Have you ever felt like you were out of control. Like you couldn’t make choices for yourself. You didn’t have a say over an outcome in your life. Something you wanted so badly is just out of reach. I have felt like this several times in my life. I am a control freak. I am a typical type A whom always makes sure I can do the best in every situation. Sometimes though we don’t have control. Sometimes in life we have to surrender. We have to go with the flow. I don’t have a problem with going with the flow but when the flow happens to be dealing with grief and a loss so painful it is unimaginable that is when it becomes more difficult.
I have tried my best to surrender to what has happened. I have tried my best to accept I cant change anything. The only thing I have control over right now is how I feel, how I deal with this loss. How I move on in my life and try and put the pieces of my heart back together. I am also a very optimistic and positive person. I wonder if my optimism failed me. I wonder if I became more anxious or pessimistic and waiting for the worst to happen whether it would have prepared me better for what happened to Hamish. I am not completely oblivious to knowing that things can go wrong in life but I do try my best to look on the bright side. To see the light in each day. To see the best in others. To trust all will be well.
Hamish please guide me to the light in my life, please help me surrender. I miss you so much. I want you back more than anything.