Last night I flew to the Gold Coast for some training with Preston Smiles and Alexi Panos. It has involved stepping forward and up in front of many others. Surrendering and being vulnerable. Allowing others to see the real me. Getting feedback on what people’s first impressions are of me. The feedback was hard to swallow. Not that it was that negative but the word insecure came up a few times. That made me feel a little frustrated. I do feel insecure at the moment but I don’t know if that is because of what has happened or if this is how people saw me before. Is this how I see myself? Am I insecure? Where am I self sabotaging and not fully being a player in my life? I have pondered this tonight and while to others I might seem like the personal development junkie/coach that has her shit together most of the time, really I’m on a journey to find true love in myself.
From a young age I never felt good enough. I always strived to be the best at everything as I never felt enough. I don’t think I felt enough love from either of my parents so I needed to find love externally. Whether it was my teachers in primary school or friends and relationships. I would do my best to try and show them the perfectionist in me. I would try and be what I thought was ‘perfect’ so I could be loved. This has caused me so much pain. As I was always trying to please others. I was always coming from a place of trying to be accepted instead of from my heart.
Today I showed up. I shared my insecurities. I let them sit with me so I can understand them better. I also held space for others in a way that I haven’t for a long time. It felt so empowering to hold and spread love to others going through pain. I felt so relieved and not alone. It made me realise we all have pain. We have triggers. We have trauma. Whether it is from when we were 2 or 25 or 33. The pain we carry is a heavy burden. I have learnt today that there is nothing more liberating than to share your pain with others. Not in a way where your always playing the victim over and over but in a way where you can share it, acknowledge it, sit with it and then release it.
Thank you Hamish for holding space with me today. I know you were in that room with me.