I Am Still Born

Happy 2 months my cutie pie. I can imagine how gorgeous you would look right now if you were still here. Your Dad and I are heading to the beaches for our friends wedding tomorrow. The one you were supposed to wear your Pride of Scotland Kilt too. At least my last memory of you is wearing that Kilt. I am a proud mother and I will walk with pride knowing how much you have changed not only our lives but many others. For you Hamish I promise not to live life half heartedly. I promise to make the most of each day. I promise to wake up feeling love and sharing love.

You my dear in 8 short weeks have turned my world upside down. While I knew becoming a Mum wasn’t going to be the easiest thing I knew I was ready for it. Now I’m a Mum to an angel. I am Mum to a special little boy who was too precious for this earth. One who could get his souls work done in just 9 months. I’m so proud of you son. You will continue to touch so many people’s lives and I promise to keep sharing you with the world.

Hamish keep guiding me in the right direction. Keep allowing me to open up and be vulnerable. Keep shining your light from above.

I woke up feeling grateful. I know I don’t have much to complain about. I am missing Hamish like crazy but I do have my health and so much love around me. The hardest part about this whole situation is that I can’t just fix it. Put a band aid over it and hope it will heal. It is much more complex. I am used to being able to come up with solutions and problem solve in my day job. I am used to being able to make things better. I know it will get easier with time. The missing part of my heart though will never heal, I will however learn to live with the emptiness. I will work around it and find a new way. I will create new memories in this life. I will laugh more than cry in the future.

I realised this week how many negative beliefs I had around seeing a psychologist. I also thought I would be wasting their time by going to see one as surely there are other people who need their help more than me. Then the that thought around being weak came in to my head. I not allowed to be weak. I always have to be strong. I also feel like there is so much stigma around managing our mental health. I decided this week to go ‘see’ someone. It was pretty scary but the best thing was I walked out of there feeling so much lighter than I did when I walked in. I felt heard. I felt like I could speak my mind with no judgement. I felt safe and like I was where I was supposed to be.

Thanks Hamish for getting your mum some help. I know she likes to be independant and strong but sometimes even the strongest of person needs help.

Today I finished reading a book called Layla’s Story. It is a true story of love and baby loss. One of the things I have found great comfort in over the passing weeks is to read others stories of baby and pregnancy loss. Each story helps me feel less alone as I navigate these treacherous unknown waters. It has also been helping me understand how to allow my grief to flow. That it’s ok to feel a myriad of emotions each day. It is ok to cry all the tears.  It is ok to just be with whatever comes up.

I also went and got my hair dyed and blow dried for the first time in a long time. I almost didn’t recognise my new 2.0 self as I walked out of the salon. It is amazing what a little pampering can do for the soul. Just putting on my active wear and getting out of the house has felt like an achievement some days so getting my hair done felt so good.

I feel super grateful for the space I have right now. I realise that my creativity flows when I have more space. Writing has always been a passion of mine and being able to write each day fills me up. I am going to make sure I continue to leave space. I am very good at overcommitting and filling up my calendar. I am making a promise to myself to continue taking things slowly and ensure there is enough white space in my week to fill myself up. Whether that’s through meditation, writing or just being still.

Hamish you have shown me how much magic there is in stillness and white space.

I wake up each day feeling like it is unfamiliar territory. I think of the missed breastfeeds. All the baths I would have given you. The nappy changes, the smiles and cuddles. I check my calendar and look at things I already had booked in for us to do. I was planning on taking you to my work next week and celebrating my birthday with you. Although you are still here in spirit I can’t help but think of these things.

My life is forever changed. It’s like sliding doors. I feel like an imposter. I have slipped into a vortex of another’s life, surely this isn’t mine. A life that is very different to the one I was living previously.

I am still turning to gratitude each day and it is helping me get through. The lessons I have learnt from you Hamish are the hardest I have ever learned. There is nothing that prepares you for this. One thing I do know for certain now is that life is fragile. Life on earth is impermanent. We have a finite amount of time with an infinite amount of possibilities. If not now then when. Tomorrow is never promised. I know that my boy has reached so many with this message. I can feel the changes in others around me. He has made a lot of people question their path, be more grateful for their present and live a more meaningful life. Hamish has broken his parents hearts in two, all the while showing them how much love surrounds them. He has brought us a new reality. A new start and many new possibilities.

Hamish thank you for showing us how to be more grateful, caring and present.

I went to meet one of my soul sisters for lunch and had a restful afternoon. I’ve been trying to kick this cold I’ve had for the last week. I thought it was gone but today I felt so tired. I do feel so blessed that I can take each day slowly to get over this cold. I feel so blessed that I have this time to grieve and heal. I still can’t believe it’s now been 7 weeks since Hamish left. I know each week that goes by things will get easier. One thing I know for sure though is I will never stop thinking of him. He will always be on my mind. Whether that is the first thought of my morning or the last thought as I rest my head on the pillow at night and lots in between.

Losing a child is an excruciating pain. The love you have for them is completely unconditional. I was talking to my soul sister today about this. Mothers are so protective and loving of their children. A mothers love is like no other. I feel this love. I feel the need to protect Hamish. To comfort him. To cater to his every need. My motherly instincts are still there. It makes my heart break knowing I can’t show him how much I love him. I know I can still try and let his soul and spirit know. I hope he can hear me. I hope he knows how much his mumma loves him in this lifetime and every other.

Hamish I will always love you unconditionally.

Hello my love. I am going to light the candle on your urn and spend sometime with you this afternoon. I know each day since you have left earth our relationship has continued to grow. I know you are with me. Sometimes I feel your presence strongly, like you are surrounding me. Sometimes I’m with your Dad and I can feel you with us. I can feel your love. I can feel the joy you have when you see us smile.

I know those times when I get really sad you are there. While your time was up so early. I know there is a part of you that wanted to stay. I know there is a part of you that knew how amazing your life would be with us. How we would try and be the best parents we could. We would have allowed you to be yourself.

Our one wish would be that you felt truly loved. That you knew no matter what happened in your life you could rely on us. You would wake up with two parents that made the best of each day. That reminded you of how grateful you should be. That made you realise there is more to do in the world and more to give. That although we have everything we need, there are many that don’t. That we should always be kind, loving and generous. That there are no guarantees in life and we need to make the most of each moment. I know we can still reach you and you can learn through us as we do through you. I’m thankful to have an amazing son that has touched the world with his presence.

Our first big event. A friends farewell that you should have been at. I should have been introducing my gorgeous 7 week old son to everyone. Instead I am standing there with a glass of rosè in my hand. Looking around at everyone and I feel so alone. It’s hard to try and be normal when you feel like your living a life that isn’t yours. It wasn’t supposed to be like this Hamish. I’m trying my best to get used to this new normal. I’m trying my best to make the most of each day.

We leave the party early and come home. I collapse in a heap on the bed and cry for my son. I just want my baby. There is nothing more in the world than that. I just want him in my arms. I cry myself to sleep. Greg arms are around me as he try’s to comfort me. I don’t want to be an angel Mum anymore. I hate it. I just want my son back. Just over 7 weeks ago his heart was beating strong. Today it is silent. Today he is ashes. Today he is gone.

I miss you buddy. 

I started the day at my yoga and Pilates studio with my lovely teacher who is giving me some one on one classes to get my muscles back working. Today we did a Pilates barre class. It was tough but exactly what I needed. I realized how long it’s been since I’ve really sweat from a workout and it feels amazing. I had to take it easy for 6 weeks after the birth. Now I am ready to get moving more.

Since Hamish left I have been looking after myself the best way I know how. I have been resting when I need to. Using my essential oils daily, meditating, writing, walking in nature and swimming at the beach. The sadness has made me want to take care of myself even more. I have tuned into my intuition and really nurtured myself. This is what is helping me get through each day.

Hamish, thank you for making sure your mumma looks after herself.

We drive down the lavender sprinkled streets with the jacaranda trees in full bloom. I turn and look at Greg and take a deep breath while he is driving us to our support group. It’s our second one and I don’t know what to expect. I know I feel much more peace than I did a month ago. I still feel apprehensive about entering the room. Mainly because last time I took on so many other people’s pain. I walked out of that room with my heart broken into a million pieces.

Before I walk in I tie an imaginary bow around my heart. Just to ensure it can stay in one piece and be protected when I enter the room. This time it’s a much smaller group. About half of last time. We have all met before so there are no new stories. Today is much calmer and it gives me peace knowing these beautiful souls understand my pain. I speak openly knowing they listen intently wrapping me in so much love.

Most of the group meets for lunch afterwards. We are bonded by our little angels. Although we may all be different we have so much in common. I know our little ones were watching over us while we had lunch yesterday. They watched us laugh and play and just enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes when you go through this your afraid to laugh and have fun. I’m so glad I could find these other amazing people to walk beside Greg and I earthside while we navigate what life means for us now.

Thank you Hamish for bringing us some new special friends. I know you and your new angel friends are all up there having fun together. Please know that your mumma is learning to have more fun now too.

Welcome home Hamish. I am so proud to have you here, exactly where your supposed to be. I hope you like your new home and feel comfortable here. I hope that you feel the love that surrounds you everyday. I love you my son and I want you to know your Dad and I will always protect you. We will always honour you in everything we do. We will always speak your name. Look at the photos of you on the wall and just gush over how much we love you.

Watching the celebration of your life on video today was soothing. I know your soul was there in that room. You gave us strength that day to stand up and speak. You gave us the opportunity to say goodbye with our loved ones there. Thank you my beautiful baby boy. You will forever be my guiding light. I promise to check in with you when I have uncertainty. I promise to follow my intuition and to listen always instead of doing what others think I should do. I promise to make sure your future brother and sister get to know you well. Love you always. Mum xxx