Day 84

The rain is streaming down the glass as I stare out to the grey sky. Today I feel like the weather. I feel a little grey and down. I feel like staying indoors and resting. I light up the candle on Hamish’s urn and think about him. I think about what I want to do with the next year of my life. I think about travelling, running workshops around the country. Do I want to rough it and go camping or should we airbnb it around the country? Should we go for a month or a whole year? I wonder what would happen if we just took off into the sunset for a year?

Greg returns home from work in the evening and we discuss what we want to do. We are both very practical and want to ensure we don’t end up in a difficult situation if we go travelling. We both know something needs to change. We want to live our lives a bit differently now. We want to do things that light us up each day. I don’t know if I want to go travelling for a year. I know we could make it happen if we wanted to. I mean what’s the worse that can happen, we come back home with a little less in our bank account and have to go get another ‘job’. I guess I am looking at the opportunity cost and weighing it up. If we stay in our ‘normal Sydney life’ what does that look like? Will we get depressed and just live life half heartedly. I will miss everyone and I know how much love and support we have here. Would it be silly to leave that behind? I know we wouldn’t be leaving it behind forever. I know we could still keep in touch with everyone.

It is silly that it takes us to lose our son to revaluate our lives. I guess there is no right thing to do right now. The dust has settled. It is coming up to the three month mark. I know we will never stop missing Hamish. I feel like now we can see a bit more clearly. We aren’t completely drowning in sorrow. We are slowly bobbing up to the surface to get some more air. We are floating in the in-between world of the life we lived before and the new life we have now. Hamish has forever changed me. From the moment he was born I was never the same. This isn’t a bad thing. I think I am more understanding. I give less of a f*ck about what people think of me. I know what is really important. I wont spend time doing things that I don’t love.

Hamish keep sending your parents in the right direction. I know we have no clue what we are doing with our lives right now. We do know that we love you and each other and we will keep letting that drive us through. 

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful life coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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