As I spoke with my unborn child tonight, they took me back to Hamish’s funeral. Where I walked down the aisle and laid his little body down to rest at the end. My baby took me back to a moment of truth. A moment just after I became a mother. A moment where I stepped into who I was always meant to be. No bullshit. No people pleasing. Just me, the raw, vulnerable mother standing in front of her friends and family and sharing her truth. Speaking about her love for her son. My baby reminded me of all I have become and undone in such a short time. How the mother I am today will continue to evolve. And that I am now ready for their little soul to join us. I am ready to share my love. I am ready to surrender and trust this baby with all that I have. There is no way of knowing how the future is going to pan out. I know though in my heart it will be bright.
My babies I love you so much. Hamish you will forever be a baby in my heart and soul. It’s all I ever knew you as. I trust that you choose this path and you had to go. It’s not easy for me to accept but as each day passes it becomes clearer to me that I wasn’t in control. No one can control every outcome in their life. We have to be at peace with it, as it is in each moment.
I Am Still Born 