Day 38

Hamish was always going to be my perfect little angel. I stare at photographs of him and it reminds me of how beautiful he was inside and out. It reminds me that his beautiful soul is still with me each day. I got a call from the lady making Hamish’s Porcelain urn saying that it had collapsed in the kiln and she had to remake it. I wondered if this was a message from Hamish saying he wanted his ashes scattered. We want to eventually scatter them in to the ocean as we know this is one of his happy places.

While pregnant I spent a lot of time swimming in the ocean, lying in the sand and going for lots of long beach walks. Hamish would love it when I would float along with the waves. I always felt so connected to him when I was close to the water. When a loving new friend sent a quilt her mum had handmade for Hamish with dolphins on it I knew he had whispered to her that’s what he wanted.

I know Hamish is gently guiding me each day. I feel his presence but I miss him physically so much. His big kicks and squirms in my belly. The time we would have together each night before I went to sleep. Greg and I would always talk to our little buddy. Telling him about what life was going to be like. Telling him how much we loved him and couldn’t wait to see his face. Telling him that mummy and daddy were so excited for cuddles and that he had come at the perfect time.

The love we felt between the three of us was so strong. An unbreakable bond was being developed and I know our little Hamish felt safe with us as his parents. We travelled across the country and all the way over to New Zealand during my pregnancy. We even hiked up Mount Maunganui. I know that Hamish helped me get up that mountain. I know he felt the crisp coastal air through his bones. I know he was at peace in my womb. I wrote in a pregnancy journal most days too. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to open and read it. I will treasure it though and when I am ready I will spend some quite time going over each of the pages.

Thank you Hamish for making our family of two into three. You will forever be our precious son.

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful life coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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