The funeral director arrives at the hospital and it’s time for us to make a move. I pick my little boy up in his kilt and cuddle him to my body. We walk straight out of the maternity ward into a secret staff lift down to the bottom floor of the hospital. They let us out the back loading dock and we get into the funeral car. I hold Hamish in my arms for the 30 minute drive to the Chapel. There is nothing I want more than to just close my eyes and wake up from this nightmare.
I know we are going to make Hamish proud but it just hurts so much. We walk into his funeral together with all my family and friends standing up. Last time I walked down the aisle was our wedding 3 years prior. I feel Hamish’s presence and know he is in a good place.
The service starts with Eric Clapton ‘Tears in Heaven’ then the lovely celebrant starts the introduction. Both Greg and I get up and speak. Greg reads a beautiful letter he wrote to Hamish 2 months earlier. I stand next to him proud knowing he is such a loving Daddy.
I then read something I wrote in the hospital the day before.
Hamish you have brought so much joy and happiness into our lives in your short little life
We love you our boy and you are so precious
Your love has been felt and your mummy and daddy will always celebrate you and love you
Our little angel up in heaven we will always know we can talk to you and feel your presence with us everyday
While words can’t express how sad we feel right now we know you came into our lives for a reason
We will try and find the strength to move forward one step at a time
Missing out on all the firsts is going to be really tough though
Going home from the hospital without you
Celebrating what should have been your first Christmas
Celebrating what should of been our first family holiday
Staying up all night to feed you
Holding you when you cry
Taking you to meet all your loved ones
Taking you for walks in your beautiful pram
Watching you sleep
Singing you lullabies
Seeing you learn to walk
Teaching you how to kick a ball
and ride a bike
All of these things we will never know but know one thing we do know is our hearts will always yearn for you little one
Every year we will celebrate you
Every year we will be grateful for your short life
Every year we will not forget you Hamish Joseph Matthews
Love you always and forever
My life will never be the same, there will always be a piece of my heart that was taken by my little boy.
We are now getting to the end of the service and it’s time to say goodbye. They play Ed Sheeran ‘Small Bump’ as my family and friends come up to his wollen nest where he lays peacefully. They light a candle and put a piece of thistle down next to him. As each of them say their goodbyes they come and give Greg and I a big hug. I see the tears streaming down my friend and families faces and it is heartbreaking.
This is it. Everyone has left the chapel. We have Jack Johnson playing in the background ‘Better Together’. It’s time for us to say goodbye. I stare down at my son surrounded by shining candles knowing he is so loved and he knows it. I cry and lean over him. We blow out the candles and say goodnight. Goodnight seems better than goodbye. We carry him in his nest to the end of the chapel and lay him down. They close the curtains.
Goodnight Hamish you are so so so loved and don’t you forget it.
We then head into town and my friends have organised a little bar where we can all go and have some food and drinks. The last thing I feel like is drinking but to have my friends and family around me means the world. It is so comforting to talk to everyone about what we have been through in the last few days. It makes me realise how much love we have in our lives and how blessed we are. It makes me realise how loved Hamish was in those 9 months.