I woke up feeling tired and sore. Like my whole body had been drained of all energy and my chest was feeling heavy. I don’t know if it’s the energy of the full moon or if it was from the support group yesterday. I do feel like we take on other people’s energy when we are close to them and being in that room full of pain while it is comforting it is also very draining.
I have arranged to have brunch with a friend and her little boy. I walk around the corner to her place. Each step of the way I dream of what it would be like to be pushing my pram or holding Hamish’s hand while we go to a play date. As I walk through the streets I can’t help but allow the tears to stream down my face. I’m not that keen on crying in public so I put my sunglasses on and keep walking at a faster pace. My heart hurts. I feel the physical pain of my heart breaking each time I think of Hamish.
I walk into my friends house and breakdown. I know it’s healthy for me to feel my grief and allow it to come out when it needs to. What is hard though is at any point in the day it can just wash over me. One minute it’s a calm peaceful sea and the next minute it’s 12ft waves that are crashing down on me.
Hamish you have shown me how to let my guard down. That it is ok to be vulnerable. You have allowed me to open my heart and be my true self.
I Am Still Born 