Today the memory box above arrived which I ordered for Hamish. This is where I will be putting the precious items that belong to Hamish. Photos, locks of his hair, his hospital tag, his last jumpsuit he was wearing before we changed him into his kilt, a special bunny, a cardigan grandma knitted for him, his birth certificate, footprints and handprints, a candle from his funeral. All of these ‘things’ are what I have physically left of my little one.
I will treasure each memory I have of Hamish. The moment we found out I was pregnant, the first ultrasound at five weeks where we could see his heart beating strong, finding out at 10 weeks we were having a little boy, countless days spent at the beach, swimming in the ocean, speaking on stages, working in my corporate job where I created a loving environment in my office for Hamish including essential oils, a himalayan salt lamp and crystals. Yoga and PT sessions outside, lots of loving Aunties and Uncles whom I had lots of conversations with on what we thought Hamish was going to be like as he grew up.
The day of his birth. The joy when his head finally came out after 2 hours of pushing. The moment he was placed on my chest for me to look down in awe at my beautiful son. The joy I felt seeing his daddy hold him for the first time. The sadness I felt when the delivery room was silent. The moment my social worker asked if I wanted to give my son a bath. The Heartfelt photographer who came in and took family photos for us. The moment my family and close friends came to meet him at the hospital. The moment my 87 year old Pop held him in his safe and comforting arms. The moment I walked into my sons funeral holding him in my arms. The moment I said goodbye and goodnight. The moment Greg and I walked up to the end of the Chapel and laid his woollen nest down and watched as the curtains closed. This was it. Our final goodbye. A small part of me knew though in that moment it was only the beginning and Hamish would be in our lives forever.
Hamish I will always remember each of these precious moments.
I Am Still Born 