One month. Never has one month had so much significance. I know what I would rather be doing today. Sharing a cute picture of Hamish on Instagram with a ‘One Month’ card beside him. Instead I wake up without my little one. It is like a bad dream. It still feels so strange and like this is not my life. I go through stages of acceptance and then sheer disbelief. Maybe if I pretend for five minutes this didn’t happen the pain can stop.
I know Hamish wants me to share his story. I ask him each day how I can best serve him as his mother. I get an email from the pregnancy loss podcast and we are going to book in an interview. I know part of my path is to speak up about Stillbirth. For the mammas that are yet to have their babes and the beautiful angel mammas that are dealing with their losses.
I want all women to know how to monitor their babies movements while they are pregnant. I want them to trust their own intuition. I want them to know that no one knows their baby like they do. No doctor or medical practitioner knows our body’s like we do. I know it is too late for Hamish but being a first time mum I feel like I didn’t trust my intuition enough. I meditated and trusted my body but I didn’t trust my intuition when I should have.
Hamish I wish this wasn’t your path. Your Daddy and I are trying our best to look after ourselves. Happy one month my Angel I love you more than anything.