I Am Still Born

I went back to yoga this morning and it felt really good. We started with a meditation which was just what I needed. We then moved into some gentle poses and stretched our bodies. I am glad I am starting to feel more like myself now. I have energy to do a bit more. I spent the afternoon just chilling out at home. Greg and I needed this time out. Our relationship has grown so much in the past six months. I sometimes feel though we need to put our phones away and connect more. It is so easy to get stuck in a social media, meme, video vortex. Tonight we decided to watch a movie together. No phones allowed. It was called ‘Like Father’ on Netflix and it was actually really good. It was pretty light hearted film but also a good reminder that work isn’t everything. That we need to put our family and our relationships first. There are times in life when you do need to work hard. I still believe though that you can maintain your most important relationships by simply being present. When you are in their company just listen without distractions. Being where we are physically is something a lot of us can easily forget how to do. I am determined this week to be where I actually am at all times.

Thank you for bringing so much more presence into my life

We are celebrating my sisters birthday tonight and I decided to bake a birthday cake to also reveal the gender to my family. It is an exciting time and I am grateful to share this moment with them. The anticipation of waiting for the cake to be cut was so funny. My niece in particular kept saying ‘Cake, Cake, Cake’. I think though as it was mainly because she wanted to eat some. I felt so much joy tonight. I felt so much love in that room. We were at the old Chinese restaurant I used to frequent in my childhood. It was surreal being back there again. I spent lots of time cuddling my smallest niece who is only seven months old. I love spending time with her. She doesn’t smile often, tonight I managed to get lots of smiles out of her! I guess it depends on her mood. She is a deep thinker and really takes her surrounding in. I can’t wait to see the personality of our little one. I connected with Hamish lots before he left us. I knew he was warm, generous and loving. This baby is encouraging me to have more stillness in my life, to dive deeper into meditation and to ground. This baby loves it when I am sitting on the grass or a rock in the sun. It is amazing how we can tune in to our unborn children before they come. I will continue to notice and take in signs my baby and body is giving me.

I love you Hamish. Thank you for sharing your love with me. I can feel it each day.

Tonight we went to see the sequel of Mamma Mia. It wasn’t on the top of Greg’s must watch list but being the lovely husband that he is, he caved in to come with me to watch it. I feel like we have been spending a lot of time at home the past couple of months. Mainly as my energy has been so low, particularly at night. It is a completely different pregnancy. I have more nausea this time around. I am so very grateful that I have the freedom of running my own business right now. If I didn’t have that I don’t know how I would drag myself into an office each day. I am still not fully sure where I am heading but it feels exciting to know that next February our special little one will arrive. I don’t have much fear around losing bub. I am getting messages from bub telling me they will be here healthy and well. I know bub is safe and sound. I am looking forward though to a pregnancy after loss group that starts in a few weeks. This is run by my social worker and will give us even more support as we journey through the next year. I have a few beautiful friends that are joining us and having their love and support means the world. After you lose a child you think of all the things you might of done to cause it. I know it’s not a healthy rabbit hole to go down but it happens from time to time. You wonder if the exercise you did could have hurt the baby, the food you ate, the way you slept (even though I religiously slept on my left side which is recommended), was work too stressful, did I do too much? There are so many questions you ask. All I know is that I am trusting my intuition more than anything this time around. If it doesn’t feel right I wont do it. If I am craving it I will eat it. If I feel like rest I will give my body rest.

I cried during the scenes tonight with the baby, I miss you so much and I wish you were here. 

We went for an extra check up today with my OB. We also found out the sex of our little one!!!! I am not sharing it quite yet, but will share the news soon. It was so good to see bub on the screen again. They have proper arms and legs now and were wriggling away. I felt a sense of peace seeing bub on the screen. It is funny when you know they are growing away each day but can’t see them. I won’t have another scan now until thirteen weeks. I trust that our baby is thriving. I am feeling more energy and can get through the day without a nap. I am nourishing my body better this week as I have a new cold press juicer. I have been juicing celery in the morning and while it doesn’t taste that great I know I am getting my extra greens in. My family laughed at me on the weekend when I told them about how good celery juice is. I told them how Miranda Kerr has it every morning and then the laughter just erupted. This wasn’t actually what got me on to it though. It was through reading Medical Medium Anthony Williams book ‘Life Changing Foods’ and listening to several of his podcasts. Since having the shingles earlier in the year I wanted to find what could have caused the flare up. Part of it could have been the emotional stress and grief I was still dealing with. I also believe I wasn’t eating the right foods. I was scared of eating too much fruit as it is high in sugar but according to Anthony the scare tactics around fruit are just ridiculous. Certain fruits and vegetables can reduce inflammation and boost our immune systems. I am now eating more berries, oranges, apples and drinking celery juice.

Hamish I love you so much 

I am feeling a little sore in the neck today but other than that all good. I am lucky to be given a hire car while they assess what is happening to our car. It makes life easier right now as I have so many things that I want to do. I have a massage booked in today with my lovely therapist Tureko. I have been seeing her for the last few years and I can’t wait to tell her my news today! Life has been so different this past year. I used to go and get massages because I was so stressed from my corporate job. Now I still go for my self care but I am in such a different place. I feel so much more relaxed this time around. I thought I would be more stressed but I know that anything can happen. I can’t be in control of everything. I am doing my part by eating well, exercising and resting when I need too. I know this pregnancy will be completely different. I don’t want to live each day in fear. When it does come up I acknowledge it but I then tune into my intuition. My intuition tells me that we will be bringing this baby home. We will be a family of four with one little angel in the sky.

I love you Hamish

Crash, bang, ahhhhhhhhh. That was me at four pm this afternoon. A ute decided to pull out of a side street and crash into my passenger side. The car spun around and I was pushed up the road. It happened five hundred metres from my home and a short walk to my OB’s offices. I called Greg as soon as I could stop shaking. I was more worried for our baby than anything else. The seatbelt cut in a little but it wasn’t too bad. Within half an hour of the accident my OB saw us and did a little scan to check on bub. All is fine and as I am still in my first trimester the baby is deep in the pelvis protected. Our car is looking worse for wear but I am so glad no one was hurt. It also happened in slow motion, I could see it coming but there was nothing I could do to get out of the ute’s way. It made me realise again, how precious life is and that things can change in an instant. I have been driving so carefully since being caught speeding a couple of months ago. I learnt my lesson. Now I am a bit shaken up and just hoping no more scary things happen. I just want to get through the next six months smoothly and meet our next little bub.

I love you Hamish, I know you were protecting us today

My sleeping Angel just after he was born. 

I woke up feeling tired after a big weekend. I know my body and baby needs rest today. I am taking things very slowly. I haven’t been eating the best diet these past few weeks so I am determined to turn it around this week. I have ordered a cold press juicer and I am going to start having my morning green juices again. I feel nauseous in the mornings so I need to have something when I wake up. My heart feels heavy today. I miss Hamish so much. I look back through photos on my phone of his beautiful face. He was so perfect. I found a new favourite photo of him that I love. He looks so peaceful, like he is sleeping. I have stopped going over and over what it would be like to have him here. I am in full acceptance now that he is gone. It doesn’t make it any easier though. My heart aches for him every day. I saw an article today about a mother whale that had a stillborn and carried it around in the ocean for days. The whales spend time saying goodbye before they lay their little ones to rest. This just reminded me of how important it was for Greg and I to say our proper goodbyes. To hold him for a few days. To have him near before we laid him to rest.

I love you so much Hamish 

 

 

My heart feels hopeful today. I wake up with more energy then I have had in a while. I am craving being near the ocean so we decide to do a beautiful walk from Watson’s Bay to almost Bondi. It was a big walk for me as I haven’t done too much other than my personal training sessions these past few weeks. We walked along the cliffs looking out to the ocean. I was looking for whales. I always do now that I know Hamish might be out there in some way. I know he loved the ocean so much. It makes me feel closer to him when I am near or in it! I feel like my heart is feeling so full of love and gratitude. I am sometimes nervous thinking about the next six months of pregnancy. I know I am in good hands. I know we have a special angel watching over us. Today I am trusting that everything will fall into place. The day I found out I was pregnant this time around I already felt a sense of peace wash over me. I felt like everything was going to be ok. I actually wanted to start decorating the nursery again. I want to have everything ready to go for this bub. We already have pretty much everything we need. Since we gave away out bassinet that is the only thing we don’t have.

Thank you Hamish for all the love you give me each day

Today we went for a beautiful coastal walk around Ettalong near where my sister and her husband lives. It was so nice to catch up with them and hang out with my little nieces. Larissa is two and a half and growing up so fast. Every time I see her she has changed so much. She is saying more words and really showing off her cheeky personality. It is nice to spend the day in the sun. I feel so alive when I am outside. By the afternoon I am tired and I nap on the way home in the car. I literally have loved napping the past two months. It was annoying at first as I felt like I couldn’t get much done each day. Then I surrendered. I realised that it has only been eight months between pregnancies and my body has a lot of work to do growing this baby. I have been doing my best to be soft on myself and not try and push. I haven’t done yoga for a few weeks and I have been struggling to meditate. I have some beautiful guided pregnancy meditations from the ‘Female Fertility Meditation App’. They have been good to listen to, that is if I don’t fall asleep first.

I love you my baby’s. I know Hamish picked you from above and you will always have a close bond. 

As we head into the lunar eclipse I am feeling all of the feels. While tiredness from pregnancy has been tough I have also felt a little down these past few weeks. I haven’t been able to do much. I haven’t felt like myself. I hope that after this full moon my energy starts to come back. I have been letting go of dogma this week. Letting go of all the ‘shoulds’. Letting go of every belief and thing that doesn’t serve me. I feel like I am starting a fresh with a clean slate. This baby has given me new perspective. My soul is calling me to dive deeper. To journey into trusting my intuition even more. To listen to the soul nudges each day. To close off to the noisy sounds and expectations around me. I have a mission right now and that is to peacefully grow this baby and deliver them with grace. I am not fearful of the labour or pregnancy. I trust that all is well. I trust that my baby and my body will tell me what I need when I need it. Tonight I spent some time pulling cards with my soul sister and talking about our lives. We drank chamomile tea on my roof top as the sun was going down and the full moon was illuminating the night sky. I am so grateful for this very moment. I am grateful for my little family that is expanding. I am grateful for my amazing husband that is always by my side.

I love you Hamish. I look at the moon and think of you tonight.