Author: Jodie Matthews

Today I attended my friend Kris’s intuition workshop. It was interesting as I had never thought that much about where our intuition came from. I thought it was just a thing we have. A feeling that guides us. I thought it was partly our gut instinct, our heart and our souls voice. What I learned though is that our subconscious mind is the main place our intuition comes from. Our gut instinct comes from our unconscious mind. The deep part of our mind which holds our childhood memories that we can’t instantly recall. Our intuition is connected to our heart space. It is made up of the beliefs we have and is also connected to our five senses. When we have a feeling something is off or our intuition is telling us to watch out it means something from our past has triggered a warning for us. Our intuition can read energy and let us know whether we should trust someone. It can subconsciously know when someone is lying to us. I love that our intuition can lead us down a path that is more aligned. I believe that our gut instinct keeps us safe, our intuition nudges us towards what we know is good for us, our logical mind wants us to do what seems best according to our surroundings. I have followed my intuition more in the last nine months than ever before in my life. I have been leading an intuitive life day to day. Throughout my grieving I would ask my heart what it needed each day. I also asked my heart what it wanted me to do for work? Whether accounting was for me anymore? Whether I was ready to jump into my own business. While it wasn’t the easy option I know I made the right choice trusting my intuition.

Keep guiding me towards listening to my intuition little one. I know you came to help me tune in more and live a more enriched life. 

Today I feel so connected to my truth. I had a chai with a new friend. I went to meet another friend for lunch and dinner. I feel surrounded by love today. I have made Friday my freedom day. I can work on my business if I want to but generally it is my day to do whatever I please. When I designed my schedule I decided to make it exactly how I wanted it. My ego said you can’t just work four days a week, you will never be successful. I knew though in my heart right now four days is what is right for me. I am through the heavy stages of grieving. I am feeling so much more lighter. My health however is a priority. I want to have balance in my days. I want to feel energised and also free. My inner child says why don’t you just get a job. Then my intuition says no. This is the time to work on your creative projects, your passions, serving. It is your time to explore and discover what really lights you up. Before Hamish I never gave myself much time to do this. Now I feel like I am peeling back the layers of myself and remembering who I really am. Who I am without the corporate job. Who I am without the titles. Who I am as me. Not as a friend, wife or sister. Just me. Who is this person? Who does she want to be? How does she want to serve others and herself? How does she want to show up in the world each day? What are her values? What is really important?

Hamish I am forever grateful for this time you have given me. Time is one of the most valuable resources we have. You have given me time to discover who I really am. 

I am nervous today as the article I did with my local paper has just come out. I am sitting in a café and too afraid to read it here so ill read it when I get home. I feel lucky that I can spread awareness of stillbirth and also start a conversation about it. It is great that I can also promote the ‘Navigating Baby Loss‘ eBook to get it out to families that need it. Stillbirth and infant loss are such a taboo topics in our society. People don’t like talking about babies dying. The problem is though that it is a reality for so many families each year. The more we talk about it the easier it is for these families to heal. To feel like they are not ostracised from society while grieving. Some parents may only want to talk with close friends and family about it which is fine. I just believe more needs to be done to make it acceptable to talk openly about. When I say that “I have a son, but he died” I get so many different reactions. Sometimes a sad look and silence. Sometimes a dismissal and being told “Well I don’t want to upset you so I won’t ask anything”. Sometimes when someone says “I am sorry for your loss, if you want to talk about it I would love to hear about your son” they have made my day. Just acknowledging the loss is so appreciated. I will continue to speak up about stillbirth and also how I am moving through my grief each day.

Thank you Hamish for giving me so much strength

I am feeling so tired on this new moon. I feel like lying in bed all day but I am not going to do that. It is well and truly winter here. It feels like Antarctica sometimes in my apartment. Maybe that it is a bit of an over exaggeration but it is freezing cold. I do have heating though it seems to take forever to heat the place up. I finished putting together the outline for my meditation workshop I am running in a couple of weeks and I did a bit of writing. Some days I get more done than others. I am trying to stay motivated but today my enthusiasm is waning. I decided to try the Pomodoro technique of using twenty minute sessions of productivity. I set a timer and off I went. I actually got sh*t done today. I think this is just what I needed. I feel like curling up with my book and reading it for the rest of the afternoon. Then I remind myself I can do that if I want. I cooked us a nourishing dinner and then went to read my book. I had a long chat with my soul sister who has moved to the country. It was so nice to catch up on where we are both at in our lives. How we are going with the flow all while manifesting the things we want in our lives. I love having soulful chats with my friends. I also love getting out and about and connecting with people in person. I have a lot of that this weekend coming up. I have my gorgeous friend Kris’s workshop and another soul sisters birthday dinner which I can’t wait to go to!

I love you Hamish

I am feeling good today. I feel hopeful for everything that is happening in our life. I am present in the moment. It is easy for me to think of the future or go over the past. I am trying my best though to be grateful for each moment. I listened to another one of Oprah’s super soul conversations today and it really struck a chord in my heart. It was with a pro basketball player Jay Williams who was playing for the Bulls until he had a bad motorcycle accident. They were talking about what it is like to reminisce and think of the ghost of ‘what could have been’. His career was over after the accident and he lost his multimillion dollar contract which then led to him spiralling into a deep depression. It made me think of all the times in the past nine months where I thought of what life would be like if Hamish was here. Of how he would be crawling now. Of how he would be eating food and talking by now. All of the milestones that he has missed out on. Going over what could have been is not going to help me though. I will still do it from time to time. I know in my heart though Hamish is up above doing bigger work than he could ever done while being here. I do believe that he will continue to live through Greg and I. His essence will show throughout the work we do and how we contribute to the world. How we communicate with others. How we show love to each other and the rest of the people in our lives.

I love you my boy. I will always listen out for you. I will make you proud.

I spent the day reading and relaxing. I am still engrossed in Constance Hall’s book. It is reminding me that anyone can do anything. Constance self published both of her best selling books. She bought a house with the proceeds of her first book and has worked towards giving her family financial stability. I have thought a lot in the passing months about what money really means to me. I call myself a mindful money coach, but what does that actually mean? To me it means I help people have a better relationship with money. I help people focus less on accumulating money to buy stuff and more towards having money to spend time doing the things they love. I believe that financial stress can cause quite a lot of pain in your life. Having a level of security and financial safety can increase your happiness. Being able to put a meal on the table each night and a roof over your head feels good. Being able to cover your bills with no worries also feels good. Being in a constant merry-go-round of credit card repayments, late bill payments and living week to week is no fun. I want to empower more women to not only own they money story but take charge of it. I want to help others live within their means, be mindful with how they spend money and also feel like they are not burdened by their financial situation. I am still figuring out the best way to do this through my coaching and writing.

I had a well paying job that I worked very hard for. The pay off was stress, long hours and working in a very masculine environment. All for my monthly pay check. I didn’t hate my job but I certainly didn’t love it. If I had to look at one more spreadsheet with 3 million formulas I think I was ready to lose my mind. I was always good with numbers. I could calculate things quickly. I was good at getting things done. I was a fast paced finance manager moving from meeting to meeting, crunching our monthly reports from project to project all while trying to make sure my team is on track with their responsibilities. I loved that I had financial security and all my hard work was paying off. What I didn’t realise though is that I kept planning big expensive holidays to make up for all the hard work and stress I was under. I would say to myself it’s ok if I run myself into the ground as I have ‘X’ holiday to look forward too. After giving birth to Hamish I realised that I stayed in this job because of fear. My inner child was so scared of having nothing or ending up in debt again like I was in my twenties that it didn’t want me to leave this safe, secure job. I realised though that fear is just a feeling that I needed to work through. I needed to remind myself that I could work in a business or job that brought me joy. I could use my talents to serve people. I used to believe my job title made me successful. Now I know that is a bunch of BS. I know that I still want a level of financial security but I will not compromise my happiness and live in fear for it.

Hamish I know you will always watch over us and make me feel safe

Nine months since you were born. I wish I could be holding you this morning. Instead I wake up with intense back pain. I strained my back inbetween baths, nappie changes and piggy backs on Friday and Saturday morning. I think I had already pushed it this week with the advanced aerial yoga class. Did I mention I am still a beginner. I feel exhausted and I’m taking it easy today. I don’t feel like leaving the house as it’s freezing cold and also raining. Lucky Greg is ok to venture out and get my favourite avocado on toast and chai. It helps to ease my pain a little. I feel loved today. I also feel a new chapter is coming in our lives. I feel like we are starting to stumble in a new direction. Nine months of grieving and now we are moving forward. My heart still aches it just feels different now. It feels like I can get up and go. Face the world and hopefully bring in another precious soul soon. I also intend to keep birthing my creative gifts. I will show up and share what I can. I am done with trying to fit in. I am going to do things my way. I have been reading Constance Halls new book ‘Still a Queen’ and I can say I never really started following her until recently. I saw a Facebook live she did in a group I am a part of. This lady has no f**ks to give. She shows up as her vulnerable self and is unapologetically Constance. I admire her for this and I am inspired to do the same.

Happy 9 months my dear angel baby. You are so loved. You are in our hearts each moment of every day. We love you more than anything.

Yesterday was filled with laughter and play. We walked to the shops in the afternoon for hot chocolates. Then had to power walk home as the rain sprinkled down. I cooked them a nice dinner and we all got to enjoy it when Greg and Ryan arrived from work. Life is pretty sweet. Kirrily is almost six months old. I can hardly believe how the time is flying by. I feel blessed to be able to get lots of cuddles. Last night I read Larissa her favourite books before bed and then we had a singalong of her favourite tunes. Normally I sing and dance holding her before I put her down. This time Larissa sung with me! We started with ABCs then twinkle twinkle, her favourite popcorn song then incy wincy spider.

Besides my quick run in with the highway patrol and speeding ticket, I had a really lovely day today. I went to the Hunter Valley for my lovely soul sisters bridal shower. It was a house filled with love and hope. I felt so blessed to be there, to laugh and enjoy everyone’s company. It reminded me of how important it is to share quality time with the women in my life. My heart was full and I felt the magic from the land around us. The vineyards went for miles. The kangaroos hopping through the vines. The rain slowly dropping down on the green fields. After a long drive home I decided Thai food and a red wine is what was needed. Greg and I shared a nice takeaway meal laughing at silly things that had happened during the past week. I needed to smile tonight. For him to tell me it was all going to be ok. I miss Hamish and I know things would be different if he was here. I keep reminding myself though he is here. He is always watching over us wherever we may go.

Hamish I love you my sweet son.

My heart feels lighter today. I am looking forward to cuddles from my two nieces. They light up my day whenever I am around them. My two year old niece Larissa’s personality is shining through as she can communicate more with her words. I am so present when we spend time together. My heart feels full of love when I am around them. I also went for coffee with my mum today. It was nice to connect with her on a different level with just the two of us. I know her heart aches for me. I know she is still very sad from losing her first grandson. I also know everything is going to be ok. I know Hamish is looking down over all of us. I am grateful for the time we spend together. Things haven’t always been easy between us. Each conversation I feel like I get to know her better. During my childhood I sometimes found it hard to connect as she didn’t want to open up to us. Now being a mother myself I have more empathy for what it was like for her bringing up four children. How that motherly love knows no bounds. I know she would do anything for us if she could. I know how much she wants to see us all happy in our lives.

Hamish I love you to the moon and back

Tonight was spent flying upside down and trying to navigate my way around the yoga hammock in my aerial class. I turned up and the teacher looked at me a little funny. She asked if ‘I knew this was an advanced class?’ ‘No I didn’t realise that’ I replied. For the next hour I walked, jumped, flipped and inverted my body in several crazy ways. I tried my best but I knew I shouldn’t push it too much. I am one of those people that when I try something new I want to be really good at it. Like straight away. I know that practice makes perfect and I need to keep practicing my technique. Quite a bit of aerial yoga is also focussed on upper body strength which I don’t have much of. I am working on it though each week I have been getting stronger. As it comes closer to Hamish’s nine month anniversary I am feeling like I am closer to my normal self again. I can wear my skinny jeans and do a little more than I could before. It took nine months to grow him and it has taken around nine months to feel like my body is almost back to where it was strength wise. I feel like my mental wellness has improved with my physical wellness. The strength I now have from regular training and moving my body each day has served me well.

Hamish I love you so much. I am grateful I got to carry you in my womb for nine months.