Day 89

Today I woke up with a small hangover. A few red wines after dinner. Probably the first time I have felt like this in a while. I had some interesting conversations last night with two of my soul sisters. One of them told me she felt very sad on the day of my baby shower. She woke up feeling sad and couldn’t shake it off. She also kept trying to feel some kicks from Hamish that day. He wasn’t kicking much that day which in hindsight could have been a sign. He still kicked every so often but what I know now is babies have sleep cycles of ninety minutes. So you should feel at least ten movements every two hours at least.

I do believe my bestie felt this sadness as she may of had a hunch about Hamish’s fate. What is even weirder is my closest angel mum friend (who I only met after Hamish) was at the table next to us at the restaurant where we had my baby shower. She was there for a friends 30th. We have a mutual friend who spoke with her at my baby shower. My friend thought this must of been why she had felt sad. As she was going to see someone who had only recently lost her little girl less than two months earlier. They didn’t mention it to me as they didn’t want to scare me or make me feel sad at my baby shower.

I have another soul sister who never even touched my belly. She said she never felt right about my pregnancy. It is weird looking back now and thinking about whether Hamish was always going to leave too soon. It doesn’t make me feel any better or give me more peace. I do however trust that the path he was on couldn’t be changed. I had every baby book under the sun thanks to my lovely sister in law. I read loads of blogs about pregnancy. I was in touch with Hamish each day as he grew bigger. I was having weekly checkups after 36 weeks. I would write in my journal each morning and I felt so connected to him. I wasn’t too busy to not notice any changes. I did however as a first time mum feel like it would be silly if I turned up at hospital for a false alarm. I didn’t want to feel like a worrier when every appointment the doctor said he was fine. I would say to all mums now first or second time don’t worry what other people think. If you feel sick, or something isn’t right or the movements have increased or decreased go get checked out.

Hamish I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon.  

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful life coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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