Tonight we went to see the sequel of Mamma Mia. It wasn’t on the top of Greg’s must watch list but being the lovely husband that he is, he caved in to come with me to watch it. I feel like we have been spending a lot of time at home the past couple of months. Mainly as my energy has been so low, particularly at night. It is a completely different pregnancy. I have more nausea this time around. I am so very grateful that I have the freedom of running my own business right now. If I didn’t have that I don’t know how I would drag myself into an office each day. I am still not fully sure where I am heading but it feels exciting to know that next February our special little one will arrive. I don’t have much fear around losing bub. I am getting messages from bub telling me they will be here healthy and well. I know bub is safe and sound. I am looking forward though to a pregnancy after loss group that starts in a few weeks. This is run by my social worker and will give us even more support as we journey through the next year. I have a few beautiful friends that are joining us and having their love and support means the world. After you lose a child you think of all the things you might of done to cause it. I know it’s not a healthy rabbit hole to go down but it happens from time to time. You wonder if the exercise you did could have hurt the baby, the food you ate, the way you slept (even though I religiously slept on my left side which is recommended), was work too stressful, did I do too much? There are so many questions you ask. All I know is that I am trusting my intuition more than anything this time around. If it doesn’t feel right I wont do it. If I am craving it I will eat it. If I feel like rest I will give my body rest.
I cried during the scenes tonight with the baby, I miss you so much and I wish you were here.