Author: Jodie Matthews

Tonight I attended a book launch in the city for Rebecca Campbell. It wasn’t your average book launch. I wasn’t expecting it to be. I didn’t really have any expectations. I read Rebecca’s book, ‘Rise Sister Rise’ a few months ago and I resonated so much with it. It was like she had written the book for me. When I saw she was visiting Sydney I jumped at the opportunity to get tickets. Within half an hour 280 women and a few men are in a standing meditation. We are pouring source energy in through our crown chakra and down through to the earth. We then bring the energy from the centre of the earth back up through each of our chakras. Three minutes into the meditation I started feeling dizzy and sick. I have never felt like this before and I didn’t know if I wanted to be sick or to faint. I sat down as everyone continued to stand. I wondered if I hadn’t been grounded for so long and it was what I needed. When I saw Nancy the intuitive a couple of months ago she mentioned to me that, I should try and ground myself, in my meditations each day. Since Hamish was born I have had the urge to know what else is out there. I wanted so badly to connect with spirit and to become more intuitive. While doing this over the past ten months though I think I started to lose my connection to earth. I decided tonight I will try and do more grounding meditations and spend a bit more time connected to earth.

I love you my boy. 

Sundays lately have been one of my favourite days to slow down and spend time with my loved ones. Tonight we had my sister and brother over for dinner. It was so nice to hang out and catch up. Earlier in the day Greg and I went wandering around Bondi and watched the surfers out in the distance. It was a beautiful winter morning, a little chilly but very sunny. We walk past couples carrying their babies or pushing them along in prams. I know it won’t be far off until that is us again. It is hard though to be patient. It is hard to accept that could of been us but it isn’t. I know our path is the way it is meant to be. As painful as it seems, I know our little man is resting peacefully. He is weaving his magic in the spirit world and still here on earth. It makes me very proud, when I think of the impact Hamish has had on us and those around us. I love that he helped me write the book to share with other parents going through loss. I love that he wanted me to write this blog from the day he left. It is hard to believe we are over three hundred days in. I am forever blessed to have his spirit watching over me always.

I love you. 

We spent the morning doing a tour of a local farmers market with my personal trainer. It was a really nice time to meet the farmers and makers behind the stalls. I learned so much about the foods I should be eating more of, and why we should try and buy spray free vegetables and fruit. I know part of the key to good health is what we put in our body. I have always had a love, hate relationship with food. I have always tried to eat the right things but I do have a sweet tooth. Lately I have had the time to cook nourishing meals most nights. I generally feel better when I am eating less processed foods. I also find when I am cooking my food it is healthier as I know what has gone into it. When I eat out I don’t fully know what has gone into my food. My friend also reminds me that whoever cooks our food can instil their energy into it. So if you have an angry chef making your food, that could lead to you ingesting that angry energy. I also believe this is the case when eating meat, as you don’t know the trauma the animal has gone through as it has died to make your food. I choose to not eat meat for ethical reasons but I also believe that this is another reason to not eat it. I am reminded today to keep pouring love into the food that I cook each day.

I hope you can feel the love we are sending you today. 

I spent the morning walking along the beach with two of my soul sisters. We went to see an local aboriginal art exhibition and then went for a peaceful walk. I do pinch myself sometimes when I get to spend my days doing things that I love. The thing is I spent so many years doing things out of obligation, feeling trapped in a job I didn’t love that I almost feel bad sometimes for having a good time. I know this sounds ridiculous but it is true. I didn’t always hate my job I just didn’t feel one hundred percent aligned with what I was doing. I knew there was more out there for me. I knew I could be using my strengths in so many more ways to help others. I have been looking into where I want my business to go next and how I can make the biggest impact. I have all the ideas and not much focus at the moment. I know it will come though. When it does I will just know. I have to trust I am going through this icky in-between phase for growth. Just because I am not moving forward and one hundred miles and hour doesn’t mean I am going backwards. I remind myself each day that where I am is exactly where I am meant to be.

I wish I could give you a hug right now. Instead I will just gaze into your beautiful face in the photo frame next to your urn. 

I am feeling a lot of love today. Greg worked from home and we went out for a long lunch. It was nice to hang out during the week together. Although working at opposite ends of the dining table isn’t always ideal. I was on a video webinar with my mastermind group and Lorraine was specifically speaking to me while Greg is in the background making faces and dancing around, trying to get my attention. I told him that he needs to take my business seriously and if I am on a call, I can’t talk a the same time. Greg is also very loud on the phone, I don’t know whether it is just when he is on a mobile but it seems like he is always shouting down the phone. These are just a couple of things I’ve noticed today while we have both sat down to work. There are far more things though that I love about Greg, that don’t bother me. He is very kind and is always looking out for me. He is very caring and protective. He is one of my biggest cheerleaders and will always listen to my crazy ideas. He is much more patient than I am and also a very good when under pressure. We are sometimes the yin and the yang. I think the one thing that keeps us going so well is that we are both so open and honest with each other. We don’t hide from having difficult conversations. We tell each other what is going on. We also have our own interests and also some things that we both love. The last year has tested our relationship more than ever before. I know it will always be a work in progress but I am happy to say that we have made it through stronger and more united.

I love you and your Daddy so much. 

My heart is feeling a bit sad today. I am so grateful for the life I have now. Some days though I just feel a little down. I know this will pass. It is ok for me to feel down. I think the down days are much more far and few between compared to the first few months, after Hamish was born. It is easy for me to fall back into old habits, where I tell myself to harden up and be stronger. It isn’t weak though to feel your feelings. It is crazy that it took me thirty three years to figure that out. I had to have my life turned upside down for me to realise how I wanted to live. How life is a rollercoaster. You can’t just stay at one even pace and just feel ok. Some days will be easier than others. I am allowing myself to cry when I need to. Feel down and just be in this sadness. I know it is just natural for me to feel this way. I am done with trying to always fix it. Some days I even google how to get through grief? How to grieve properly? The reality is we all grieve differently. We all have different feelings and there isn’t a right way to go about it.

Sending you so much love today. Thinking of you always. 

10 months without you today

I miss you so much

I wish I could give you a kiss and cuddle today

Instead I look into the ocean and send you my love

I hope it is felt across this earthly plain

In to that place that you live

I know you are still near

I know you are watching over us and keeping us safe

I feel your love each day

I will continue to for the rest of my life

I go to sleep thinking of you. In my dreams I am going on a big holiday. I wonder whether it is to meet you. I am running late for the airport and I miss my plane. The feeling of missing something is very strong and disappointing  I feel helpless like I can’t change what has happened. I feel like I am at a big stop sign and there is no going through it. I feel like I am lost. The last few months I have been dreaming each night. I remember some vividly. One in particular you were in my womb, kicking away, I could see you. I wish I could have cherished those moments more. I know I did all I could during our time together to be present. Sometimes I wonder if I could have connected with you more. I miss you everyday. I find it hard now to remember what life was like before you came along. I have changed so much. I have come back to my truth.  

Sundays always remind me of Hamish. I woke up this morning and went to the markets to get our fresh produce for the week. I love lazy Sundays where there is no place to be or go. I ate a nourishing brunch of delicious grilled broccolini and corn fritters. We then headed home to relax. I am tired after a rather late night. I have an afternoon nap and remind myself, that it’s ok to keep taking things slowly. The pace of my life has changed dramatically. This time last year I was working around a ten hour day and then spending every waking hour on the weekends ‘doing something’. I like how our life is a little slower now. I like that I have time to breathe more. I love how I can eat slowly. I have the concentration to finish a book, to watch a movie. I am not in a rush to get somewhere or see someone. I am going to do my best to keep this pace of living. What I think it truly comes down to is protecting my time and energy. Valuing it more and knowing I don’t have to be everything to everyone. That is one of the biggest lessons I learnt from Hamish. It is ok to take time out to fill up my cup first. It is ok to put my self care first. I am a better mother, wife and friend when I do this.

I love you my boy. 

I had a friends 50th birthday tonight. I had a good time celebrating and keeping warm. I think I might of eaten half my body weight in cheese. At the party I connected with an amazing mother who inspires me so much. She also has a baby that was born a week after Hamish. This precious little guy was given into her care for her to foster. It wasn’t planned but due to family circumstances she became mother to this special boy not long after he was born. She has children that are now heading into their teens and wasn’t expecting this. So there I was speaking with someone who became a mother unexpectedly the same week I became one too and lost my little guy. There were tears as I looked at her and told her my story. I was in awe of her courage and love that she gave her little one. You never know what could happen and how your life can be turned upside down in an instant. It is how you cope with that change or event that defines you.

Hamish I love you so much