I wake up at 6am. I slept. Hurrah for the first time in a week I slept a whole night through. I can hear the waves crashing in the distance and our cabin is so peaceful. We are nestled in the bush right near the beach. I roll over and kiss Greg. Going through what we have in the last 8 days has definitely brought us closer. While we might grieve in different ways and be going through this experience in different ways I feel so supported by him. I know the pressure of keeping it strong has been getting to him. I know we can get through this together. We will just take one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
We decide to go and lie by the pool for a while. I sit there with the sun beaming down on me and wonder how I can be grateful for this day. I know I am lying in paradise but at the same time it feels so wrong for doing it. I feel like I should be in the foetal position crying my eyes out. Instead here I am at the pool of a beautiful resort and soaking up the sun. I look up to the sky and think of my boy. I wonder how we got here. How just over one week ago life was completely different. It feels like a rug was dragged from under us and now we have to get back up and just get on with it.
I decide to go spend some time alone on the beach. I sit in the sand and just weep for my little boy. I love him with all my heart. I start to go through my whole pregnancy again in my head thinking what could have been done differently. I google about a million different things around stillbirth. I search for answers. So many babies lost so many with no explanation. Knowing that the cord is what took Hamish kind of gives us some peace but at the same time it is so cruel knowing that. It was the one thing that was supposed to be giving him life.