Day 54

Our first big event. A friends farewell that you should have been at. I should have been introducing my gorgeous 7 week old son to everyone. Instead I am standing there with a glass of rosè in my hand. Looking around at everyone and I feel so alone. It’s hard to try and be normal when you feel like your living a life that isn’t yours. It wasn’t supposed to be like this Hamish. I’m trying my best to get used to this new normal. I’m trying my best to make the most of each day.

We leave the party early and come home. I collapse in a heap on the bed and cry for my son. I just want my baby. There is nothing more in the world than that. I just want him in my arms. I cry myself to sleep. Greg arms are around me as he try’s to comfort me. I don’t want to be an angel Mum anymore. I hate it. I just want my son back. Just over 7 weeks ago his heart was beating strong. Today it is silent. Today he is ashes. Today he is gone.

I miss you buddy. 

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful life coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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