I miss my little man so much. I wake up at 6am and decide another big walk on the beach is what we need. We get ready and head down to the beach. Watching the waves roll in is so soothing. Each step I take I think about another set of footprints beside me. I wonder what it would be like going for beach walks as a family. I have a vision of Hamish as a toddler wanting to run off down the beach. He is a free spirit and is laughing as he runs towards the water lapping up to us on the sand.
I turn and look at Greg and grab him for a cuddle. I still can’t believe this is our life now. I still can’t believe what has happened. He says “It is all going to be ok Mummy”. “Don’t ever forget your a Mum and while Hamish isn’t here physically we are still his parents.” His words comfort me but the more I think about motherhood the more it just makes me sad.
We pack our stuff up and set off for the day. We drive to our favourite café here called ‘The Farm’. It is a gorgeous farm with freshly grown produce used in the café. We both order some eggs and avocado on toast. Once breakfast is finished I go to check my phone. I have been checking my emails daily for the Heartfelt photographer to send through the professional photos of us with Hamish. I get the link for our photos but another email also comes through. It is from the funeral directors with their bill and asking if we would like to keep or scatter our sons ashes. It contains a bunch of links to buy different types of urns. There is also an option to buy a teddy bear that holds his ashes. I couldn’t think of anything worse. I don’t want his ashes in a teddy. It brings me back to reality. The reality that the first thing I am buying for my newborn son is an urn for his ashes.
We leave the café and head to Crystal Castle. It has peaceful gardens filled with statues and crystals from all around the world. There is also a Kalachakra Stupa, a rare sacred monument created to protect against negative energies. I pray for Hamish and think of his soul while we walk around the Stupa. I also spend some time sitting in front of the stone blessing budda. I am thankful for all I have in my life and am thankful for the 9 months I got to know Hamish.
Every kick, every roll, every thought I had while you were in my womb was filled with joy. I felt like I was the most healthiest and happiest pregnant woman. I felt so vibrant and loved while you were in my belly.
We leave the gardens to go to our next accommodation which is in 45 acres of rainforest which then faces on to a beautiful beach a few km’s out of the main town. Once checked in, I head to a wellness centre down the road I visited last time we were here 5 months earlier. I have booked in for a Qigong healing and acupuncture session. I know Katrina who runs it with her husband as we connected the last time I visited. She knows what has happened as she follows my Instagram. I walk in broken. After the healing I feel a little light headed. I wander back to the resort. I know I need to channel more Qi into my being to help with my healing. I still feel empty but as each day goes by things are starting to get better.
I Am Still Born 