Day 4

Another restless night with little sleep. The midwives gave me 2 lots of sleeping pills. I take them and they put me to sleep but less than an hour later I am laying wide awake. I can’t possibly sleep. My body is fuelled with adrenaline and I can’t switch off. I have been drinking a lot of water and making sure I eat as I know if I can’t sleep and eat I will probably collapse by the time we make it to Hamish’s funeral today. It’s set for 3:30pm. The dread in my mind is building as I know we will be leaving the hospital today and going straight to the funeral. Once at the funeral the time to say goodbye will be nearing.

My little brother comes in to visit and hold his nephew. It was beautiful to see them together. I know Hamish would have loved his uncle and had many adventure together. Deb is here again and lets us know she has been with another family all night. It breaks my heart to know this is a daily occurrence in Australia. There are 6 stillborn babies in Australia each day and the rate has not reduced in 2 decades. Deb helps us with the final arrangements of the day. We decide to take Hamish for a walk outside in the sunshine. Today is just perfect, the sun is shining bright and it is so warm. I cherish the moments outside with our little boy. The sun shines bright on his face and I see that his hair is blonde. We love you Hamish our little blue eyed, blond hair angel. I weep with happy tears knowing he is where he is supposed to be. I still struggle though holding him.

The hospital pastor comes to see us in the hospital room so we can perform a blessing. I read out a little note that I wrote a month back.

 

Hey lil one

Just wanted to write you a note before you are born. You are coming into a family that will love you unconditionally and will always have your back. We will give you all the love in the world and help you become the best person you can be. Sometimes you might get frustrated with us but we will always have your best interests at heart. Your Dad and I can’t wait to shower you with kisses and hugs and so much love. You never know what life will throw at you but with a grateful and open heart you can do anything. I already know your a super generous person with a big heart. You are compassionate and will always help others where you can. The biggest day of my life is coming up when I give birth to you and I know it’s going to be a freaking amazing day! I will be calm knowing you know what to do and will come into this world with grace and ease. Birthing you will be a joy and I will soak up every moment. 

 

Greg and I put water across his head blessing him with so much love.

In what seems like a big rush we meet the funeral director and have to put little Hamish in his final outfit which is a pride of Scotland kilt. I dress him carefully and wrap him up in his blanket and swaddle. I look down at his cute lips which are the same shape as mine. I look down at his hair and peaceful closed eyes. I cry out as I know it won’t be long till I have to say goodbye to my precious son.

I love you with all my heart Hamish. You will be remembered and I will always live in your honour.

Author: Jodie Matthews

I am a mother, writer, mindful money coach, minimalist and many other things. I love mother nature. I am happiest when I am floating in the ocean. I am a keen traveller and love to explore and discover new places. You can connect with me further on instagram at @jodieleannematthews

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