I Am Still Born

Today I snapped. I yelled at Greg. I just lost it at him and called him some really mean names. It was in reaction to him getting angry over something he was doing. I just had no patience left. In the past I used to be very sensitive and react quite quickly when things didn’t work out the way I wanted them too. One of the things I’ve worked on in the past few years is being more patient. Being able to have more compassion. Today that went out the window. I could see how my words landed on Greg like hot fiery arrows being targeted in his direction. I needed to take my anger out on someone today. I had enough. That was it. I hate fighting and I do apologize and forgive quickly. I don’t like to hold grudges. I let the words that came from my mouth sit with me today. I wondered what part of me they came from. What part of wounded little Jodie was still suffering that she needed to share this pain. What part of me could be so cruel. Why did I feel like it’s ok to speak to the person I love the most in the world in this way. I wish I could have taken it back. There is no way though. I had to accept that I released something from myself. I had to apologize and just hoped that Greg wouldn’t take my words to heart.

Hamish please help your mummy heal her inner child. Please help her be nicer to your Daddy.

I have started to dip my toes back into work. This is conscious work, heart centred mission based work. I am so deeply passionate about women owning their worth. I am passionate about women having a conscious and harmonious relationship with money. I want to lead the way to help women feel less stressed in their lives. I am working with my first client today after having a few months off. I feel light and so excited to dive into this coaching series. I am working with a special soul sister and I am excited for her to feel more ease and grace in her business and personal finances. I believe we can all create abundance and flow in our lives. I believe it starts with valuing ourselves. Knowing our worth and our own value not in a monetary sense but more around how we feel. Once you have your basic financial security sorted though it gives you a new level of freedom. To work on passion projects, freely travel to exotic locations, time, space, soul discovery and so much more.

I am feeling so aligned to my purpose and I know there are many more projects that will come to life in 2018. I am running my first mindful money workshop of the year in February and I will be also running some women’s circles throughout the year. I want to bring women together. I want to also run healing circles in the womb space. I know something was tapping me on the shoulder this year asking me to step up in this way. I want to hold sacred space for women to express themselves and also own their worth. I want to channel my Shakti energy daily and allow this to flow through all of my work. I also am so excited to put together my book for women who are going through baby loss. It will be my most proudest creative project that will be finished and shared with the world in 2018. I know it will go on to help so many women. It will be the stories of my sisters, their precious words.

Hamish I know this is what you wanted me to do. I will keep listening and tuning in. 

For the first 90 days after Hamish was born I cried at least once a day. I allowed the tears to well up and pour out each day freely. In the last few weeks I have cried less. It still comes over me every few days but not as heavy as before. My heart is starting to feel lighter and I think that has a direct correlation between how much I have cried. I have never been a ‘crier’. It is funny that I even label it a thing. Truth is we are all criers. We all have times in our life where things get hard and the shadow takes over. If you need to cry please do. Don’t judge yourself for it either. We can’t always control our emotions nor should we. They flow through us as a direct reaction to how we feel about moments in our lives. I will be forever grateful for the lessons my precious son has given me. How he has opened my heart space, tear ducts and all.

Thank you little one for being my son. I feel so grateful for the nine months we had together and the relationship that will continue to grow for years to come.

After a nice Christmas with my family we are having a relaxing day. As relaxing as it can be with my almost two year old niece Larissa. She has been staying with us to have some Aunty and Uncle time. Now she is a big sister there will be a lot of changes for her when she goes home. I have noticed she doesn’t hold back her emotions and she definitely knows what she wants. If she needs to cry she will. If she is sleepy she will let me know. When it comes to food she is very particular. It made me think about how as adults we sometimes lose these traits. The ability to freely express emotions. To be assertive when it comes to what we want. To live our lives in flow and play. When Larissa sleeps for her day time nap she literally wakes and says ‘play’ ‘play’ ‘play’. I want to spend some more time in play. I have loved having her stay with us. I wish for anything that I could have had this time with Hamish to watch him grow up and play. He will be growing up in another place. I just need to trust that this is the way it was meant to be.

Love you always.

Merry Christmas my little one. You have been gone for three and a half months. I still feel your presence each day. Today more than ever I know you are with us. I know you can feel the Love we have for you. It is stronger than any force of nature, it is bigger than the entire ocean and there is no mountain that reaches high enough. Our love for you goes through this universe into other galaxy’s far far away.

Today we received a binary star from you as a gift. It is officially named after you. A star we can see with the naked eye. On first look it is just one star shining brightly. If you magnify it with a telescope you can see it is actually two. This symbolizes our love for you. We are all one. We are family for life. We will find your star when we are feeling lost little one. We will remember we are there, two shining stars next to each other in many lifetimes to come.

We have so much love surrounding us today. My sister gave birth to my precious niece Kirrily Emma lastnight 5 minutes before midnight. She was so close to sharing a birthday with Christmas. Kirrily is a ray of sunshine. She was the best Christmas present we could have asked for. Holding her was a special moment for me. I looked down in awe of her beauty. Her safe arrival was such a blessing. After all we have been through we needed this light again in our lives.

Hamish thanks for being there for us today. I know you helped us get through your first Christmas without you here. Know that we will celebrate you every year.

Christmas Eve is not how I thought it would look. I am doing my best to not dwell on what our life was going to look like and embrace what is. We went to the beach this morning for a nice long swim. I felt so free in the ocean. It washed away my worries for a fleeting moment. Greg has been really snappy and angry. It isn’t easy when your both trying to grieve and at different stages. I really hope he can move past the anger eventually. I know this isn’t fair but we do need to try and make the most of our lives.

I feel heartbroken every time I think of Hamish. Even though my soul might have agreed to let him go my heart still yearns for him. I light a tea light candle each day on his urn. I want him to know I’m thinking of him. Particularly this time of year. It was going to be his first Christmas. We were supposed to be celebrating in style in our new home. Showering him with love and kisses. Santa was supposed to visit. Even though he would have only been 3 and a half months, we would have made his first Christmas so special.

Hamish mummy and daddy love you so much. We hope wherever your spirit is spending Christmas it’s in a nice place. I hope that Santa and his reindeer drop you a visit. I will be sending all my love to your home tomorrow. I will think of you all day and I will smile knowing you are ok. Deep down I know your ok. I will give your Daddy extra hugs tomorrow. Love you.

I woke up feeling good today. I can choose how I want to spend my time. I went to Pilates in the morning which was fun. I feel like moving my body and energy around helps keep me feeling happy. I know the days where I move less the energy in my body is stagnate. It feels a little more heavier. I’ve been able to do more exercise and I feel as though my body is starting to get stronger. Growing a baby has a big impact on your body. It changes your shape and moves muscles and organs around. I keep reminding myself to be kind to my body and allow it to slowly go back to its new shape.

Even though things didn’t work out for Hamish I am still so proud of what my body did to grow him for nine months. I know in my next pregnancy my body will also be strong and nurturing. It will be a safe place for my next bub to blossom before birth. It will be a warm cocoon filled with love. My next baby will also have a strong bond with Hamish. I know he will for sure. They are brothers for life. Next time my little one will have a chance at living outside of my womb. He will get to take his first breath and cry. He will get to go to school and live his purpose in life. He will get married and have children of his own. He will grow old and see his parents pass on. He will live a healthy and fulfilling life. He will know so much love surrounds him. I have a strong feeling it will be a ‘him’. I also know there is a daughter waiting for me but I think my next son will come first. Life will continue to thrive and Greg and I will be more in love than ever. I know we will get our happy ending.

Hamish you are going to be a great big brother.

For weeks now I have been saying this mantra daily. ‘I am goddess, I am she, the power of shakti flows through me. I have had a few moments when I can feel it bubbling inside of me. I feel soft, calm, peaceful, feminine, divine, fragrant, sensual. I have been reading the book ‘Rise Sister Rise’ for the last week. This book had also ignited the fire. It has sparked my soul into life. The flame is burning strong. My desire to get to know my true goddess within is now. I need to know what is inside of me. In my soul reading a couple of weeks ago she said I had this mission which was around empowering women. I have always wanted to empower women in everything I do.

It is my right to make sure women are not oppressed. It is our right as women to be held by a balanced masculine in this society. We shouldn’t have to fight to be who we truly are. We should be valued for our divine feminine gifts in business, relationships and all aspects of life. We shouldn’t hide our light. Our prowess and power. It continues to rise year on year. I know when bringing up my future children they will understand the importance of honouring both the feminine and masculine essence. They will know there is a fine dance between the two. I hope to show them by example what it means to be balanced in my own goddess energy. I want them to be proud of their mother. I want them to know that they can be their true self always.

Thank you for allowing your mother to see her gifts as the divine goddess she is.

I met a friend for lunch today and he told me the news that his girlfriend is pregnant with a little boy. I am so happy for them and I know it will be me again soon one day being able to share the same news. It is hard sometimes that people don’t know what to say to me. There is this awkwardness that comes with losing your child. Some people comfort you and speak his name. Others don’t want to bring it up Incase it may upset me. I much prefer to speak of Hamish. He is my first child. The one I longed for. He is my proudest achievement all in one little guy. I know he will weave his love throughout our lives forever. I know he will always be by my side.

I don’t need to talk about him all the time but I do feel like I should acknowledge him each day in conversations. If he was alive I would talk about him a lot so why does it have to be different now. I do feel isolated now when my friends speak of their children. I still want to see them and hear about them it’s just hard sometimes. My heart just feels a pang of sadness as I can’t speak of Hamish in the same way. I can’t discuss how I am going to get him into this school or how we are going on a family holiday here. Or how I hope he loves the Christmas presents I got him.

Hamish you are missed everyday

A day of highs and lows. It started with a lovely soul sister coming over and having tea with me. We talk about how much our lives have changed in the last 12 months. We have both walked in different directions. We have taken new paths. Some that have lead us closer to our souls purpose. Some that have been scary. A year ago my friend had just reached base camp on Everest where her lovely fiancé proposed only a few hours later to be taken down the mountain in a helicopter to a hospital quite ill. After she returned to Australia all better we were all relieved. Then she left my work a matter of months later to pursue her dream of working as a landscape designer. I am so proud as she carves out the life of her dreams.

I had lunch with two other soul sisters and we had some deep conversations about how we feel about life. Where we are heading and what is really feeding us. What is lighting us up and how much we have achieved without even realizing it. We celebrate each other’s years and enjoyed each other’s company. I then had dinner with my littlest sister. We went to a lovely little Italian restaurant in my neighborhood. Vegan pizza and pasta for dinner. We had a cry together which was nice. She got to tell me how she felt during Hamish’s birth and the weeks after. It is inspiring to see how much he has changed our family dynamic. We have always been close but this has brought us even closer. The love I feel for my sisters is infinite and I am so grateful for their support.

After dinner Greg arrives home from the movies. A few nights ago he pulled an angel card. It read ‘make sure you tell your loved ones how you feel before it may be too late’. I knew straight away we should call Greg’s Grandpa Joe. We tried to call straight away and got no answer. Then we got the message tonight he isn’t going very well. We got to tell him we love him tonight over the phone. He kept asking ‘Is Jodie ok? I think of her all the time. Is she ok? We keep saying ‘yes’. We love you. We love you Joe. It’s heartbreaking to know he might not have long left. I know his Grandad was the strongest father figure he had in his life. Someone who he has always looked upto. Someone who has been there through it all.

Hamish thank you for allowing us to connect with the ones we love on a deeper level.