Author: Jodie Matthews

It’s 5:27am and the silence is deafening. My motherly instinct tells me to listen out for my babies cries. Instead I lie here in my bed in silence. I look over at Greg peacefully sleeping. I know I am blessed to have him by my side. But where is my Hamish. If only I could bring him back. I would do anything for that.

Becoming a mum was the most joyous thing in my life. Pregnancy for me was a breeze. I woke up each day and spent time getting to know Hamish. I would journal most days about how I was feeling, what I was grateful for and how motherhood was changing me. This tough business chick was changing her priorities. No longer was I constantly striving to achieve. I had chilled out more and wasn’t trying to climb that corporate ladder or push myself in my own business.

I went to prenatal yoga and my PT sessions each week. I took every supplement under the sun and drank countless green smoothies. I made time for rest and for Greg and I to spend lots of quality time together. It’s almost like Hamish was preparing us for what was to come. While I was pregnant our relationship grew stronger. We opened up more and we were more honest with each other. We were the most excited parents you have ever seen.

Hamish we are so blessed to be your parents. You have touched so many lives already and I know you will continue to for many years. 

I don’t know what to say or do to take the pain away. At times I look at the sky and think why did you leave me. I look at the amazing woman next to me whom I am lucky to call my wife and want to take away her pain everyday but I can’t, I just can’t.

I try to make you’re mummy laugh everyday so I can see her amazing smile, to ease her pain, it works for while but I see it in her eyes that she hurts everyday. I have thought of you each day and I try and forget the pain, to get on with it as people expect us to. I try to tell myself it’s alright, forget it all and get on with life. Don’t you feel bad or moan as you can’t be miserable forever.

I look at a photos of you or of from when you were in you’re mummy’s tummy and it reminds me of the love and happiness in our lives. I miss you and I can’t do anything about it. I wish you were in my arms making your mummy smile, for her to see us both together.

One day I will meet you again and see how you have grown and become an amazing person. I look forward to it each day to just look into you’re eyes and say I love you my son.

I sleep in again today until around 10am. I am still feeling tired but I get up. I have lunch planned with my new angel mum friend. I was a little nervous about meeting her but excited at the same time. To meet someone who is going through the same grief as me was going to be comforting.

 
I pack some food for our picnic lunch and head off to the beach. We have decided to meet at a beautiful park at a headland overlooking some of my favourite beaches. It is a little windy when I arrive but warm enough to sit outside without feeling too cold. The water is quite settled and you can see out for miles across the ocean.

 
We have a beautiful picnic and talk for hours. We are both in awe of each other. The strength it took to give birth and just how we have both overcome losing our first children. Her daughter has been sending many signs back showing she is watching over her through rainbows and other ways. This is so lovely to hear as I know I can feel Hamish’s presence and I know there are times when he is near. We are even lucky enough to see some whales breaching in the distance. Today has brought me more peace. I don’t feel as alone in my grief.

 
Thank you Hamish for such a beautiful day. I hope you are enjoying time with your new friend Mia.

It’s 11:11am and I’m still in bed. I can’t bring myself to get up today. My body is tired and I just don’t feel like doing anything. I have a cry reminiscing about what could have been. I think about how different I thought this time in my life would be. I had such an aspirational vision of what motherhood would entail. I dreamt about walking my colourful bugaboo in to my favourite coffee shop and introducing my little boy. Showering Hamish with so much love each day. Taking him on many an adventure.

Instead Greg goes to the gym and stops to get his coffee and my chai on his way home. He lets the guys who run our favourite coffee shop know about our loss. They are very sorry and share stories of how it has impacted one of their families. At least I know I can now walk into the coffee shop without getting asked where is bubba!? Each day we tell someone it makes it more of a reality. Saying those words out loud hurt so much.

My son has passed on. He didn’t make it. My little baby Hamish died.

He didn’t get past 9 months but he will forever live in my heart. It breaks me to say those words. It breaks me to write them. I wish I could do anything, anything to change how the last few weeks of how my life has unravelled. I have never felt so angry, sad and so much grief. I have had tough times in the past to deal with but nothing compares to this. I always thought losing a child before your own life would be the worst kind of pain. It sure is.

I spend the rest of the day in bed. It’s just one of those days. My body is also crying out for rest. I think I may have been pushing myself in the last week. To just keep moving forward. To keep moving my body each day and get out for long walks. Today I have also joined an online community for angel parents on Facebook. It’s called Bears of Hope support group. They are an amazing organisation that help parents get though their loss. It is comforting to read other people’s stories and see photos of their beautiful babies.

Hamish I hope wherever you are you have lots of angel friends around you. I know I am blessed to have all the support from the friends I have in my life. 

Today I wake up feeling good. I get up and make a breakfast smoothie for Greg and I. I then head to the beach for a big walk with my friend and her cute dog Ollie. We walk along the beach talking about life and how it is unfolding for both of us. A big part of what we talk about is surrendering. Surrendering to life and how it turns out. How we can’t control everything even if we wanted to.

I head home and spend some time with Greg. We then head out together for lunch with another friend at a local boat shed café. Each time I’m out in public I look around at everyone. Can they see the pain in my eyes? I wonder how they are feeling about life today? We sit by the water after lunch eating ice creams and chatting about life. Greg has been feeling chest pains most of the day and we don’t know if it is anxiety related or something else. We have booked in at the doctors this afternoon so he can get it checked out. I am worried as I know he is dealing with his grief in his own way and I just want to make sure he is ok.

If you present at the Doctors with chest pain the first thing they want to do is send you for an ECG. As Greg lost his mum to a heart attack they don’t take any of his symptoms lightly. So off we go to get some tests done and check everything is all ok. The tests come back all clear so we think he might be having some panic attacks. We will try and get a referral to see someone that can help with this. I think what is hard about this whole situation is while it is great we have each other for support we are both going through unimaginable pain at the same time. Losing our first child has been devastating and all our hopes and dreams felt like they came crashing down the day we lost Hamish.

Hamish each day we will try and be strong knowing that you are watching over us. 

I wake up feeling tired. I want to go back to sleep. Greg is going into his office today. He is also struggling to get up. I go and make us breakfast and help him get ready for work. I know facing his office for the first time is going to be hard but also good to bring some normality back into his life. Everyone in the office is so caring, some of them shed tears, and take the time to chat and see how he is going.

I head out for a walk and lunch by the beach with one of my girls. We chat about Hamish and how much he has impacted our lives in such a short time. How much all my loved ones were so excited for his arrival. How much my friends and family are hurting not just for our loss but the loss of their little Hamish too. She comforts me as I talk about how all I wanted was to be a good mum. How I wish I could have saved him. How I wish I knew before he left us that there was something not quite right. How I wish my little angel didn’t have to leave us so soon.

I have a toothache that has been ongoing pretty much for the last 2 weeks. I have booked an appointment for this afternoon. The first thing the dentist says to me is ‘How is bubba going?’ I look at him and just put my head down. I say ‘He was born 2 weeks ago but unfortunately passed away due to the cord being wrapped around him. He was stillborn.’ He looks at me with sadness and says ‘I’m so sorry’ ‘Does this happen often? How does it happen?’ I just reply saying ‘It is one of those things, they don’t know why it happens, it is like a freak accident.’ The rest of the appointment is awkward and then he tells me my back molar has chipped and it has to be removed. I previously had root canal on it but it can’t be saved. I sit back as he puts all the anaesthetic in the world into my mouth and rips it out. Greg meets me at the dentist and drives me home. I need him so much right now and I am so grateful for his love.

Hamish I wish you were here, I could use a cuddle right now. 

Two weeks since you were born my little angel. Two weeks since my life changed forever. I love you with all my heart and soul. 

Today I wake up after sleeping in my own bed feeling a little more refreshed. I work out I’ve only slept in my own bed 3 nights out of the last 15. Although I still feel the excruciating pain of our loss I can sleep a little better now.

We spend the day talking and looking through photos of Hamish. We download all the professional photos and just look at each one closely. I love looking at his tiny feet with long toes like his Daddy. His cute nose and lips and all the hair he has. His faint blond eyebrows that you can only really see when the light hits his face. His gorgeous hands and fingernails that I am in awe of. What could have been? What kind of life would you have lived?

Even though you have gone you have brought so much joy and light into our lives. How I wish I could tell you I love you and for you to look back at me. How I wish I could cover you with kisses and make you smile. How I wish there was anything I could do to bring you back. 

I get a Facebook message from another angel mum in the afternoon. It’s a friend of a friend and she has experienced what we are going through only a few months earlier. It gives me so much comfort to have support of someone else that is going through this. We chat through messages and she is so lovely. We share photos of our little ones and stories of what we have both been going through. Even though I didn’t want to make friends like this I know this angel mum will be a comforting friend to me. I feel blessed to have this support from someone so caring and loving.

Our time away has come to an end. I wake up from a restless night of sleep. I make our breakfast and then start packing our bags. It’s hard to believe the last week has passed so quickly. I feel sad to be leaving Byron but also happy to go home to our normal lives, our comfy bed, friends and family. Life probably will never be normal again. I need to find my new normal which is working through the loss of our son, getting up each day to a silent apartment. Going through life with my loving husband but without our precious little boy. The flight home has a bit of turbulence and since Greg is a nervous flyer we hold hands for most of the flight. I try and calm him down knowing we will be touching down in Sydney before we know it.

We walk into our brand new apartment. This marks around 8 weeks since we moved in to our first family home. I walk into Hamish’s room and pick up the swaddle he was last in before we lay him to rest and smell it. I feel that this is the last thing I have to remind me of him. That he was a person, he was real, it was just his time on earth was fleeting. I also have a heart locket my sisters gave me which has a small piece of his hair in it. At one of our scans weeks earlier we could see all of Hamish’s hair spiking up. It was crazy how much hair you could see through the ultrasound. My OB joked that he might be a red head due to his half Scottish heritage. I yelped out ‘No way! There is no red heads in our family!’ haha. His hair was a shade of dark blond not a red hair in sight!

I decide to go out to dinner with my girls tonight. We go to my favourite Japanese where I can eat all the sashimi in the world! It is lovely to catch up and talk about my last week. I love that I can share with my friends all about Hamish and how I am feeling. Talking about him and what we are going through really helps. As does this blog, each day that I write I feel a little more at ease after. I want to keep sharing our story and I hope this can help others one day that might be experiencing the same thing.

Hamish you inspire me to be better each day, to be more caring, compassionate and generous. I love you. 

We wake up around 6am and decide to take a walk up to the lighthouse. We drive up the road and go through the bush track up the mountain. It’s about a 2km trek but mostly uphill which is quite challenging for me. We take our time and reach the lighthouse and summit about 40 mins later. It’s a breathtaking view from the most easterly point in Australia.

We stop for a coffee and a chai at the café next to the lighthouse. While sipping on my chai I get a phone call. I decide to answer. It is our builder Nick from our apartment back home asking if he can go in and fix something. I say yes sure, as he has our spare key. I let him know we are away on a break. He asks in an excited tone ‘Oh, have you had the baby?’ I then respond ‘Yes… silence… I then break down and tell him although we have had him he has now passed.’ He is lost for words then says ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’. I am lost for words. As the tears fall down my cheeks we decide to make the trek back down the mountain. I just want to go back to our room. I think about how many more conversations like this I will need to have. I think about meeting people and them asking if I have any kids. I will always be a proud mum to Hamish and I don’t want to pretend like I am not a mum.

The rest of the day we just take things easy and chill out at the resort. It’s our last night away and while I kind of dread coming home I know we need to come back to reality. We decide to get dressed up and have a nice dinner before we leave. We go to a small Japanese restaurant and then another one down the road after for dessert. There is a talented musician Adam Harpaz playing his guitar and singing outside the second restaurant. His voice is beautiful and soothing (see video below). We are the only people in the restaurant, listening along as we try to make sense of where we are at. We then head back to the resort and have a cocktail. I look up at the sky which is lit up with lightning strikes as a storm rolls in. I look at Greg and see the beauty in this moment. We were sitting in this exact spot five years earlier on our first holiday as a couple. How life has changed in those years. We reminisce about how much has happened, the ups and downs, travels around Australia, Europe, Asia, U.K. and America. We have achieve a lot together and supported each other so much. We got married, bought our first home and had our first son.

Every time I am outside in nature I will know you are right beside me Hamish. I will find comfort in the salty ocean water, each grain of sand, each tree, each cloud and each star up in the night sky.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nc2N8uW-us0

I wake up feeling sore and tired. I have done a lot of walking the last few days and I think my body is calling out for me to rest. We spend the morning resting in our room and just have some chill out time. Greg is feeling chuffed as last night we stopped in at Woolworths and he bumped into one of his sporting idols Pat Rafter, I was too embarrassed to go have a chat but not Greg. He walks straight up has a good chat and even gets a selfie!

We go into town and visit the local farmers market. We chat to a few locals and pick up some fresh pumpkin gnocchi, cherry tomatoes, garlic, rocket, strawberries and some fresh juice. I decide I want to sit in the shade to drink our juice as it feels around 30 degrees. As we sit down I realize we are near where all the mums and bubs are. I look over not in a jealous way but more like a longing way. I miss Hamish and I wish I could hold him in my arms just one more time. His little body is now just a bunch of ashes. It’s hard to come to terms with this. It’s hard to believe my healthy little boy is gone.

We then decide to head to a road stop café for brunch. After brunch we head back to the wellness centre for more healing sessions. Greg is booked in for Qigong and Acupuncture and I’m in the room next door for a Kinesiology session. As the needles go into Greg I can hear him yelp and squirm. I chuckle a little as I know the acupuncture needles are more like a tiny pin prick but it’s his first time. The Kinesiology session is amazing I feel like I am releasing a lot of hurt and negative beliefs I have held onto from my own birth and childhood. I also work on healing my hurt from Hamish’s birth. It was the toughest 14 hours of my life birthing Hamish. Although a general anaesthetic and C-section may have been my first preference going through the natural labour helped me come to terms with what lay ahead.

After the sessions we head back to our room for another rest. I am listening to my body and trying to take it easy. We spend the afternoon reading and writing and have a nap. As the sun goes down I decide to start cooking up our fresh produce from the markets. Parts of our day like this bring me joy. I feel blessed to be here in this beautiful beach town with my loving husband. We have our health, we have our future together and so much love.

I will forever miss you Hamish. Your Dad wishes he could be watching the footy with you tonight. We both love you so much.