Day 15

I wake up feeling tired. I want to go back to sleep. Greg is going into his office today. He is also struggling to get up. I go and make us breakfast and help him get ready for work. I know facing his office for the first time is going to be hard but also good to bring some normality back into his life. Everyone in the office is so caring, some of them shed tears, and take the time to chat and see how he is going.

I head out for a walk and lunch by the beach with one of my girls. We chat about Hamish and how much he has impacted our lives in such a short time. How much all my loved ones were so excited for his arrival. How much my friends and family are hurting not just for our loss but the loss of their little Hamish too. She comforts me as I talk about how all I wanted was to be a good mum. How I wish I could have saved him. How I wish I knew before he left us that there was something not quite right. How I wish my little angel didn’t have to leave us so soon.

I have a toothache that has been ongoing pretty much for the last 2 weeks. I have booked an appointment for this afternoon. The first thing the dentist says to me is ‘How is bubba going?’ I look at him and just put my head down. I say ‘He was born 2 weeks ago but unfortunately passed away due to the cord being wrapped around him. He was stillborn.’ He looks at me with sadness and says ‘I’m so sorry’ ‘Does this happen often? How does it happen?’ I just reply saying ‘It is one of those things, they don’t know why it happens, it is like a freak accident.’ The rest of the appointment is awkward and then he tells me my back molar has chipped and it has to be removed. I previously had root canal on it but it can’t be saved. I sit back as he puts all the anaesthetic in the world into my mouth and rips it out. Greg meets me at the dentist and drives me home. I need him so much right now and I am so grateful for his love.

Hamish I wish you were here, I could use a cuddle right now. 

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful life coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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