It’s 11:11am and I’m still in bed. I can’t bring myself to get up today. My body is tired and I just don’t feel like doing anything. I have a cry reminiscing about what could have been. I think about how different I thought this time in my life would be. I had such an aspirational vision of what motherhood would entail. I dreamt about walking my colourful bugaboo in to my favourite coffee shop and introducing my little boy. Showering Hamish with so much love each day. Taking him on many an adventure.
Instead Greg goes to the gym and stops to get his coffee and my chai on his way home. He lets the guys who run our favourite coffee shop know about our loss. They are very sorry and share stories of how it has impacted one of their families. At least I know I can now walk into the coffee shop without getting asked where is bubba!? Each day we tell someone it makes it more of a reality. Saying those words out loud hurt so much.
My son has passed on. He didn’t make it. My little baby Hamish died.
He didn’t get past 9 months but he will forever live in my heart. It breaks me to say those words. It breaks me to write them. I wish I could do anything, anything to change how the last few weeks of how my life has unravelled. I have never felt so angry, sad and so much grief. I have had tough times in the past to deal with but nothing compares to this. I always thought losing a child before your own life would be the worst kind of pain. It sure is.
I spend the rest of the day in bed. It’s just one of those days. My body is also crying out for rest. I think I may have been pushing myself in the last week. To just keep moving forward. To keep moving my body each day and get out for long walks. Today I have also joined an online community for angel parents on Facebook. It’s called Bears of Hope support group. They are an amazing organisation that help parents get though their loss. It is comforting to read other people’s stories and see photos of their beautiful babies.
Hamish I hope wherever you are you have lots of angel friends around you. I know I am blessed to have all the support from the friends I have in my life.
I Am Still Born 