I Am Still Born

Each day that goes by I wake up feeling differently. Today I was exhausted after a late night and not the most restful sleep. I have a barbecue picnic with the Angel parents from our support group today. I am really looking forward to seeing them all. Sharing stories and just hanging out. Greg on the other hand isn’t much in the mood for socialising. I think the weekends hit him the hardest when he isn’t at work and has more time to think of all the what if’s. I try my best to support him and not push him to do too much socially if he doesn’t feel like it.

We have a lovely picnic by the local dam. A few tears were shed in-between all the laughs. I felt so comfortable in all of their company. We are all at different stages in our journey but we are all just trying to do the best we can to put one foot in front of the other. Some days that might mean a few steps back or a few forward. We are all trying to be kind to ourselves and make the best of the cards we have been dealt.

It’s not fair. It’s hard to reconcile and accept. We miss our children dearly. We all want to honour them in everything we do. We want our current and future children to know their angel brothers and sisters. We want our family and friends to acknowledge and speak our child’s name often. We want our little angels to be remembered as their life did matter. However long or short it was it mattered. Our children are our guardian angels now who are lighting the path for us. I feel like they would be proud of us all for where we are at, for uniting together and supporting each other through this.

Hamish please know I am trying to do my best each day. I have been crying a lot. Please know that each tear is just a small rain drop of the love I have for you. The love I have for you is so deep it could fill an entire ocean.

P.S. This song has been on repeat the last week x

“Waves”

Today I did an interview with the lovely Christy from the ‘Pregnancy Loss Journey Podcast’. I came across this podcast and it’s really helped me hear from other women going through the same thing. It was comforting to know I am not alone on this journey. Christy lost her precious daughter Chloe and has been running this blog and podcast since and I have put the link below.

I felt Hamish’s presence as I talked about his story. It was almost surreal relaying what happened. It was healing though knowing my story may help another angel Mums out there. I feel like Hamish’s impact on the world will be big. I feel like his trip to earth had purpose and I’ll do my best to honour that each day.

Love you my boy. Thanks for coming to say hi today with the little white butterfly. Feeling your presence makes me feel safe and peaceful.

http://www.pregnancylossjourney.com/episodes

Do you believe thing happen in our life by chance? Do you believe our intentions set up our reality? Do you believe that we are guided by forces bigger than ourselves and what we know in our concious mind? For me I believe a little in all of the above. I believe we can create our reality. I don’t believe though that we have ultimate control over what it looks like. If I had control over my life I would have Hamish in my arms.

Today I only spoke to one other person than Greg. That person by chance happened to be someone who had lost 3 little ones to stillbirth. I cried and so did she. When you look into another mother’s eyes and see their pain it is like an unspoken acknowledgment of I see you, I hear you and I know how your feeling. I couldn’t believe it but I knew Hamish had lead me there to have this conversation with someone who only a few moments earlier was a stranger. I don’t believe in coincidences like this I believe something higher than myself lead me there to this conversation.

Hamish please keep guiding me on this journey. I spent my morning walk thinking of how I can serve other women going through this. Just like that within a few minutes I was having this conversation. I trust I am always heading in the right direction.

I had a massage today. It was amazing and I felt like I was transported to another place. I started to think about the last time I had a massage when Hamish was still here alive. It was only 2 days before he was born. It got me wondering if he had left me that day. I will never know when his soul left his body exactly but I do remember lying at home meditating after I got home from the massage.

I was thinking of a bright white light washing over me and going directly into my stomach. I trusted this light was a healing one that was preparing me for labour. I was getting Braxton Hicks on and off so I knew I would be birthing Hamish soon. I will never know if that is when Hamish left me but I have a feeling it could have been then. It’s weird as I felt so peaceful and trusting that everything was going to be ok. I trusted my body and I felt like Hamish was safe. I wish I could turn back time. I wish things were different. I can’t though and all I can do is trust that Hamish is exactly where he is supposed to be. He is being looked after by his Grandma in heaven, in the spirit world. He will be waiting for us for one day when our souls leave this earth.

Hamish I love you. Please know that your Mum and Dad are ok. We are trying our best to live a happy life.

I have always felt like I needed to carefully curate my writing. I felt like I could never fully express myself without the fear of offending someone, not being liked or thinking what I had to say wasn’t important. What I have realised though is I don’t need permission to write freely. It took Hamish to come along for me to learn that lesson. I feel free now. Free from the fear of the worst happening. What is there to fear when your deepest fear was realised. What is there to fear when we only live once. What is there to fear about sharing my gifts with others.

Tonight I went to see the lovely Adam Roa perform his poetry about choosing love. Adam talked about how our thoughts become our reality. Our beliefs become our emotions which become our thoughts which become our circumstances which become our actions which become our reality. This is one big circle that repeats itself. I’m going to leave a video here for you to get a taste of what Adam is all about. I walked away from that show feeling more inspired to serve. More inspired to keep writing, growing, learning, loving and sharing. I also know deeply in my soul to CHOOSE LOVE always.

Thank you Hamish for helping your mamma create a beautiful reality. You really have surrounded me with everything I need. You have allowed my mind to be open and free. You have allowed me to listen in to my intuition more than I ever have before. 

‘Happy Birthday Mummy’ my card read as I opened it in bed. I stared at the handmade card Greg had made. The words made the tears start welling up in my eyes. In so many ways I don’t feel like a Mum. I feel like my first shot at motherhood was dragged from beneath me just as I was getting ready for it. I woke up feeling just like I did every other year. I know I am a mother. I still find it hard to reconcile in my mind this journey I am on. I still find it hard to be ok with it all.

My mum took Greg and I out for a nourishing healthy lunch at one of my favourite cafes. We talk about family. About growing up. About how much I also miss my grandparents who have passed. About how my Grandpa taught me to garden, dream, play, always be curious. How my grandmother taught me how to sew, cook, play scrabble, nurture and care. They are having a good old time teaching Hamish these things I know for sure. He would be hanging with his Great Grandparents and learning so much.

Days like this remind me of how time is just an illusion. We go through life in a series of moments. Each of these moments add up to something to treasure. Everyday, not just birthdays are filled with memories to be cherished. It made me even more grateful for the future we have ahead of us. For our future children. For our own grandchildren. For what is now. For what is tomorrow and beyond.

Thank you Hamish for showing your Mum how much she is loved on her birthday. I asked you for a sign and I got a few today. First it was a white butterfly that fluttered around me so gently. Then I opened the balcony doors at home and asked you for another sign. An hour went by and nothing happened. Then I hear a young boys voice yell “Hamish, Hamish, Hamish” it is the kids playing in the backyard next door and one of them is named Hamish. For the next hour I hear little Oscar call out to his friend Hamish each time he wanted to show him something. Hearing your name gives me so much peace. I know you are with me. I know you are here.

It’s my birthday tomorrow. It is not how I thought turning 34 would be for me. I am however trying my best to embrace this new path. I’m feeling tired after a big day at the wedding. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this on the blog but since I’ve been open about how the grief has affected Greg and I am going to keep being open and transparent. Last night Greg told me he has thought a few times about what it would be like to join Hamish. They may just be fleeting thoughts but as he said it I just went into meltdown mode. I was hysterical. I couldn’t believe he was feeling this way. Even if it was just a fleeting thought. Why?! I just don’t understand I wailed. I know it’s been hard the last few weeks but I don’t think it’s anything we can’t get through.

Then just for a moment I thought about what it would be like if we were both with Hamish. I know this might sound horrible but it actually gave me peace thinking of that moment. It actually made me think in about 60 years I will be meeting my son again. These are thoughts of bereaved parents. Thoughts 8 weeks ago I would have never thought either of us would have. I also know we are both so supported and loved. I want to also make sure Greg continues to have all the support he needs through these times. We are both going to be having counseling. We are both committed to getting through these hard times. While the sadness sometimes overrides the joy. I know the dark thoughts will leave eventually. They will go on their merry way and be replaced with happy ones.

Hamish one day we will meet again my sweet boy.

Today I have a lovely friends wedding on the beautiful coast of Sydney. I have been looking forward to it. There is however one special person missing that should have been there. I know he is with me and continues to watch over us each day.

My friends had the most heartfelt ceremony filled with so much love. They even included their two beautiful children in their vows and made promises to them as well as to each other. It was the sweetest moment. The tears rolled down my cheeks for the joy I felt and the love I could see between them.

Love is precious. Love is kind. Love is something you can’t always touch. Love is something we go through life looking for. Love is not always easy. Love is earth, water, fire and air. Love is a candle burning. Love is a peaceful ocean swim. Love is the sand between my toes. Love is the salty coastal air. Love is a blessing. Love of ones self can be a challenge. Love is the most treasured feeling. Love is not judgmental. Love is infinite. Love is overflowing. Love is needed. Love is all around us. Love is you. Love is me.

You are love Hamish. Love is the bond that keeps our relationship alive as your angel wings grow each day.

By writing each day I feel closer to Hamish. I feel like his light is shining through my words. Today I have my lovely friends wedding on the beautiful coast of Sydney. It is the 11th of the 11th. I feel the peace in this day. I have been looking forward to it.

My friends had the most heartfelt ceremony with so much love. They even included their two beautiful children in their vows and made promises to them as well as to each other. It was the sweetest moment. The tears rolled down my cheeks for the joy I felt and the love I could see between them.

Love is precious. Love is kind. Love is something you can’t always touch. Love is something we go through life looking for. Love is not always easy. Love is earth, water, fire and air. Love is a candle burning. Love is a peaceful ocean swim. Love is the sand between my toes. Love is the salty coastal air. Love is a blessing. Love of ones self can be a challenge. Love is the most treasured feeling. Love is not judgmental. Love is infinite. Love is overflowing. Love is needed. Love is all around us. Love is you. Love is me.

You are love Hamish. Love is the bond that keeps our relationship alive as your angel wings grow each day.