Salty tears stream down my face. Sometimes it’s one at a time slowly rolling over my cheek. Other times it’s like Niagara falls has opened up from my tear ducts. Today I mastered the art of crying while driving. It all started when I went to get a massage. My lovely massage therapist who I have been seeing for a couple of years broke down when she saw me. Gave me a big hug and cried with me as I showed her a picture of Hamish.
I then drove to meet one of my soul sisters for lunch. A few minutes into the trip the tears started and they weren’t going to stop. So I decided at that moment as long as I keep looking ahead I will be fine. I made it to my destination and pulled myself together. I wondered how much longer this kind of stuff would happen. I know it’s only been six weeks but I don’t want it to be like this forever. I know it’s ok to cry but I still have this stupid thing in my head telling me I need to be stronger.
Why do we tell ourselves it’s weak to show emotion. Why are we uncomfortable around people crying. I specifically recall one of my besties crying a few months back at a friends barbeque after going through a break up. I honestly didn’t know what to do. I know hugging and comforting helps but I felt so uncomfortable as I watched her cry. It makes me think now how silly I was to feel that way. I know now that by allowing her emotions out in that way was part of her healing. I know now how important my tears are. Each one represents the love I have for Hamish. Each one allows me to mourn my little boy. Each one allows me to step closer towards my own healing.
Thanks little one for teaching me how to cry again.
I Am Still Born 