Day 75

I feel like as time slips away I get further from Hamish. It’s like the days he was alive become further away. I know I have to accept this and trust that the future will be brighter. I have to surrender and trust the universe has my back. Today I am going to a mystery dinner party called Diner en Blanc with 5000 others. I felt like I could handle this event as I can go with my friends and be completely anonymous. No one knows I have lost my little boy just over ten weeks ago. No one knows my pain or can see it through my perfectly curled hair and makeup.

I tell the girl sitting next to me I am on a break from work. She then goes ‘oh so are you on maternity leave’ I reply ‘yes’ with a half smile. Well, that is the end of that conversation. I just end it there so that no other questions are asked. I’m not afraid of telling people. I guess sometimes it’s nice to pretend I am not living this nightmare. To pretend my gorgeous two month old son is at home with his Dad while I go out for a girls night. Oh how I wish this was my reality. Although I don’t think I would have the energy to go out with the sleepless nights of having a newborn. While I am grateful for the time I had with Hamish. I am also pretty shitty that our time was cut short. I’m pissed off that I never get to see my son laugh, cry, say mumma, walk, run, eat, breath, swim, play, go to school, fall in love, get married, live, I never get to see him live. That breaks my heart each day.

I know your ok where you are Hamish but it hurts me so much not to have you here.

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful life coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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