We get up at 5am and walk down to the beach to wait for the sunrise. It is so beautiful and I thank my blessings for being alive and here right now. I feel sad but grateful. I watch the waves roll in. We sit on the cold sand watching the sun rise up from the horizon. It happens quicker than I expect and within around 10 minutes the hot Virgo sun is beaming down on us. I write Hamish’s name in the sand and just pray that he is in a better place. One part of my mind is like everything happens for a reason then the other part is like what f**king reason would my son die just before he was born? Why does it have to be this way? How can I be a mum and not be a mum? How can I move on from this? Why is life so cruel sometimes?
We go for a big walk up and down the beach. I know these thoughts are not helping me so I try and think more positively. I know that no one is to blame in this situation and I also know it is not going to do me any good to keep going over how things could have turned out differently. We decide to go in to town for a massage and to have our tarot cards read. I go for my reading first and it takes me 30 minutes to tell the lady all I really want to know is about is children. Is Hamish ok? Will there be more children in my future? It turns out the Tarot card reader is a trained grief and loss counsellor and our session turns into more of a chat about life and loss. She lets me know some great ways to work through my loss as well as reading my cards. She also tells me I would be a great counsellor and social worker. It gets me thinking.
The tarot card reader also wrote down a book we should read that might help us through our healing process. It is called ‘Journey of Souls’. I go and find the book at the local book store and start reading it as soon as we are back at the resort. It talks about our souls journey. I know that we are all guided in some ways in our lives and I feel like Hamish’s soul will be a guide for us for many years to come.