Our first night at home. I drag myself to bed around midnight and take Hamish’s bunny Buster with me. I cuddle Greg and cry just longing for my little boy. I lie awake most of the night just thinking through all the what ifs. I cant let myself sleep. The adrenaline running through my body is still pumping through every vein. I get out of bed around 6am and just start doing things around the house. I make breakfast, start cleaning and just putting things away. A lovely friend drops over a box of food. She has cooked us a beautiful vegetarian shepard’s pie and minestrone soup. We are super grateful as it means for the next few days we don’t have to think about food as its just there for us.
I look around at our perfect new family home. If there was ever a time in my life that I didn’t give a crap about material things this was it. Greg and I have worked super hard to buy our apartment and to ensure we have financial security for our family. The funny thing is none of that matters anymore. I would give up anything to have Hamish back. I had a tough childhood and the one thing I have always worked towards as an adult is to not have to worry too much about things like having a roof over my head and food on the table each night. Nothing matters anymore. The only thing I want right now is to hold my little boy.
I Am Still Born 