I Am Still Born

We say our goodbyes to our lovely new friends. It is sad to say goodbye. We are however looking forward to our first scrumptious meal in a week and our new resort on the other side of the island. We arrive at midday and are shown to our amazing pool villa. It is secluded on the hillside overlooking the pure green ocean below. Our infinity pool is huge. Bigger than the pool on the rooftop of our apartment back home. I feel very lucky to be here and have this amazing experience. Greg and I spend the afternoon swimming and basking in the sun. It is days like this when I pinch myself and realise I am living my dream life. I am missing my son but I know I have to trust he is where he is meant to be. I can’t time travel and change how things have turned out. All I have is the present moment. All I have is with me right now.

We go to the busy fisherman’s wharf for our first proper meal. We decide on a authentic Thai restaurant that was recommended by one of our new friends Ta Noi. I am so ready to demolish this delicious green curry and water spinach! We try to pick healthy options as we know our stomach will thank us later. Once home we decide to go for a night swim. The clouds have parted above and in the darkness all we can see is the stars shining brightly. I wonder if we can see Hamish’s star. I think of him knowing I am having this experience thanks to him. I know I wouldn’t be here right now in this moment if it wasn’t for him. I am grateful for everything he has brought into my life. The new friendships and closer old ones, deeper family connections, soulful conversations, more purpose, more love.

Thank you my dear boy for all the love you have brought into our lives. 

It is the last day of our detox. Our last juices and vegetable broth. I am feeling relieved. I have enjoyed our time at the resort and I will miss the lovely people we have met. Greg and I have made some new friends. They all helped us make it through the week. Last night I was looking up at the stars after dinner (water with garlic) and I was thinking about how different my life looks to how I thought it was. Here I was sitting at a table with three other beautiful souls talking about life. Talking about abuse, tragedy, cleansing, depression, gratitude, the silver lining on every cloud. We talked about how our hearts felt in that moment. About how we all overcame something to get to this very moment. The moment we are in now sharing with each other is special. I get a bit teary knowing the strength in those before me. In knowing the strength I have within me. I don’t even know where it comes from. I know I was born with it. I have always been able to overcome anything that comes my way. Overcome doesn’t mean I don’t still carry the scars on my heart. It doesn’t mean I am a perfectly put together human. It just means I can walk on. I can carry through and see that my future is bright. I know each of the defining moments and years in my life where I have been to the lowest lows don’t define me. They make me the imperfect person I am today. I am also more at peace with myself.

Thank you Hamish for allowing me to get to know myself better in these past few months. I hope this will make me an even better mother in the future to your siblings.  

Day six and we are almost there. Another twenty four hours will pass and we can finally eat food again. I am feeling a little sad today. I am allowing myself to sit with whatever emotions that come up. Sometimes just writing this blog can make me cry as I tap into how I feel. I intend to get pregnant again this year. I know it isn’t something that I can control. I need to surrender. I need to allow that little soul to come along when they are ready. I intend to live a life much more aligned with my values going forward. Even though I had a really lovely pregnancy for the most part with Hamish I will do things a little differently next time. I will trust my own intuition above all else. I will always nourish my body with all the healthy food it needs. I will be present with myself and my loved ones. I will not be overly anxious and although I will allow myself to feel whatever I need to. I feel like we are ready now. I know that the universe will know when the right time is though.

Hamish I can’t wait to meet your siblings. 

Day five of the detox and I wake up feeling fresh. Yoga and meditation in the mornings is feeding my soul. I didn’t realise how much I missed my practice. How much I loved being able to move my body through the flow of each pose. I feel at peace when I am on the mat. It is a time for me to be grateful for the sun, earth and water. It is time for me to be grateful for the earth suit I have. It is time for me to connect within and also think of loved ones. I dedicate my practice today to Greg and Hamish. My two loves. I think of my boys and I am in awe of how lucky I am. Hamish is no longer here but I am still connected with him. I still got 9 precious months with him on earth. These months were some of the happiest of my life. I will always cherish them. I think of the travelling we did together up and down the east coast of Australia and over to NZ. I think about the quieter moments I had with Greg and Hamish before we would go to sleep at night. We would chat to Hamish and tell him how much we loved him.

Each day that passes gets lighter. I know that is how you intended it to be. I love you Hamish. 

It’s day four and I am starting to feel a little more energy. It’s surprising how well our bodies can run when we give our digestive system a break. I feel like I am adjusted now to Thai time and I wake up at seven am. Our day starts with a clay and Physllium husk detox drink with coconut water. The first time I drank it I felt like being sick. Four days later and it’s the closest thing I have to food and I’m savoring every sip. After drinking it we decide to go for a walk along the beach. The waves are crashing into us as we walk along the shore. We talk about how grateful we are to be here. About how many more adventures we have ahead of us. When next bub comes along we want to take a year out and travel around Australia. There are so many beautiful beaches to visit and country towns. We want to get a camper trailer that we can take with us everywhere we go. We want to live our life to the fullest and make sure we appreciate every moment.

We stop back at the resort for our next meal (aka drink) of the day. I decided on a beetroot juice and greg has a green one with chilli. I am feeling a little queasy after the juice so we just chill by the pool. Our next meal is a coconut to drink. I love my daily coconut knowing it has been picked recently from the island. I then decide to take a kayak out on the beach and go for a little solo adventure. There are some shore breakers so it takes me three times and someone’s assistance to get on and away. I feel free on the ocean. I know I can trust her. I paddle around and soak up the glorious day.

I then go for my treatment which is a tai sang cheng. It is a stomach massage which is supposed to assist your digestion. The lovely practitioner kindly asks ‘when did you have a baby?’ ‘I say four months ago’ ‘Oh who is looking after the baby?!’ Hmmm how do I answer this? God? The universe? Source? Someone is looking after my Hamish. I wouldn’t just leave him alone out there. I tell her ‘he is no longer here with us.’ Her face drops. ‘Oh I am so sorry’. The treatment begins as she does some healing work on my heart. It brings her to tears. I feel like my chest is caving in from the pain of her massaging my heart space. It hurts but in a good way. After the treatment she said she has never had this happen before. She was covered in goosebumps and brought to tears. She allows me to have a little cry. I leave knowing I have opened her heart and mine a little more.

Hamish I hope you are well cared for. I am not sure if you are a baby spirit who needs looking after but whenever I think of this I think of my precious mother in law Doreen who is up there with you. I know she would be taking really good care of you. She would be giving you all the motherly love you need. When I first found out you left I had a small sense of peace wash over knowing your Grandma is with you.

 

Day three of our detox and I am starting to feel a little more normal. I was so tired after visiting the night markets I needed a good nights sleep. My body is calling for me to take it easy today. It wants me to have a break. I spent most of the day relaxing on the beach. I spend a good hour in a staring competition with a crab. After looking at the crab I wondered if he could actually see me. If I moved a tiny bit he would too. I spent time playing in the sand. I wrote Hamish’s name in the sand and collected leaves to place around it.

I cried thinking about how much I love him. How much I miss him. I miss having him close to me. I want to honour Hamish each day. I want to make him proud. I know he is an old soul. I will try and learn as much as I can from him. I know he has forever changed me. Losing someone I have unconditional love for hurts so much. I am however trying my best to see the light in every day. I am living my life to the fullest.

Tonight we sat on the beach next to my little altar I made for Hamish and watched the sun set over the sea. Greg hugged me as the tears fell down my cheeks. Our little boy is up there somewhere. He is in every butterfly that flutters past us. He is in every drop of the ocean I swim in. He is in every grain of sand that falls between my fingers. He is in every cloud. He is in every breath I take.

I love you Hamish. 

Day two of our detox and I wake up feeling really good. Allowing my digestive system to have a break has been very beneficial. I ease into yoga this morning and decide to take it easy for most of the day. We are staying right on the edge of the island. Our room is a twenty meters walk to the ocean. I wake up and the first thing I hear is the birds chirping and the waves crashing. I love being so close to the water. Our resort is on a quiet part of the island on the south western corner.

In the afternoon I have a reiki healing session. The owner of the retreat is a reiki practitioner. He has healing hands. I literally walked out of there feeling so much lighter. He says I have been holding a lot of sadness in my gut area. That where we hold onto emotions, this is where they lie. I know a part of me will always be sad but I do want to make sure it doesn’t effect my health. I am hoping the detox also helps me release this emotionally and physically.

He also said there was some blockages in the throat area. He asked me if there is anything I am having trouble saying out loud. I guess I feel as though I am in a transition period. I have one foot in my old life and one foot in the new. To fully step into my new life I have to let go of some things. I need to allow my new life to blossom. It won’t grow into the beautiful flower it’s meant to if I don’t water it and allow it to see the sunshine each day. I am going to try and be true to myself. I am going to try and make choices that align. I know the only thing that holds me back is the fear of what people will think. It’s a pretty silly thing to be worried about as those people aren’t living my life.

Hamish please give me strength to be true to myself.

It is day one of our detox. It has been easier than I imagined. We woke up and were promptly given a funny looking yellow concoction. All I know is that it had turmeric, cayenne pepper, garlic and ginger. Maybe a tiny bit of juice but over the top of the rest of the ingredients you can’t taste the juice. Our next meal is a green juice and then we are off to yoga. The yoga instructor is from Cape Town and he is very spiritual. I get back into my flow. I haven’t really ventured back to yoga since Hamish. For some reason I wasn’t called to go back yet. I wanted to know my body was ready. I feel ready now and the class today felt really good.

Two more juices and a coconut later we are invited to do a Muay Thai boxing class with a world champion. I think why not, give it a go. Greg, myself and our new friend Tabatha head to the class. The boxer is in combat mode as he begins the class. The warm up was fast. Within ten minutes I was kicking the boxer and punching and learning all the stances. It is different to normal boxing. You are moving around with your back foot half off the ground ready to pounce at all times. I have to say I actually felt scared half way through. The boxer started yelling ‘front kick’ ‘front kick’. I couldn’t get what he was saying through his accent. Then Greg yells.. ‘FRONT KICK’. I’m like ahhhhh ok and I kick him with all that I’ve got. One hour later and we finish sparring with a world champion. Let’s just say that might be the first and last time I do Muay Thai!

Hamish thanks for always being there for me 

We left at 8am for our flight to Bangkok. It was a straight forward check in and we were off. It’s always exciting when you take off to a new destination. I’ve been to Bangkok and Phuket before but never to Koh Samui. It’s a beautiful island and I’m sure we will have an amazing time. It is time for some rest and relaxation. Time for Greg and I to reconnect to ourselves and each other. Time for us to have away from Sydney and embrace this beautiful island paradise.

We are doing a health detox for seven days then a week of a normal holiday after that. I am a bit nervous as I’ve never detoxed or cleansed for more than a day. We have yoga and meditation daily and lots of other fun activities. Three juices a day and vegetable broth is what is on the menu. It’s going to be interesting to see how we feel after a week of this. I am a bit worried we will try and run away after a few days. We will give in and just go and eat some food. I am going to try and stick to it though. I have been eating very clean in the lead up knowing that it would be tougher to detox if I didn’t. Greg on the other hand has been drinking coffee everyday leading up so he might have a hard time coming off it. The first time we went to a health retreat he hated the first two days then by the third he loved it. I will report back and let you know how we are going tomorrow.

Hamish thanks for allowing us time to explore a new place and have some time out. 

Tonight I sat in circle with my sisters. I am going to share with you what came up on my goddess circle meditation.

I walked through the temple and saw a gold ball of light shining in front of me. The gold light washed across me and shined across the whole temple. I looked up and saw Mother Mary wearing a blue cape standing before me. She looked at me with open arms. After spending some time in prayer with her another Mary appeared. It was Mary Magdalene in red. She had a different energy about her. One that activated my ovaries and womb. I could feel them tingle in her presence. There were parts of me that didn’t want to be seen. I was worried she would have thought I have failed. She embraced me with her magenta cape and gave me her goddess strength. Strength to be myself. Strength to  move forward in my new life.

She carried me through the temple, holding me. I can see her holding me as a baby. She told me she has been with me since I was born. Mary Magdalene wants me to live the life I know I was always meant to. She wants me to listen to my inner voice and trust it. She wants me to trust her. She wants me to trust myself. She wants me to allow and embody the goddess within in everything I do. She will always be here for me. ALWAYS. Never leaving my side. I the power within to impact so many with my heart and my words. They need to be shared. This is what she was preparing me for. All the trials and tragedy to be able to be who I really am. To embody every cell as the goddess I know I am. To allow others to receive my gifts. For me to receive gifts from others. This is my time and I will call for her support whenever I need it.

A few weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night after seeing a woman in a red cape. From what I know now she was Mary Magdalene. I don’t know much about her but tonight she came to me again and I know I want to know more. 

Thank you Hamish for allowing mummy to get to know her goddess within