making sure I set us up for the best possible outcome. I don’t have to go and spend three weeks doing an intensive yoga course. I don’t have to go and do anything. I can choose to add things into my life right now where they fit. I can also choose to rest when I need to. To be of service where I can to other mums going through this. To choose to come from a place of love each day for myself.

I love you my babe. 

We had our pregnancy after loss group tonight. It was nice to meet other parents on this journey. I think there was a lot of nerves in the room. Everyone wants to know that their babies are coming home with them this time. Some are like us a year down the track and some fell pregnant very soon after their loss. I know that having the extra support over the next six months will benefit us. I know that seeing my lovely social worker Deb will also help with any fears I have as we lead up to the labour for this baby. I am trusting that this is the right place for us. What I love most about this group is that we will meet again after our babies are born. I know that will be a whole new experience for all of us. It will crack our hearts open a thousand times all while bringing back the memories from our last labour. I know it will be an emotional time and I feel ready for it. I can’t wait to be holding my precious baby. To hear their cries, to cuddle them, to feed them and to make them feel safe. To see Greg holding them. To change their nappies, to have sleepless nights. Bring it all on.

I love you Hamish. 

I went to a café by a local ferry wharf this morning to work and have breakfast. It is good to check out somewhere new and be close to the water. I’m sitting inside which I am thankful for as there are some seagulls flying around trying to eat everyone’s food outside. My motivation has been wanning the past few weeks. I haven’t felt like doing too much. I know my energy will return soon. They say once the placenta kicks in fully you start to feel better. I hope this is the case. I have been planning our trip away in a few weeks and I am really looking forward to that. A kind soul sister has offered us her holiday house for a few nights on the beach then we are driving all the way up the east coast to Brisbane to stay with Greg’s sis and family. It will be nice for us to have this little trip as we both need some rest and relaxation together. I feel like the hardest thing when you lose a child is how it affects you both as individuals but also as a couple. There is anger, blame and so much sadness at first. You have to come together and share how you are feeling, otherwise you can end up feeling like you don’t know where each other are at. I feel like we have learnt a lot about each other these past eleven months. It has brought us so much closer. There have been times though when it has felt like it has done the opposite. We can’t wait to meet our next little miracle. When they arrive we will be the most committed, loving parents and we are so grateful to have this opportunity again.

I love you my babies

I got up and ready for my PT session this morning feeling nauseous. Some days it comes and goes but today it just seemed to hang around all day. I made it through my session though without any issues. Even the three sets of burpees which were not my favourite part of the session. I know that my mental health benefits when I exercise. I also know bub does too. I want to feel fit throughout this pregnancy like I did with Hamish. I want to get to the end still being able to move around lots and feel good. I know going through two pregnancies in a short space of time is pretty full for my body. Add in the grief that I have been dealing with and I know things might be a little different this time around. I have been doing the best I can though. Even if it is a few small walks and a PT session in a week that is good for me. I am contemplating getting back into yoga properly. I actually want to do my yoga teacher training. I woke up this morning and thought about whether I could do my training in the next few months. There is a 21 day intensive course in Byron Bay that I really want to do. Greg shrieked when I told him how much it was, but I know it will be worth it. I am going to wait another week or so and see how I am feeling before I sign up. My long term vision is to create a coastal retreat centre where you can come for nutritious food, yoga, relaxation and meditation. So doing my yoga training will be one step closer to that vision.

I am so proud to be your mother. Everyday I remind myself how lucky I am. I live in your honour. I will keep writing in your honour always. 

A new week is upon us and I am still feeling very unwell. I decide to take it very slow today. I make a small trip in the sunshine to the post office and local chemist to stock up on some more tissues. It feels good to have the sun on my face again as I spent all day in bed yesterday. I decide to go sit on my rooftop for a little while and soak up the rays. I feel so grateful for all that I have. I am less worried now about accumulating things. I am less concerned with trying to get somewhere. I am just content being. I am learning the more content I am with the now, the happier I will be. I know I will never have this moment again. This day will never be repeated. I am feeling so much love in my life. I know that when this baby comes we will have so much support. I am really looking forward to February. At the same time I am being grateful for the time Greg and I have as a couple right now. It will be coming up to our five year wedding anniversary next year and I am proud of all that we have achieved in those years. I am so lucky we met. I don’t believe in chances. I think things happen mostly for a reason. I believe people come in to our lives at the perfect time. Just as Hamish blessed our lives with his presence. Those nine months will always be cherished.

I love you my bub.

I spent the day in bed. I didn’t sleep well and was coughing all night. I think this cold is telling me it will get worse before it gets better. I listened to what the cold was telling me to do and stayed in bed. Greg made me a fresh ginger, lemon, celery and apple juice in the morning and then went out and got my favourite avocado toast. I feel like I need to just let my body rest as much as possible. I am not good at staying in bed. I have been good at having naps in the first trimester. But slowing down all together and not going out of the house is abnormal to me. I am always going somewhere. I realise that I need to stop. I need to let Greg take care of me and just sleep. I got up around 6pm for dinner and I felt a little more normal. We both didn’t feel like cooking so ordered in pizza. It isn’t the most nutritious meal but it tasted so damn good. I am slowly being less hard on myself. I know that a few days of rest is what I need. I haven’t put anything in the calendar tomorrow as I am going to stay home and relax.

Hamish, I love you so much. 

I went to a friends Baby shower today. I didn’t really think about it too much. I feel like it is less triggering than a 1st birthday party would be right now. I met some new mums there that had just had their bubs. It was hard talking to them about my situation. I don’t like not telling people, at the same time you never know how someone will react. It was ok though and the love I got in the room was so appreciated. I am so excited for all my pregnant friends. I wish them the most safest pregnancy and labour. I don’t have huge fears but now I know what can go wrong I always let out a sigh of relief when I hear a baby has arrived safely. I am not waiting for the worst to happen I am just more realistic now. My intuition tells me that our baby is going to come home with us. My intuition tells me to trust my body. To be present on this pregnancy journey. To trust that all is well. I am going to do my best to continue on this way. I am going to a pregnancy after loss group next week and I am excited for that. I love meeting other mums and dads on this journey. I know we have got each others backs.

I love you buddy

I went for coffee with my lovely friend Annie who unfortunately also lost her first born son Xavier. She now has a little pocket rocket of energy Kai who is heading towards two years old. He is the cutest and happiest little guy. It was nice to spend time with them both this morning and talk about life, loss and love. It is also nice to see how Annie is going now with her rainbow bub. Annie wrote a beautiful book dedicated to her son Xavier for all the loss parents out there and you can check it out here. It is strange how grief and loss can bring so much love into peoples lives. It can bring more meaning. It can give you a chance to ‘rethink and recalibrate’ how you want to live out your everyday. It also allows you to have deeper conversations about the stuff that really matters. It allows you to make new found friendships with those that have been through a similar thing. I am so grateful for the new friends that have become family to me in this past year. The ones who just get it. I am grateful for all my friends and family that have walked this path along side us. Even the ones that don’t really understand what we are going through but send their love.

Thank you buddy for bringing so much love into my life.