Forgiveness is a choice. It is something I am working on right now. I need to forgive myself for what has happened. I know it isn’t my fault or anyone else’s for that matter but losing Hamish came with a lot of blame. I felt like my body failed me. I felt like everyone failed me. I wish that I could have done something to save him. I wish at the last ultrasound we could have seen that the cord was wrapped around him. I wish there was something or someone that could have done something. I am learning that forgiveness is what will set me free.
I grew up going to church and believing in God. In my later teen years I turned my back on this. My thoughts on this now is that there is a God of some sort. I believe God is everywhere. God is in all of us. It is a universal force and not necessarily one person. I do know that I forgive God for what has happened to Hamish. I forgive mother nature for taking my precious son away. I forgive the lady that did my last ultrasound at 36 weeks and didn’t pick anything up. I forgive myself. Forgiveness is letting go. It is allowing myself to feel free from blame. The feeling will still come up from time to time but I am trying my best to forgive.
Thank you Hamish for allowing me to forgive.