I Am Still Born

Today I woke up with a small hangover. A few red wines after dinner. Probably the first time I have felt like this in a while. I had some interesting conversations last night with two of my soul sisters. One of them told me she felt very sad on the day of my baby shower. She woke up feeling sad and couldn’t shake it off. She also kept trying to feel some kicks from Hamish that day. He wasn’t kicking much that day which in hindsight could have been a sign. He still kicked every so often but what I know now is babies have sleep cycles of ninety minutes. So you should feel at least ten movements every two hours at least.

I do believe my bestie felt this sadness as she may of had a hunch about Hamish’s fate. What is even weirder is my closest angel mum friend (who I only met after Hamish) was at the table next to us at the restaurant where we had my baby shower. She was there for a friends 30th. We have a mutual friend who spoke with her at my baby shower. My friend thought this must of been why she had felt sad. As she was going to see someone who had only recently lost her little girl less than two months earlier. They didn’t mention it to me as they didn’t want to scare me or make me feel sad at my baby shower.

I have another soul sister who never even touched my belly. She said she never felt right about my pregnancy. It is weird looking back now and thinking about whether Hamish was always going to leave too soon. It doesn’t make me feel any better or give me more peace. I do however trust that the path he was on couldn’t be changed. I had every baby book under the sun thanks to my lovely sister in law. I read loads of blogs about pregnancy. I was in touch with Hamish each day as he grew bigger. I was having weekly checkups after 36 weeks. I would write in my journal each morning and I felt so connected to him. I wasn’t too busy to not notice any changes. I did however as a first time mum feel like it would be silly if I turned up at hospital for a false alarm. I didn’t want to feel like a worrier when every appointment the doctor said he was fine. I would say to all mums now first or second time don’t worry what other people think. If you feel sick, or something isn’t right or the movements have increased or decreased go get checked out.

Hamish I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon.  

Christmas. I always love this time of year. Slowing down the pace of life. Spending more time with my family and friends. Getting out in the sunshine. Going for lots of ocean swims. Last year I even learned to surf. This is also the time of year that we conceived our little boy. I don’t want this time of year to be miserable for us. It is just hard as it is the first Christmas without our little boy. I walked passed Santa in the shops the other day and I just thought of how it would be to line up and get my family Santa photo for the first time. Then I thought screw it I might go into the shops one day when it’s quiet and get a Santa photo with me holding a photo of Hamish. I know it might sound weird but I just feel so crappy that he doesn’t get to have a Santa photo.

I haven’t decided if I will go through with it and get the photo. I feel like I am missing out on the life I thought I was going to have. Missing out on seeing Hamish grow up. See him crawl then walk, talk and cry, scream and shout. Feel his cuddles and see him smile. I know he is smiling down on me now though. I know he would be proud of his mum and everything she is doing. I trust that he is happy. I trust that his Christmas in another place will be peaceful. I trust that our family of three will one day be a family of four maybe even five or six! I guess I have to leave it up to the universe to decide. All I want from Santa is to know my little angel is happy wherever he is right now.

Love you Hamish.

This book has become my priority now other than working through my grief. I want to finish it by the end of January. It is a collaboration between myself and some pretty amazing angel mums. There was a nudge on my shoulder a few weeks after Hamish’s birth to write this book. It is not a ‘How to Guide’ but more of a this is how I handled losing my son and how I am dealing with my grief. It’s a book saying I see you, I feel you, I hear you and you are not alone on this journey. I want all angel mums going through this to not feel alone. As when you are in that hospital maternity unit and you are the only one with the dead baby you feel pretty alone. You are scared shitless of leaving that hospital room to only bump into a happy new mother. You feel so empty and hearing the cries of the healthy babies in the other rooms only further cracks your heart in two.

I decided I wanted to create this free resource that can be shared with mothers that have either lost their baby before birth or after. There are amazing social workers, midwives and doulas out there that do an amazing job holding space for mothers during this time. I would love for this book to add comfort and help ease the pain slightly. I have 6 mothers on board so far and I am looking for a few more. If you are reading this and you have lost your baby and keen to be a part of it please reach out. I will leave my email at the end of this blog post. Even if you don’t want to be a part of this book and you want to reach out anyway send me an email. I am just following my heart each day and I want to help others going through this pain.

Thank you Hamish for helping me put this together. I know it is not the book I was planning to write a few months ago. I know now how important this will be in the future for other mums going through this. 

My email is jodieleannematthews@outlook.com please reach out if you feel called.

 

Forgiveness is a choice. It is something I am working on right now. I need to forgive myself for what has happened. I know it isn’t my fault or anyone else’s for that matter but losing Hamish came with a lot of blame. I felt like my body failed me. I felt like everyone failed me. I wish that I could have done something to save him. I wish at the last ultrasound we could have seen that the cord was wrapped around him. I wish there was something or someone that could have done something. I am learning that forgiveness is what will set me free.

I grew up going to church and believing in God. In my later teen years I turned my back on this. My thoughts on this now is that there is a God of some sort. I believe God is everywhere. God is in all of us. It is a universal force and not necessarily one person. I do know that I forgive God for what has happened to Hamish. I forgive mother nature for taking my precious son away. I forgive the lady that did my last ultrasound at 36 weeks and didn’t pick anything up. I forgive myself. Forgiveness is letting go. It is allowing myself to feel free from blame. The feeling will still come up from time to time but I am trying my best to forgive.

 

Thank you Hamish for allowing me to forgive. 

Today I felt so fired up. Like I just needed to start writing my book. I had this nudge ever since Hamish came along to create something for mother’s going through this. An ebook they can read while in hospital. A book that lets them know they are not alone. That their fears are heard and felt. That their pain is shared and they have many other sisters on this journey. The day I found out Hamish had no heartbeat was the loneliest day. I have never felt so alone in the world. Not because I didn’t have the support of my loving husband and family but because in that maternity ward I’m guessing I was the only one delivering a dead baby that day. I was the only one crying and screaming out in despair not only for the pain of labour but for the life of my child that was swiftly taken away.

I know I want to write something beautiful to help other mothers get through this. I want this to be a collective of stories. I have started reaching out to women I know have been through stillbirth and baby loss. This book once completed in a couple of months will be shared as a special gift. I will share it with midwives, social workers and also other organisations that are in contact with women going through this. It will be available to download on my blog also for anyone that needs it.

This book has found me and I have started to put the words down. I am listening to my intuition each day and I know I have this gift of time is for a reason. I will birth this into the world. We all have creative gifts waiting to be birthed into the world.

Precious boy I think of you each day. I know you will continue to serve through me. I know what is birthed through me is a direct result of your gifts to the world. Thank you Hamish.

 

The rain is streaming down the glass as I stare out to the grey sky. Today I feel like the weather. I feel a little grey and down. I feel like staying indoors and resting. I light up the candle on Hamish’s urn and think about him. I think about what I want to do with the next year of my life. I think about travelling, running workshops around the country. Do I want to rough it and go camping or should we airbnb it around the country? Should we go for a month or a whole year? I wonder what would happen if we just took off into the sunset for a year?

Greg returns home from work in the evening and we discuss what we want to do. We are both very practical and want to ensure we don’t end up in a difficult situation if we go travelling. We both know something needs to change. We want to live our lives a bit differently now. We want to do things that light us up each day. I don’t know if I want to go travelling for a year. I know we could make it happen if we wanted to. I mean what’s the worse that can happen, we come back home with a little less in our bank account and have to go get another ‘job’. I guess I am looking at the opportunity cost and weighing it up. If we stay in our ‘normal Sydney life’ what does that look like? Will we get depressed and just live life half heartedly. I will miss everyone and I know how much love and support we have here. Would it be silly to leave that behind? I know we wouldn’t be leaving it behind forever. I know we could still keep in touch with everyone.

It is silly that it takes us to lose our son to revaluate our lives. I guess there is no right thing to do right now. The dust has settled. It is coming up to the three month mark. I know we will never stop missing Hamish. I feel like now we can see a bit more clearly. We aren’t completely drowning in sorrow. We are slowly bobbing up to the surface to get some more air. We are floating in the in-between world of the life we lived before and the new life we have now. Hamish has forever changed me. From the moment he was born I was never the same. This isn’t a bad thing. I think I am more understanding. I give less of a f*ck about what people think of me. I know what is really important. I wont spend time doing things that I don’t love.

Hamish keep sending your parents in the right direction. I know we have no clue what we are doing with our lives right now. We do know that we love you and each other and we will keep letting that drive us through. 

Tonight the full moon will be out shining bright. I feel like this moon is nearing an end of a dark cycle of grief for Greg and I. We have both felt really down in the last month. I have however been slowly feeling better each day. I feel like as I become stronger this allows Greg to feel into his grief and emotions. To let go of trying to put on a front. It is ok for us to take time out when we need it. I sometimes feel bad that I have taken time off work. Since always working hard my whole life this time of reflection has been difficult. There is that voice in my head that tells me I should be doing more. The other side of me knows I need this time to repair, grieve and heal.

We don’t get many times in our life to just sit in our emotions. To feel whatever is coming up. I feel like I have always been striving and working hard and sometimes pushing down whatever comes up. Instead of honouring how I feel I will always just push through. I have now embraced this time off. I have embraced this awkward in-between phase of my life. I hope I can follow my intuition and do the things I was meant to. I don’t want to get caught up in living the same life I was six months ago.

Keep giving me strength little one to live my truth. 

My monthly moon cycle has arrived. I feel so blessed that my body is getting back into its normal rhythm. I am tired though. I have been trying to rest as much as I can over the last couple of days. I have been trying each day to feel grateful for my health and body. After birth there is so much healing work to be done. Physically and mentally. When you lose your baby it is even harder to be kind to your body. In the weeks after Hamish was born I felt cheated. I felt like my body failed me. The one job it had was to grow and protect my little one and I felt like it failed. I know now it’s not my body’s fault. I know I need to be kinder to myself. I know my body is perfect just the way it is.

I have been making a conscious effort to love and respect all the changes I went through growing my little guy. I am sending love to each part of my changing body as it returns to a new shape. I am particularly working on my womb space. I know it was a safe home for Hamish for nine months. It will also be the home to our future children. I want to heal any hurt and pain I am feeling in this area. I want my future children to feel safe, loved and protected. I have a vision of running some sacral chakra healing circles in the coming months. I am not sure what it will look like but I know something is calling me towards birthing this. I have always loved running workshops and bringing women together. Now is the time I need to trust my intuition and just go with it. Leave my ego behind and stop second guessing myself.

Hamish please give your mamma strength to heal. Please allow her visions come to life.

We went to a church service tonight to honour Hamish and all of the other babies that have left the earth too soon. I was a little nervous about going. Although knowing that most of my support group would be there made me really happy. I knew I wouldn’t be alone in this big church. My family also came along which was lovely. Watching a twenty minute montage of all the babies and children gone too soon was difficult. The choir sang as all the photos passed by on the slide show. I felt like we were attending a thousand funerals in just one day. All of these bereaved parents in one room. Waking in with the unimaginable pain in their hearts.

One big takeaway from the service was that all the parents have chosen love above all else. They have chosen to be more present with their families and other children if they have them. They have decided to make their child in heaven proud. They have decided to be present with each day. Not focus on the past or the future just what is. What is now. That is all we have. Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we get caught up in what should have been or what might be. I will remind myself each day to be grateful for the present and to cherish each moment as it passes.

To see your photo up on that screen was hard tonight. All I wanted was you in my arms. I know how much you love us Hamish. I know our love for you is also felt deeply.

Each day I have time to ponder life. This is the wonderful gift I have been given from Hamish. Time to figure out what I want to be when I ‘grow up’. Time to work out what path I want to walk down. I know my intuition is nudging me towards working on my coaching business more. Helping other women to see the best in themselves. Holding space for women in circles. I saw myself doing this in my mind while I was pregnant and I want to see it come to life.

I just recently became a certified life coach and It is my mission to help as many women as I can. I want to empower women to believe in themselves, create a harmonious relationship with money and live a more intentional life. I believe money is an energy and where it goes will end up manifesting our reality. We can choose to be intentional or waste it on stuff we don’t really need. I am a minimalist (try to be anyway) and I believe that we can all live happier lives with less. It’s not about having nothing it’s about the stuff you do have adding value to your life.

I know right now I need to believe in myself. I need to trust my intuition. I need to create and be intentional with my time. I know I have a gift to be shared. Hamish has allowed me to step into my goddess power. I want to make him proud. I know he will always be watching over me and whatever I do in my life I will think of him. So 2018 come at me! In the last 24 hours I have booked myself into Meditation Teacher Training in Byron Bay, Soulpreneurs conference in February and will be shortly booking a getaway for Greg and I in January.

I love you Hamish.