I Am Still Born

I woke up rather early and went across the road to the beach. It was a warm sunny morning and I decided to jump straight into the ocean. As soon as I walked in I could feel Hamish’s presence. I took myself all the way in past the breaks. I just laid down and let the waves roll under me as I floated along the top of the water. I felt safe, it’s like the ocean was giving me a big hug with her huge tranquil arms. I always feel more peaceful being close to the ocean. When I get to spend time swimming it fills me up so much.

After my lovely swim I head back to the hotel and meet some friends from the course. We joke about the weekend and all the crazy stuff we did. We have a deep soulful conversation thanks to the lovely Miriam who brought out these little rocks which guide us. Talking about our deepest wishes and how we are going to shine in our lives.

Two of my new friends got engaged at the end of the course on Sunday night in front of all of us. It was a heart warming moment and I was front and centre watching as Ricky got down on one knee and proposed to Summer. Tears streaming down my face I was overjoyed for them. I knew how precious this moment was. The whole room erupted into claps and screaming when they realized what he was about to do. And then Summer said YES! They are a beautiful couple with an amazing future ahead. Love like this doesn’t happen everyday I could see what they have is special.

Hamish I love you and I feel surrounded by love right now. It makes me so happy.

Today I was pushed around by 40 people in a circle, I had deep conversations with 4 elderly people at a bowling club about their lives, I let my subconscious take over, I stood up in front of 82 people and told them how I’m going to improve my relationships after getting feedback that I am not present enough, I went up to a guy and told him he was handsome (something I wouldn’t normally do), had soulful conversations over breakfast with Alexi, Preston, my lovely friend Athina and a few other inspiring people. I learnt how to centre myself with my breath. I got up again in front of over 100 people and told them what I got the most clarity from this weekend and what I am committed to doing for the rest of my life. I witnessed a beautiful singer belt out a heartfelt tune. Drank cocktails and had a nourishing dinner with some deep and open conversations.

This wasn’t your typical day to say the least. What I took from this experience is hard to put into words. It’s called the bridge experience as it bridges many different techniques and modalities to get ourselves to get out of our own way. I realise after this weekend I need to show up more in some areas of my life. Particularly in my marriage. While being an A type over achiever it seems I was allowing my most important relationship to be neglected. Yes we are a strong couple and are very much in love. However I am not always present. I get lost on social media in the Instagram and Facebook vortex. The problem isn’t my phone it’s that I try and communicate while not being fully there. I try and have a conversation while still looking at my phone. I do this too often. I am committed to showing up fully from now on. It’s ok to have time on my phone but it’s not ok to do it while mid conversation.

The other thing I’m taking away from all of this is that I need to play more. I need to be carefree and let go of control sometimes. I have been a control freak from a young age due to taking on a lot of responsibilities as a child. I never knew how to allow others to help me as I always had to help myself. This turned me into a fiercely independent goddess who can achieve amazing things. So it has had it’s benefits. I realise now though that you can’t always be in control. Hamish you are my biggest lesson in this. I wanted you in my life so badly and I know I have to surrender to what has happened. It’s time for freedom. It’s time for me to get out of my head. It’s time for play.

Hamish I will continue to listen to you and know that you are helping me on this path. 

P.S. After asking my new 80 year old plus friends what their secret was I got an interesting response from each of them.

Peggy Rose said that growing up through the great depression ensured she had resilience for when tough times came along and every part of life was a blessing. Marci told me her secret was to be grateful everyday and never envious of others. Peter said it was at least half a bottle of red wine each night!

And you know what response they all had for the thing they were most proud of in their life? It was their children. As a mother I am so proud of Hamish so I can relate. He is weaving his way through many lives. He is raising awareness for stillbirth. He is helping others around me live their truth. He has helped his mum and dad come together more. I couldn’t be more proud of my little one.

 

I feel so free today. Like I can spend the day doing whatever I feel. I realise now how little I allowed myself before to make choices and do things that really light me up. I felt trapped in a life doing things more out of obligation. I said yes to too many things. I tried to show up for everyone and rarely for myself. During my pregnancy I had an excuse to say no more. Finally I could say ‘no I don’t feel like doing that’. Now I feel like I don’t need to make excuses. I want choose to do things that make me happy. I want to be free from feeling the like I ‘should’ be doing something. I want to check in with my soul each day and my little angel Hamish and ask if I’m heading in the right direction.

Hamish I know you will guide me forward. I know you will help me tune into my soul and embody the person I always wanted to be.

 

I danced for many years growing up and I loved it so much. It was a creative outlet for me. It was an escape from my reality into another place. I felt so free when I used to dance. I practiced both ballet and creative dance for most of my childhood. Dance is a way of me expressing who I truly am. It is a practice I can come back to at anytime in my life and find immense joy. I danced through the first 26 or so weeks of my pregnancy with a lovely friend who started a dance school on the Northern Beaches.

Today I went to Sydney Dance Company and did an open Jazz class. It was so much fun. The teacher Ramon actually taught me 22 years ago when I went there for dance camp in primary school. He is small in size but larger than life. A talented dance teacher and guide. We let it rip to Britney Spears – ‘Stronger’ and while doing the routine I felt so free and so much joy for the first time in 6 weeks.

 

Thanks Hamish for guiding me towards things that bring me so much joy. 

Today is my 6 week check up with my doctor. Again today has not turned out how it was supposed to. I pictured myself walking into the doctors office with Hamish in my arms. Instead I walk in with a baby album with a few cherished photos of Hamish. Carrying this photo album with me gives me comfort. It forms part of my memory of Hamish. A reminder to show people my baby was real. It is difficult when you become a mum but you walk through life without your physical baby.

We found out today that all the pathology came back clear. There was no signs of infection or anything else that would have caused Hamish to pass away. It was good to know but at the same time upsetting as we know he was a healthy little boy. We think he may have been wrapped in the cord for sometime but there was no sign that this was going to cause any issues. It is not something they look for in scans as most babies will have the cord in some way around them. One of the things though that might have saved Hamish is if I had noticed a big change in his movements. Unfortunately there is not enough awareness and education around on monitoring foetal movements. I am grateful for organisations like Still Aware that are spreading this important message.

Hamish I will continue to spread your message so that we can reduce the amount of angel mums. 

Salty tears stream down my face. Sometimes it’s one at a time slowly rolling over my cheek. Other times it’s like Niagara falls has opened up from my tear ducts. Today I mastered the art of crying while driving. It all started when I went to get a massage. My lovely massage therapist who I have been seeing for a couple of years broke down when she saw me. Gave me a big hug and cried with me as I showed her a picture of Hamish.

I then drove to meet one of my soul sisters for lunch. A few minutes into the trip the tears started and they weren’t going to stop. So I decided at that moment as long as I keep looking ahead I will be fine. I made it to my destination and pulled myself together. I wondered how much longer this kind of stuff would happen. I know it’s only been six weeks but I don’t want it to be like this forever. I know it’s ok to cry but I still have this stupid thing in my head telling me I need to be stronger.

Why do we tell ourselves it’s weak to show emotion. Why are we uncomfortable around people crying. I specifically recall one of my besties crying a few months back at a friends barbeque after going through a break up. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I know hugging and comforting helps but I felt so uncomfortable as I watched her cry. It makes me think now how silly I was to feel that way. I know now that by allowing her emotions out in that way was part of her healing. I know now how important my tears are. Each one represents the love I have for Hamish. Each one allows me to mourn my little boy. Each one allows me to step closer towards my own healing.

Thanks little one for teaching me how to cry again.

‘The Shift’ by Wayne Dyer is one of my all time favourite movies. It is about finding your Dharma (life purpose) and trying to understand what is truly important in our lives. Wayne has been a teacher and mentor over the last five years for me. I was about to buy tickets to go meet him for a retreat in Maui when I heard of his passing. It was so sad. Even though we never met I felt so connected to his work and was excited to meet him. If you haven’t come across his work I recommend reading any of his books or watching ‘The Shift’. He wanted this movie shared with the world. I did end up making it to Maui later that year. It is such a special place. From seeing a large turtle swimming along the edge of the shore to watching the sunrise at the top of a volcano in the centre of the island. Every part of that magnificent island touched my soul.

I realise everyone we cross paths with in life becomes one of our teachers. Hamish will be my greatest teacher of all. For someone who only graced the earth for a short time I have learnt so much. I know from the 9 months we spent together he was an old soul. He was here to spend time with Greg and I. To give us hope. To allow us to get closer to living our Dharma. To allow us to become more vulnerable and in turn allow those around us to do the same. To make us even more grateful for our time here on earth. Knowing we can make such a big impact. We can save babies from dying the same way Hamish did. We can help others see the light in their lives and be more grateful. We can be better versions of ourselves. More caring, compassionate and loving.

I am so thankful I am walking through life with you by my side now. I know when I get off track you will gently pull me towards the right path. Hamish I trust you came to us just at the right time and I will continue to allow you to guide us.

Today was the first day I have put mascara on. To me this is a milestone. I know I might still cry today but I put it on anyway. I carefully did my makeup and put a nice dress on to go out to celebrate my little sisters birthday breakfast. Going out today was difficult as I knew I would be seeing my sisters friends for the first time since Hamish left.

Each time I see someone I haven’t seen since he left is a new experience. Some don’t know what to say, so they say nothing much at all. Others say ‘I’m sorry’. The best way I want others to deal with it is to acknowledge Hamish and allow me to talk about him. It is not exactly the easiest conversation starter ‘How are you since your son died?’ but I do want to talk and open up about it. I want to share Hamish with others. I want to share the lessons he has taught me.

Today I also made a photo book of all the precious photos we have of Hamish. I am so excited for it to arrive. The photos that Deb and the Heartfelt photographer took are amazing. I can stare at Hamish’s cute face for hours, his cute feet with long toes like daddy, his peaceful eyes shut, precious little hands and plump lips like his mumma. I can’t wait to share them with our future children and tell them about their big brother. It is a weird thing but after losing a child all you want is to do is get pregnant again. I know we will wait a while but the natural feeling to me is to want another child. Not to anyway replace Hamish but to expand our family earth-side.

Hamish you are too special not to be shared.

Have you ever felt like you were out of control. Like you couldn’t make choices for yourself. You didn’t have a say over an outcome in your life. Something you wanted so badly is just out of reach. I have felt like this several times in my life. I am a control freak. I am a typical type A whom always makes sure I can do the best in every situation. Sometimes though we don’t have control. Sometimes in life we have to surrender. We have to go with the flow. I don’t have a problem with going with the flow but when the flow happens to be dealing with grief and a loss so painful it is unimaginable that is when it becomes more difficult.

 

I have tried my best to surrender to what has happened. I have tried my best to accept I cant change anything. The only thing I have control over right now is how I feel, how I deal with this loss. How I move on in my life and try and put the pieces of my heart back together. I am also a very optimistic and positive person. I wonder if my optimism failed me. I wonder if I became more anxious or pessimistic and waiting for the worst to happen whether it would have prepared me better for what happened to Hamish. I am not completely oblivious to knowing that things can go wrong in life but I do try my best to look on the bright side. To see the light in each day. To see the best in others. To trust all will be well.

Hamish please guide me to the light in my life, please help me surrender. I miss you so much. I want you back more than anything.