We got moved yesterday into a maternity room lastnight. While this is daunting to be moved from the birthing suite to the maternity rooms I am happy to be able to get out of the room where Hamish was delivered. Deb brought in a cold cot and set it up in our room. We got to spend the night with Hamish sleeping next to us. While we didn’t get any sleep it was lovely to have him in our room with us. I cherished each minute as it ticked past knowing that the time we would spend with him would be coming to an end shortly. I spent time just looking down at his gorgeous face, stroking his hair and chubby cheeks. Greg and I told him how much love we felt for him. We sung to him and held him close.
The morning came and we had to send him back to be held in the cold room. I got myself out of bed. By this time it has been 4 days since I have slept more that 2 hours. I have a shower and try and deal with the physical pain I am feeling after the labour and the emotional pain that is also taking over my mind and body. I wonder why Hamish choose us as his parents. I wonder why he wanted to touch our lives in this way. I wonder if there is anything else I could have done. I rethink my whole pregnancy in my head. It was picture perfect. No morning sickness, not much tiredness. I felt alive when I was pregnant. I felt so much vitality that I didn’t worry too much about my little boy. I knew each day I woke up feeling wonderful my boy did too. Unfortunately his passing would have only been up to 2 days before I went to hospital. He may have been wrapped in the cord for some time but he was fighting. If only my body had screamed out earlier to tell me what was going on.
By the afternoon my family was back to visit. I also had my friends come in and visit. They all had a turn holding Hamish. Giving him loving cuddles and wishing him all the best in his angel life. I felt so honoured how much love we had around us especially towards our little boy. Hamish was loved by so many. He has so many loving aunts and uncles, grandparents, two great grandparents. My 87 year old Pop came to meet him. This broke my heart as I knew how excited Pop was to meet his first great grandson. He recently had heart surgery which had given him a new lease on life. I knew my Pop would be such a loving influence on our little mans life.
Deb came to see us and we had to finalise the arrangements for Hamish’s funeral. We decided to have it on Wednesday (tomorrow) in the afternoon. I invited family and close friends to farewell him. My lovely sister came in to help us put together an order of service. My other beautiful sister who is just over 6 months pregnant is by my side everyday since we found out our little boy didn’t have a heartbeat. It is comforting to have my family by my side and my loving husband Greg. We plan out his special day and meet with the celebrant. Our celebrant takes notes intently for about an hour on Hamish’s last 9 months. I still pinch myself to see if this is really my reality. Planning my little ones funeral is heartbreaking. We are less than a week away from his due date and I still can’t reconcile how and why this has happened.
I love you Hamish