It’s just over two and a half months since you left me and you’re mummy Hamish. Truth be told I have really felt like shit these last 5 or 6 weeks. I have felt like ending it all, not being present, not caring about anything other than your mum and you!
Nothing really matters to me now work, friends, family, being social I could not care less about pleasing people or saying the correct things I have become so angry. I get pissed off if nobody mentions you or brushes it off under the carpet and says something that is just irrelevant to how I feel.
The last two weekends your mummy has been out socialising which has been great to see your mum enjoy herself . Your mum just celebrated her birthday with a meal and friends at our favourite restaurant near our new family home. I don’t feel like socialising. I always have a good time with our friends but for now I really do not care for it. This might seem like a rant. I just want you in my arms Hamish, I want to say I love you to your face, kiss you every day and say you mean the world to me.
I struggle with everything, I feel like people have forgotten. I feel like this was my one opportunity to be a father and I can’t sleep sometimes. I struggle with social events now everywhere I turn I see little ones. I just want my little boy to be in his pram or holding my handing smiling at me. I don’t want to go back to the old life of socialising having a drink or being on social media I just want my little one back to play with and think how amazing you are.
I think of you all the time my handsome beautiful little boy. When I saw you for the first time I was so happy I did not care that you were not alive. My Hamish was in my arms I remember touching your hands how soft they were. I think of that daily as a reminder I got to hold you.
Its hard right now buddy to think of you last night I could not sleep I was just pissed off at everything and everyone. I hate to be angry I just want to be the Greg who smiles and makes jokes to make people laugh.
I looked at photos of you all night it’s sad but happy to see you my perfect son.
Hamish I know you will help me for the rest of my life to be positive and support your mum. It’s hard on the both of us as your Mummy is the only one who gets it, she feels my pain. Please keep me positive and let me be able to enjoy life again in some way.