I wake up feeling annoyed today and thinking that I just want answers. I get that guilty feeling creeping back, wishing I could have done more. It feels like I failed. Even though logically I know I couldn’t have done any more but I still feel some part of me failed. My body failed me. The umbilical cord my body grew failed me. My precious boy taken by something that was feeding him life.
I know I can’t blame myself or anyone else but these feelings come and go. I did everything I could to ensure I was the healthiest pregnant mamma. I don’t know why my little boy had to go so soon. I meet my lovely Doula for lunch and she reminds me that Hamish had an amazing 9 months living in my womb. He was nourished and happy for most of his life. That is something I should treasure. I know that he was happy in there and that he did have a wonderful life feeling so much love and always protected.
Our social worker Deb came for a visit this afternoon. She is another earth angel and has a chat to Greg and I about how we are going. She is a really good listener and has a way of helping us open up and say whatever we are feeling. She has referred us to some other support services which may help in the coming months. I feel so loved today knowing I have so much support as we embark on parenthood without our child. This is not how it was meant to be. There is hope for our future though and so many people out there that are willing to help us get through this difficult time.
Hamish thank you for sending Jenna and Deb to us. I know you picked them both out carefully knowing how they would care for and nurture us during this time.