My first week of motherhood is not how I expected it to be. I thought I would be knee deep in nappies, breastfeeding and endless cuddles. The only thing that is the same as what I expected is the lack of sleep. Not from being woken up by a little one. Instead I lie each night in my bed in complete silence. I can’t get to sleep no matter what I try.
I have to get packing. We are flying out today to Byron Bay which is my happy place. I love being close to the ocean and even though my doctor and midwife advise against swimming for 6 weeks, just being able to put my feet in the ocean will be soothing for me. I do wonder how I can pull myself together and get on a plane but I know staying in my apartment another night will not be good for me.
Just before my flight one of my goddess friends comes over and drops another hamper of food and flowers. I sit with her and tell her my story. Being quite intuitive she tells me she channelled Hamish’s soul and spent some time with him on Friday. This gives me a little more peace hearing he is part of my soul family and in a past life he may have been my grandfather. I feel his nurturing presence and I know my little Hamish had a purpose for this life and it will keep unfolding through Greg and I.
Another comforting story was the midwife who discovered Hamish had no heartbeat also saw a little blonde blue eyed toddler sitting on the midwifes station in the middle of the birthing ward while I was being induced. She came to tell me a day after his birth. I knew it must of been him. Watching over us as we went through his birth. I also had a dream that he came to me when I was dozing in and out of sleep on the second night after he was born. He came to me and stroked my face and said “Don’t worry Mummy it is all going to be ok”.
Hamish wherever your soul is now know that Mummy and Daddy love you more each day.
I Am Still Born 