Christmas. I always love this time of year. Slowing down the pace of life. Spending more time with my family and friends. Getting out in the sunshine. Going for lots of ocean swims. Last year I even learned to surf. This is also the time of year that we conceived our little boy. I don’t want this time of year to be miserable for us. It is just hard as it is the first Christmas without our little boy. I walked passed Santa in the shops the other day and I just thought of how it would be to line up and get my family Santa photo for the first time. Then I thought screw it I might go into the shops one day when it’s quiet and get a Santa photo with me holding a photo of Hamish. I know it might sound weird but I just feel so crappy that he doesn’t get to have a Santa photo.
I haven’t decided if I will go through with it and get the photo. I feel like I am missing out on the life I thought I was going to have. Missing out on seeing Hamish grow up. See him crawl then walk, talk and cry, scream and shout. Feel his cuddles and see him smile. I know he is smiling down on me now though. I know he would be proud of his mum and everything she is doing. I trust that he is happy. I trust that his Christmas in another place will be peaceful. I trust that our family of three will one day be a family of four maybe even five or six! I guess I have to leave it up to the universe to decide. All I want from Santa is to know my little angel is happy wherever he is right now.
Love you Hamish.