Day 146

Greg arrived yesterday so we had one more night together in Bryon before driving home. We woke up early and walked down to the beach. We walked to the end of the beach and then sat and meditated on the sand. What was beautiful about this is Greg’s willingness to give it a go. I know it was hard for him to sit still but he did his best. We then got a coffee and chai from this beautiful beach café. A lady who ordered before us sat down next to me with her cute little boy in her arms. He looked about the same age as Hamish would be. I asked ‘How old is your little one?’ ‘Oh just five months today’ she replied. My heart sank but also felt joy for this little boys life as he would have been born only a few days before Hamish. The mum then told me ‘he was born premature and very small. He has put on five kilos and much healthier now’. I just reply ‘that is so reassuring’. I didn’t share my story with her. I just felt lost with words. I have this social anxiety now that comes over me. It is more about me worrying about what people think if I tell them.

I seriously feel awkward bumping into people I know if I haven’t seen them since Hamish left. I ran into an old work friend from New Zealand of all places last week. She asked where my baby was. I spent some time in the office in Auckland when I was five months pregnant. My eyes and head dropped. I don’t know what to say other than he died. My little Hamish died. He isn’t with us physically anymore. Now I am emotionally and mentally accepting of his passing. It is still hard though to tell people. It is still hard to walk down the street and have someone come up and ask where my baby is? I wish I could say he is at home and someone is looking after him. I know Hamish came here to make me stronger and I am doing my best each day to honour that.

Hamish why did you have to go so soon???

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful life coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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