Day 339

I had a coaching session today with a lovely client and it reminded me to stay on this path. I started the session with a grounding meditation and then visualisation. I lead the session with my heart. I know this is the kind of work I want to be doing more of. I know in my heart I can hold this space for women. I felt so empowered when I got off the call. I am still battling this cold but nothing could make me feel bad today. I am trying to rest as much as possible. Greg has been cooking more and helping look after me. I haven’t been sleeping that well either as my sinuses are so blocked. I am really starting to stop worrying so much about where I am going. After leaving the corporate world of always doing and achieving behind I still have to remind myself it is ok to go slow. I can go at any pace I like really. My no. one priority right now is looking after my health and our precious bub. A lot of my creative womb energy is working on giving our baby the best start in life. I am surrendering to this. It is not a time for me to be doing lots of creating. It is a time for me to sit and be. To write and create when I feel called to. Not on anyone else’s timetable.

I love you. I have been looking out at the clouds today and thinking of you. One of my soul sisters five year old daughters, drew a picture and wrote her name and Hamish’s on it. She told her mum you were her invisible friend. It just made me smile as I know you are still around. 

Day 338

I am sitting in a beautiful café overlooking one of my favourite local beaches. It is a warm sunny winters day. I spent some time sitting on the rocks, soaking up the morning sun and just listening to the water crash below me. I feel so grateful in this moment. I look over to the sand and I cant wait to be playing there with our little one next year. Making sandcastles and going for lots of swims. I have been feeling a little down the past few days. Yesterday I stayed inside most of the day and I didn’t feel like doing much after the scan. Today I knew I needed to get out of the apartment and ground myself. I know I feel more energised when I spend time in nature. I also feel like a bit congested from this cold. I juiced some fresh oranges this morning and I am doing my best to make sure that I can kick it before it gets any worse. I have been so lucky this winter as I haven’t been sick once. I am listening to my body though and if it needs a little more rest right now that is what I will give it.

I thought of you this morning. How you made me a mother, how you turned my life upside down for the better. I love you.

Day 337

The day has come to have our thirteen week scan. I can hardly contain my excitement. I really want to see our little one on the screen. I want to make sure they are thriving and growing. As I sat down to be scanned, little one didn’t want to be seen. They turned their back to us and laid on their side. I had to wriggle a bit to get baby to turn over the right way. Every time bub would turn over, they would wriggle straight back to their comfy position on their side. It was cool to see baby’s long legs kicking and the hand that kept waving at us. We have a little wriggler that is for sure. Baby stayed still for about 2 seconds in the right position, allowing our sonographer to take a few good pics. Heart is beating strong and baby is looking good. It gives us both some more reassurance and I look at Greg and squeeze his hand. This pregnancy is going to be a long journey. I know I need to trust that all is well. My placenta is at the front which means it might be a while before I feel baby kick. This will require me to surrender even more.

I love you Hamish. I know you are watching over us three. 

Day 336

I am officially 13 weeks today. I feel a little tired but mainly because I think I am getting a bit of a cold. I decided today would be dedicated to rest. I had such a big weekend and need to take it easy. I have massive fear of missing out on anything and I know I pushed it a bit these past few days. I am not very good at saying no so it is something I am working on. Also setting boundaries around my time. Knowing that if I have a big day I probably wont feel like going out for a late dinner. I always want to make the most out of each day. I want to feel like I am not wasting a minute. I know my meditation practice helps me slow down. I went back into my silent practice this morning. I let the thoughts drift through as I sat in the warmth of my living room. I have a couple of special cusions I sit on. I am also very close to Hamish when I meditate at home. I have his urn and alter with beautiful crystals surrounding him right next to me. I haven’t thought much about what I want to do with his ashes. For now he is staying home with us.

Hamish you are so loved

Day 335

I woke up feeling quite drained. I knew that I needed to get out into some fresh air and go for a walk. Greg and I went to meet some friends from Queensland for brunch and a coastal walk. It is cold but the sun is shining brightly and giving a little warmth when you stand under it. We talked about what happened with Hamish and how we will be doing things differently this time around. I am a little superstitious in the fact that I don’t want to repeat what I did in Hamish’s pregnancy. I am not in the same job. I am living a very different life. We have a new doctor. I cook most of my meals now. I rest more than I did before. Sometimes I don’t even like going to the same cafe’s I went to in the week before Hamish died. So many thoughts go through your head after you lose a child. When you are pregnant again it is hard not to be super protective. I can’t always wrap myself up in cotton wool. I will look after myself the best way I know how though over the next six months and beyond. I will breathe. I will slow down. I will spend time near the ocean. I will nourish and move my body. I will just be. I will allow my emotions to flow through me.

I love you Hamish

Day 334

Today was full of love and connection. I spent the morning at the business chicks event and connected with many of my soul sisters. I had a pink tonic mocktail and enjoyed listening to all the speakers. It instilled in me a sense of ‘I can do this’ when it comes to running my own business. Lately I have been listening to my inner critic a bit too much. I also have certain ideas of what a ‘successful’ business looks like. I compare myself to others in my field and I get caught up in trying to be perfect. This blog has been a huge lesson in not being perfect. I don’t edit the posts. My grammar isn’t always perfect. I am just sharing my heart on a daily basis. I wish I could apply this to my business more. I am learning slowly that done is better than perfect. I can’t really believe that this is blog post three hundred and thirty four. I had another loss mum from the UK contact me recently and she mentioned she was inspired to write through her grief after reading my blog. Emails like this is what keeps me going. Some days I want to give up and just stop. Other days I am reminded by how special it can be to open up and share our stories. I made a promise to Hamish that I would blog every day until his 1st birthday. We are not far away now and I feel very blessed that I have been able to take time out to share my grief and journey to happiness again. I want to also thank today anyone that has read my blog and supported this journey. You guys also inspire me to keep going.

I love you buddy

Day 333

Three, three, three means that angels are supporting me. It is an angel number that is linked to psychic ability and intuitive gifts. I have felt very supported these past few months. I have also felt like I have opened my eyes and my mind to what else is out there. I have received signs from Hamish and this little baby inside of me. I have had vivid dreams of this baby in the past few weeks. One just last night was of an ultrasound. I could see straight into my womb. Our baby was moving around and smiling at me. I know they are safe and sound. I am not trying as hard to connect but rather allowing things to flow to me. I haven’t been mediating as much as usual. I have though had quiet time to contemplate. I have been listening to my body and making choices that align with how it feels. It hasn’t been easy to rest these past few months. To slow down. It is not my usual pace of life. I do know that I needed the rest. I needed to nap when my body asked for it. I need to be close to the ocean and nature most days. I needed to sit in the sun and soak up it’s warmth. I needed to feel grounded, safe and loved throughout this first trimester.

Hamish I think of you often. I look up to the blue sky and wonder if you can see me. Today you have been gone from this earthly plane for eleven months. Each month that passes my heart still yearns for you. I know you are still around though and will always send me your love. 

Day 332

Today I am having a quiet one as I know the next few days are very full of activities. I am going to a business chicks conference 9toThrive on Friday and Saturday and I also have my soul sisters birthday on Saturday afternoon. I have been trying to organise something for Hamish’s 1st angel birthday this week. It isn’t easy as I don’t really know what to do. I know I want a small get together in a local park. I wish he could be here to see what an impact he has had on all of our lives. I know he can feel our love from above. I have been sitting in full acceptance this week of where I am at. I have also been realising that despite losing Hamish I am living a very beautiful life. I have so much love and support around me and I have freedom to work on a business I love. I have a roof over my head and abundance around me. There is nothing to worry about. What is even more amazing is that I am carrying our second precious child. I wake up each morning and wonder if I am still pregnant. I know this might sound weird but during the first few months when you can’t feel a kick you mind plays tricks on you. I don’t have heaps of anxiety, I just have this little voice that pipes up now and then that tells me maybe something will go wrong. I think it is a protection mechanism. Like don’t get too happy or excited until the baby is here. I decided though to not listen to that voice. I want to feel the joy of this baby now. I want to feel all of the love and the miracle that is happening inside my womb. I don’t want to deny myself that happiness.

I love you Hamish. 

Day 331

I turned up at a Trivia night well equipped with my normally useless celebrity knowledge like the year Britney Spears was born (1981 for anyone wondering). Although when I walked in I realised it wasn’t a normal Trivia night. It was based on the TV show Friends. I have to say I have seen most episodes, but I can’t for the life of me remember intricate details about Ross’s three wives and Chandlers mum. The three of us girls competed against tables with over ten. In the first half we got most of the answers right. This was thanks to my friend Laura who seems to have watched each episode of the ten seasons multiple times! The second round we well and truly bombed. Who knows the colour of the couch in Central Perk, Who turns off the lamp at the end of the episode, What season Gunther first spoke in and how many seasons of the spin off Joey there were? Well we didn’t or couldn’t remember for that matter. It was still a fun night and as I got home late Greg was already half asleep in bed. I asked him all the questions we couldn’t get right. What do you know, my husband has a photographic memory of every friends episode. One of the things I love about him is he seems to remember the most random of facts. His memory to do with movies, TV shows and football could beat most people.

I love you Hamish

Day 330

As I spoke with my unborn child tonight, they took me back to Hamish’s funeral. Where I walked down the aisle and laid his little body down to rest at the end. My baby took me back to a moment of truth. A moment just after I became a mother. A moment where I stepped into who I was always meant to be. No bullshit. No people pleasing. Just me, the raw, vulnerable mother standing in front of her friends and family and sharing her truth. Speaking about her love for her son. My baby reminded me of all I have become and undone in such a short time. How the mother I am today will continue to evolve. And that I am now ready for their little soul to join us. I am ready to share my love. I am ready to surrender and trust this baby with all that I have. There is no way of knowing how the future is going to pan out. I know though in my heart it will be bright.

My babies I love you so much. Hamish you will forever be a baby in my heart and soul. It’s all I ever knew you as. I trust that you choose this path and you had to go. It’s not easy for me to accept but as each day passes it becomes clearer to me that I wasn’t in control. No one can control every outcome in their life. We have to be at peace with it, as it is in each moment.