Our time away has come to an end. I wake up from a restless night of sleep. I make our breakfast and then start packing our bags. It’s hard to believe the last week has passed so quickly. I feel sad to be leaving Byron but also happy to go home to our normal lives, our comfy bed, friends and family. Life probably will never be normal again. I need to find my new normal which is working through the loss of our son, getting up each day to a silent apartment. Going through life with my loving husband but without our precious little boy. The flight home has a bit of turbulence and since Greg is a nervous flyer we hold hands for most of the flight. I try and calm him down knowing we will be touching down in Sydney before we know it.
We walk into our brand new apartment. This marks around 8 weeks since we moved in to our first family home. I walk into Hamish’s room and pick up the swaddle he was last in before we lay him to rest and smell it. I feel that this is the last thing I have to remind me of him. That he was a person, he was real, it was just his time on earth was fleeting. I also have a heart locket my sisters gave me which has a small piece of his hair in it. At one of our scans weeks earlier we could see all of Hamish’s hair spiking up. It was crazy how much hair you could see through the ultrasound. My OB joked that he might be a red head due to his half Scottish heritage. I yelped out ‘No way! There is no red heads in our family!’ haha. His hair was a shade of dark blond not a red hair in sight!
I decide to go out to dinner with my girls tonight. We go to my favourite Japanese where I can eat all the sashimi in the world! It is lovely to catch up and talk about my last week. I love that I can share with my friends all about Hamish and how I am feeling. Talking about him and what we are going through really helps. As does this blog, each day that I write I feel a little more at ease after. I want to keep sharing our story and I hope this can help others one day that might be experiencing the same thing.
Hamish you inspire me to be better each day, to be more caring, compassionate and generous. I love you.
I Am Still Born 