After a night of lying awake on my hospital bed I am broken. The midwives got an extra hospital bed so Greg could sleep next to me. All I can think about is what I could have done differently. Why did my baby have to die? Why was his time up? I hope he knows how much Mummy and Daddy love him. I want to scream, I want to go to sleep and wake up and pretend this was all just a bad dream. I don’t really know what happens next. I am confused and heart broken.
Our social worker Deb comes into the room. She says we will go get your little boy so you can spend some time with him. She has contacted Heartfelt which is a charity that takes professional photographs of parents with their stillborn babies. I go and have a shower and try and pull myself together to meet my little Hamish again. Deb comes in and puts him in my arms. Our little boy is cold and a bit red. He looks peaceful like he is just in a deep sleep. My arms go to rock my little boy but I know there is no point. With his lifeless body in my arms I feel so much love. It hurts so much but holding him somehow makes me feel more peace during this time.
Deb is a saint. She has a calming presence and speaks so softly to us letting us know what to expect over the next few days. There are lots of decisions to be made. Do we want an autopsy? Do we want to bathe our little one? What do we want to do for his funeral and when? How much time do we want to spend with him in hospital? Who do we want to come meet him? My mind is numb I can barely comprehend what has happened in the last 24 hours. Deb lets us know that Hamish likely died because of the cord wrapped around him and it really would be up to us if we want to investigate further through an autopsy. After much thought Greg and I decide to not go ahead with one. I don’t want his little body to go through anymore trauma.
The heartfelt photographer arrives and takes some beautiful family photos for us. It feels so wrong to be holding Hamish and not being able to see his little eyes open, listen to him cry out and cuddle what would have been his warm body. We have a chance to give little Hamish a bath which at first I thought would be a bit strange but it was lovely. I will never forget being able to hold and wash my little man. There are no words for what your mind goes through after having a stillborn. What is normal? Is spending time with Hamish good for us? My new normal is mourning over my little one and holding him tight.
The love have for you Hamish is infinite.