I met a friend for lunch today and he told me the news that his girlfriend is pregnant with a little boy. I am so happy for them and I know it will be me again soon one day being able to share the same news. It is hard sometimes that people don’t know what to say to me. There is this awkwardness that comes with losing your child. Some people comfort you and speak his name. Others don’t want to bring it up Incase it may upset me. I much prefer to speak of Hamish. He is my first child. The one I longed for. He is my proudest achievement all in one little guy. I know he will weave his love throughout our lives forever. I know he will always be by my side.
I don’t need to talk about him all the time but I do feel like I should acknowledge him each day in conversations. If he was alive I would talk about him a lot so why does it have to be different now. I do feel isolated now when my friends speak of their children. I still want to see them and hear about them it’s just hard sometimes. My heart just feels a pang of sadness as I can’t speak of Hamish in the same way. I can’t discuss how I am going to get him into this school or how we are going on a family holiday here. Or how I hope he loves the Christmas presents I got him.
Hamish you are missed everyday
I Am Still Born 