We wake up around 6am and decide to take a walk up to the lighthouse. We drive up the road and go through the bush track up the mountain. It’s about a 2km trek but mostly uphill which is quite challenging for me. We take our time and reach the lighthouse and summit about 40 mins later. It’s a breathtaking view from the most easterly point in Australia.
We stop for a coffee and a chai at the café next to the lighthouse. While sipping on my chai I get a phone call. I decide to answer. It is our builder Nick from our apartment back home asking if he can go in and fix something. I say yes sure, as he has our spare key. I let him know we are away on a break. He asks in an excited tone ‘Oh, have you had the baby?’ I then respond ‘Yes… silence… I then break down and tell him although we have had him he has now passed.’ He is lost for words then says ‘I’m so sorry for your loss’. I am lost for words. As the tears fall down my cheeks we decide to make the trek back down the mountain. I just want to go back to our room. I think about how many more conversations like this I will need to have. I think about meeting people and them asking if I have any kids. I will always be a proud mum to Hamish and I don’t want to pretend like I am not a mum.
The rest of the day we just take things easy and chill out at the resort. It’s our last night away and while I kind of dread coming home I know we need to come back to reality. We decide to get dressed up and have a nice dinner before we leave. We go to a small Japanese restaurant and then another one down the road after for dessert. There is a talented musician Adam Harpaz playing his guitar and singing outside the second restaurant. His voice is beautiful and soothing (see video below). We are the only people in the restaurant, listening along as we try to make sense of where we are at. We then head back to the resort and have a cocktail. I look up at the sky which is lit up with lightning strikes as a storm rolls in. I look at Greg and see the beauty in this moment. We were sitting in this exact spot five years earlier on our first holiday as a couple. How life has changed in those years. We reminisce about how much has happened, the ups and downs, travels around Australia, Europe, Asia, U.K. and America. We have achieve a lot together and supported each other so much. We got married, bought our first home and had our first son.
Every time I am outside in nature I will know you are right beside me Hamish. I will find comfort in the salty ocean water, each grain of sand, each tree, each cloud and each star up in the night sky.
I Am Still Born 