I Am Still Born

Life on earth is a funny thing. We can’t go back a rewind or fast forward. We have to be here now in the present. Whatever that present is. We can look back on our past and be grateful for our journey. We can also visualize what our future will look like. We have to live in the now. The now is all that is real.

I am finding it hard sometimes to be present. I think back to how life ‘should have been’ but then I think well maybe this is part of my present. Maybe I just need to accept this is what it looks like. There is more joy in my days now. I feel stronger. I feel like I can laugh again. I feel like my body and mind are starting to function somewhat normally again.

I do feel like I have been rebirthed. I am no longer the same Jodie. I have new dreams. New ideas. New intentions for where I put my energy. I don’t want to waste this opportunity. I want to make Hamish proud each day. I don’t want to let this chance at starting again go to waste. I don’t want to be too hard on myself either. All I can do is listen. Listen to my heart and intuition. Listen to Hamish and know he will guide me. Know that he walks through life beside me each day.

Hamish can you please keep helping me tune in and listen. I want to make the most of my new perspective. I want to live a more fulfilled life. I want to be present.

 

Today I felt my little niece or nephew move around my sisters belly. I know it won’t be long before they are born. Days maybe or a few weeks away. It is exciting there is a new bub who will be soon joining our family. It’s just hard that they don’t get to meet their cousin born just three months earlier. I know they would have been the best of friends growing up. I know that this little bub has a guardian angel for life. All I want in the world is for my sis is for her to have a stress free labour. I am looking forward to meeting this little one.

I know Christmas won’t be the same with the two of them not here. I do know that we will try our best to make the most of it. I have decided to donate money to both the stillbirth foundation and Still Aware in Hamish’s name this Christmas. I know his legacy will carry on, through this blog, through Greg and I, through my family and friends. His presence will be felt for many lifetimes. He is one special bub.

Hamish I hope you know how loved you are. That is my one wish this Christmas to know that you are happy in the spirit world. 

 

Dear Parents,

I know you are hurting
I see your hidden pain
Behind that half smile
The truth remains
I know your heart is broken
I know your feeling down

Life will get better
Be sure to stick around
While life hasn’t worked out to plan
There is no way to know what the future holds

For now, hold on tight
For the future will be bright
You will feel joy again
You will dance in glee
Days like this will pass
Your heart won’t always feel like a shattered piece of glass

Your child will always be there
Taking a special place in your heart
You will see the light again
There will be rainbows

Let the light in
Soak it up
For this life is precious
Only you know how true that is

 

A poem I wrote for all the parents that have lost a child young or old. 

 

It’s just over two and a half months since you left me and you’re mummy Hamish. Truth be told I have really felt like shit these last 5 or 6 weeks. I have felt like ending it all, not being present, not caring about anything other than your mum and you!

Nothing really matters to me now work, friends, family, being social I could not care less about pleasing people or saying the correct things I have become so angry. I get pissed off if nobody mentions you or brushes it off under the carpet and says something that is just irrelevant to how I feel.

The last two weekends your mummy has been out socialising which has been great to see your mum enjoy herself . Your mum just celebrated her birthday with a meal and friends at our favourite restaurant near our new family home. I don’t feel like socialising. I always have a good time with our friends but for now I really do not care for it. This might seem like a rant. I just want you in my arms Hamish, I want to say I love you to your face, kiss you every day and say you mean the world to me.

I struggle with everything, I feel like people have forgotten. I feel like this was my one opportunity to be a father and I can’t sleep sometimes. I struggle with social events now everywhere I turn I see little ones. I just want my little boy to be in his pram or holding my handing smiling at me.  I don’t want to go back to the old life of socialising having a drink or being on social media I just want my little one back to play with and think how amazing you are.

I think of you all the time my handsome beautiful little boy. When I saw you for the first time I was so happy I did not care that you were not alive. My Hamish was in my arms I remember touching your hands how soft they were. I think of that daily as a reminder I got to hold you.

Its hard right now buddy to think of you last night I could not sleep I was just pissed off at everything and everyone.  I hate to be angry I just want to be the Greg who smiles and makes jokes to make people laugh.

I looked at photos of you all night it’s sad but happy to see you my perfect son.

Hamish I know you will help me for the rest of my life to be positive and support your mum. It’s hard on the both of us as your Mummy is the only one who gets it, she feels my pain. Please keep me positive and let me be able to enjoy life again in some way.

I feel like as time slips away I get further from Hamish. It’s like the days he was alive become further away. I know I have to accept this and trust that the future will be brighter. I have to surrender and trust the universe has my back. Today I am going to a mystery dinner party called Diner en Blanc with 5000 others. I felt like I could handle this event as I can go with my friends and be completely anonymous. No one knows I have lost my little boy just over ten weeks ago. No one knows my pain or can see it through my perfectly curled hair and makeup.

I tell the girl sitting next to me I am on a break from work. She then goes ‘oh so are you on maternity leave’ I reply ‘yes’ with a half smile. Well, that is the end of that conversation. I just end it there so that no other questions are asked. I’m not afraid of telling people. I guess sometimes it’s nice to pretend I am not living this nightmare. To pretend my gorgeous two month old son is at home with his Dad while I go out for a girls night. Oh how I wish this was my reality. Although I don’t think I would have the energy to go out with the sleepless nights of having a newborn. While I am grateful for the time I had with Hamish. I am also pretty shitty that our time was cut short. I’m pissed off that I never get to see my son laugh, cry, say mumma, walk, run, eat, breath, swim, play, go to school, fall in love, get married, live, I never get to see him live. That breaks my heart each day.

I know your ok where you are Hamish but it hurts me so much not to have you here.

Dear Hamish,

It’s two and a half months since you soul left the earth. I miss you dearly. Each day that goes by I think of you. Please know each day that goes by I will always have you in my mind. I will start to smile more again. I will start to have more fun and laugh more. Please know that there isn’t a moment that you mumma doesn’t think of you. The love I have for you will take a piece of my heart for the rest of my life here on earth.

I have thought more about where your soul is. What your doing up there. I know you are watching over your Dad and I. I know you love us. I can feel that. Each day I was pregnant I felt your love. I knew we would always have a special bond. We waited so long for you to decide it was the right time. We longed for you before we conceived. When we found out you were here we were the most excited parents. At that five week scan seeing your heart beat strong on the screen was such a blessing. I almost couldn’t believe it. It was one of those moments in my life where I pinched myself. Geez I am so blessed. I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I know you felt that love. The day we found it our little BOY was coming at ten weeks. We felt so grateful our little Hamish was on his way. We named you before we conceived. I always knew I was going to have a boy. I had a vision a couple of years earlier of two boys running around on the grass in our new home. Your Dad spoke of his little Hamish so much. He couldn’t wait to play with you. Teach you how to swim and play football.

I couldn’t wait to hold you and be your Mum. I know I was your Mum for those nine months and I’ll always be your Mum. I’ll do my best Hamish. I will wake up each morning knowing I am strong. Knowing I have got this. This was our journey. This was the way it was supposed to be. I keep hearing the 360 song Tiny Angel in my head. Where did you go? Are you alone? How did you get there? I do wonder this. I know over the days, months and years it will all make sense. One day I’ll look back and see how it all worked out. I know this won’t make me miss you less. I do know that I will be happier because of you. I will live life a little more fuller. I will take more chances. I will dance more. I will always do things l love.

Thank you Hamish you are one special boy.

Your mumma,

Love always and forever.

I am in love. In love with my husband Greg, Hamish, family and friends. I am in love with the grass underneath me as I lay on the lawn in the sunshine. I am in love with the ocean, sand and salty air. I am in love with my comfy soft bed. I am in love with a warm cup of lemongrass tea. I am in love with soulful conversations. I am in love with each day.

I am in love with figuring life out. I’m in love with not knowing what will happen next. I am in love with feeling my emotions. I am in love with getting sweaty from working out. I am in love with chocolate. I am in love with stillness. I am in love with the space inbetween. I am in love with honouring myself. I am in love with my life.

Hamish, thanks for leading me back to love. Some days I shun away from it. I know that deep in my heart all there is around me is love.

Acupuncture is so healing. I started having it when I was suffering from adrenal stress a few years ago. It was one of the things that really helped me heal. Today I went for a session. I felt like my nervous system has been on edge and although I have had time and space to rest I have still been run down. After the session I felt so good. I actually feel asleep during it. Last night was the first solid nights sleep I have had in a while.

I feel like our emotions become our physical being. If we are down or have stress this can play out as an illness. I know the best thing I can do for my body is to honour it. As for my emotions well I know I just need to keep letting them out. Each day, each tear, each pang of pain missing my boy.

Hamish thanks for looking after me and making sure I’m getting exactly what I need each day

 

Today I feel like I have more energy to face the world. Today I feel a little lighter. I am generally inpatient usually but since Hamish was born I am learning to slow down. I am learning that we don’t have to be in a rush to get anywhere. I am doing my best to make the most of each day. I love being able to get out in the sun. Go for a big walk and feel like I am moving the energy around my body.

I don’t want to stand still. I don’t want to stagnate. I do however want to honour my grief. I want to feel all the emotions that come up. Good, bad and ugly. Going with the flow of where my day takes me. I am crying less. I am starting to see more light. The hard part for me now is getting back into social events. Not that I want to shy away from everything but I do want to honour how I am feeling. I am not ready to be celebrating Christmas. I am starting to feel more joy but being in a large group is intimidating.

Hamish I love you and I just want you to know that.

I’m in bed. It’s midday and that is ok. I have realised more in the last few weeks how I start to judge myself for not doing enough. For sleeping in, for not doing enough exercise or eating the right thing. Overall I am getting up and moving my body most days. Some days I don’t feel like doing too much. Some days I need rest and white space. Some days I need to be still. Not see anyone or anything. Some days I want to look within. Some days I want to read or binge watch random youtube videos and insta stories and that is ok.

My self judgement for what I do and do not do is always going to be there. It just depends on how much I want to listen to that little sometimes loud voice. I will continue to try and honour my intuition each day. I will continue to get up each day feeling grateful. I am not grateful Hamish left me but I am grateful to be here. To have clean water to drink. To have a roof over my head and nourishing food. My basic needs are always met which is more than many in this world have.

Thank you Hamish for allowing me to be softer on myself. To be kinder and more understanding.